Should I rake up the past or leave it where it is? ***Trigger warning added by MNHQ: contains content about CSA***

Lookingback29 · 2025-09-27T21:58:11+00:00

When I was 15 (20 years ago) I was doing work experience in a local hospital. One of the care assistants had asked me to do the blood pressures on all the patients so I did but I did the scoring system incorrectly (obviously I should never have been doing this as basically a child with no training!!) the ward manager was extremely cross with me and I was very upset One of the drs (he was about 30 at the time) saw me and gave me a hug and said I could work with him instead. Basically from then on he flattered me, messaged constantly, and kept asking to meet up. One day he insisted on meeting me in a wood. He told me we should have sex (I was a virgin) I didn’t want to but he proceeded to anyway and all I can really remember is it hurting, seeing a deer (!!!) being cold and then worrying I was pregnant. After that he harassed me with 100s of text messages a day. When I started college I showed my tutor the messages and he said to go to the police but I was too scared and by this point he had moved away. I changed my number and of course everything then stopped. I often wonder about what he’s doing now. He’s a successful doctor and I’m really furious with him for what he did to me. Would you try and contact him? I will most likely just not do anything but I never ever told anyone about it and it’s felt nice to write it down!

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 14:38

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/09/2025 09:11

How do you think this contact will impact OP
Ridiculous idea to try scare the rapist who has a highly respected job, if anything it would discredit OP.

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huh….what has the fact that he has a ‘highly respected position’ got to do with anything!🤷‍♀️…..a rapist is a rapist !

And anyway what the hell are you talking about, why would the OP writing a letter to him asking him did e remember her and then running through the events on that particular night be considered her trying to scare him ( do you not think that particular night didn’t scare her) and anyway what do you think he would do with said letter ……report her !…..have some sense woman 🤷‍♀️

Emilygilmoreshandbag · 29/09/2025 14:37

I wouldn’t try to contact him, no. There is nothing to be gained from that. If you do feel able, it would be worth talking to the police, as they may have other reports about this man that your experience backs up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2025 14:32

Lookingback29 · 29/09/2025 13:05

Thanks everyone for your advice, I’m not sure I can report it. I feel really embarrassed about it and I would hate my parents to find out (even in my 30s!!) but I do hope he’s never done it again although I’m sure he probably has, I will sit on it and do some thinking

Whatever you do, and it is your choice, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed. As the wonderful and brave Gisele Pelicot said recently, “shame must change sides”. You did nothing wrong and he did everything wrong.

Original poster

Lookingback29 · 29/09/2025 13:05

Thanks everyone for your advice, I’m not sure I can report it. I feel really embarrassed about it and I would hate my parents to find out (even in my 30s!!) but I do hope he’s never done it again although I’m sure he probably has, I will sit on it and do some thinking

OP posts:

HeartbrokenCatMum · 29/09/2025 11:27

Maddy70 · 28/09/2025 22:59

Yes that's exactly what I suggest. From my own experience, it's unhealthy to rake it up, it brings it all back and for what ? To be dragged through court, newspapers etc.

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It’s not a growing up experience..

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/09/2025 09:11

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 01:31

I disagree

At best he would be shaken up and traumatised by his past offences being brought up when he thought he had got away with them, also he would be living in fear of the OP reporting him

Obviously she wouldn’t have to see him or speak to him ( communicate it in writing to him) but she could get some satisfaction knowing that she had now put him in a position where something was playing on his mind, believe me he wouldn’t get any satisfaction from this as he knows if she reported and he was convicted he would at the very least loose his licence and his career ( possibly his marriage if married) and at best also get a jail term

Do you really think he would enjoy that, find it satisfying….because I think it would scare the shit out of him !

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How do you think this contact will impact OP
Ridiculous idea to try scare the rapist who has a highly respected job, if anything it would discredit OP.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/09/2025 09:10

Terrible advice to just accept it. He may have done this many times throughout his dominant career.
The police could have information on him.

Worried8263839 · 29/09/2025 08:07

WiggyPig · 27/09/2025 23:51

When you say 20 years ago is that exactly 20 years ago i.e. 2005? If it was after 2003, then he was committing a serious sexual offence (abuse of a position of trust) having offered for you to work with him instead, and that's before you get on to the harassment with the hundreds of messages. Even if in his head it was "consensual" (or he claims to believe it was) that's not a defence, he knew you were 15 and he had offered to take over supervision of your work experience.

If it was pre-2003 then he was an absolute pig but there's probably little to be gained from reporting him.

Surely rape is a serious sexual offence no?

BigOldBlobsy · 29/09/2025 07:45

Maddy70 · 27/09/2025 23:38

For your own mental health put it down to a growing up experience and put it behind you (if you can ) he wax on a position of trust and used that to his advantage. Yes you could go to the police but in my experience, let it go. It really isn't worth the emotional turmoil.

Whaaaaaat?
Actual grooming and rape - even if OP wanted to put it behind her (and I’m sure she’s got on with her life since then, like most survivors of SA and CSA have to) she is entitled and encouraged to consider other outcomes, such as going to the Police!
This man is a predator, continuing on with his life, while OP has held this in her body and mind throughout the rest of her childhood and into adulthood.

SafeSex · 29/09/2025 04:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2025 23:44

Only you know if reporting will make you feel better or worse. Without evidence solely your testimony may not do anything. But there might be many more and we know from all the predators that you need 20 women to say something. Maybe there are already 19 and it would make a difference.

Where did you get that spurious statistic from?

WaryHiker · 29/09/2025 04:10

I'm being purposely vague here, but I reported something on someone's behalf twenty years later and social services took it very seriously. They agreed there was not enough evidence police to prosecute, but it went on the man's file in case anyone else made a similar report. That was exactly the reason I I reported it in the first place. Some of this involved children, and I thought that when they became adults they might come forward. The only thing we could do to support that was to make sure the file was already in place so they wouldn't face the pain of not being believed.

If you possibly can, report it to the police. Take someone with you to support you. Do NOT contact this guy directly.

Itstruetrueitis · 29/09/2025 01:40

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Surely that's a thought you should keep to yourself and not actually post? Vile

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 01:31

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2025 01:10

This is dreadful advice. At worst, he’d enjoy it. And OP would be retraumatised.

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I disagree

At best he would be shaken up and traumatised by his past offences being brought up when he thought he had got away with them, also he would be living in fear of the OP reporting him

Obviously she wouldn’t have to see him or speak to him ( communicate it in writing to him) but she could get some satisfaction knowing that she had now put him in a position where something was playing on his mind, believe me he wouldn’t get any satisfaction from this as he knows if she reported and he was convicted he would at the very least loose his licence and his career ( possibly his marriage if married) and at best also get a jail term

Do you really think he would enjoy that, find it satisfying….because I think it would scare the shit out of him !

PinkJ · 29/09/2025 01:25

This reply has been deleted

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EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/09/2025 01:16

Absolute bastard. I'm so sorry.
I'd love to say drag him though the justice system, sadly it is the victim who gets dragged through the justice system. There is people who will support you through the process whatever you decide, contact the rape crisis centre for advice and support. Good luck 💐

TooTooMuchEverything · 29/09/2025 01:14

Absentosaur · 28/09/2025 15:28

You can report it. You may find that the police already have his name on record. I would.

Edited

I think I’d probably do this too.

You asked if you should contact him? No. I’d advise definitely not.

But Yes to reporting him to police.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2025 01:10

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 01:01

I agree, I wouldn’t report after all this time either, you would be getting involved in a long drawn out legal case where you could even be accused of lying, I think it would be extremely mentally draining and he might not even be convicted.

What I might do is contact him and ask him if he remembered you, then tell him what happened to jog his memory….I would want to torment him a bit and let him live in fear of YOU reporting him

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This is dreadful advice. At worst, he’d enjoy it. And OP would be retraumatised.

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 01:01

Maddy70 · 27/09/2025 23:38

For your own mental health put it down to a growing up experience and put it behind you (if you can ) he wax on a position of trust and used that to his advantage. Yes you could go to the police but in my experience, let it go. It really isn't worth the emotional turmoil.

I agree, I wouldn’t report after all this time either, you would be getting involved in a long drawn out legal case where you could even be accused of lying, I think it would be extremely mentally draining and he might not even be convicted.

What I might do is contact him and ask him if he remembered you, then tell him what happened to jog his memory….I would want to torment him a bit and let him live in fear of YOU reporting him

KaterinaTulip · 29/09/2025 00:28

Please report it. He was twice your age and other victims may have come forward. He groomed and raped you. Talk to Rape Crisis.

Itstruetrueitis · 29/09/2025 00:20

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Some men are vile. I really worry for my DD when she is older

If you feel like you can, I would definetly report it. How dare he of done that to you

BleuBella · 29/09/2025 00:18

Maybe contact him to take back your power and let him know you can walk into a police station anytime and report him for what he did and you will be believed . That’s what I said to someone who I bumped into 30 years after he sexually assaulted me . I wish I could have captured the look on his face when he realised the enormity of what I had said just before I walked away . I probably won’t ever report him to the police as he would deny it totally and it’s his word against mine so nothing would come of it but it felt so good to say it to him . Hopefully I’ve caused him some sleepless nights .

LoveToRun866 · 29/09/2025 00:00

'Would you try and contact him?'
No, absolutely not @Lookingback29
Why would you contact him?

I'm so sorry you went through this and have carried it with you for so long.
As a rape victim/survivor, you absolutely need to report this to the police.

A previous poster appears to have misunderstood the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
'Historical' cases of sexual offending are absolutely acted on and the CPS will seek to prosecute him.
Please don't dwell on this any longer, and please think of other potential victims, past, present, and future.
You know what you went through, and you need some closure and you need justice.

Kate148 · 28/09/2025 23:26

Do not contact him.

Do report him.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 23:20

Maddy70 · 28/09/2025 22:59

Yes that's exactly what I suggest. From my own experience, it's unhealthy to rake it up, it brings it all back and for what ? To be dragged through court, newspapers etc.

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Well I’m really sorry if you’ve been through similar, but you said yourself twice this was your experience that it was unhealthy.

I cannot ever advise a childhood rape victim to ‘put it behind you’. It smacks of ‘here, I’ve got the brush and dustpan, you lift the rug’.

Maddy70 · 28/09/2025 22:59

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 28/09/2025 15:27

put it down to a growing up experience

Excuse me? Older man rapes child and harasses her until she changes her number and this is your take?

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Yes that's exactly what I suggest. From my own experience, it's unhealthy to rake it up, it brings it all back and for what ? To be dragged through court, newspapers etc.