To think my DH is a tosser

I wouldn’t make a child play a sports game or do a hobby when feeling unwell. I’d make sure they get plenty of rest so as to be well for school on Monday - school always comes first!

If he pushes through and plays whilst not well, it could result in him being more ill on Monday.

Also, he shouldn’t be doing a hobby at all just because his Dad wants him to. Hobbies should be a choice.

Edit - I meant to say, take his phone if necessary to make sure he actually rests.

I agree with this. My ds had to play with no subs so many times because someone sneezed or had a sniffle, something else to do.
Sometimes they had to forfeit a game because they simply didn't have enough players.
If ops son normally turns up and genuinely doesn't feel well then he wouldn't fall into that camp.

As a coach of my son's football team can I let you know how hard and a thankless job this is. I am looking at this from a different angle.

I have to deal with this sort of thing on a weekly basis. Sometimes you get a call on the way to a game. There has been a number of games where we've had to play with one less player or have asked to borrow the other teams players and forfeit the result just so it's not a waste of time for everyone else(including the other team).

Obviously there are legitimate reasons but, more often than not it's because they just didn't feel like playing that day. In my day the thought of not playing didn't cross our minds unless our leg was severely hanging off. But then we didn't have the same level of tech as a distraction. I remember being in tears one game that I had to miss because I'd broken my arm and it was in a plaster cast. They threw me on for the last few mins(h&s not the same back then) and I scored. That's now one of my fond childhood memories.

If the lad doesn't want to play full stop then he needs to stop. There will be other boys that will want to be playing but will be sat on the subs bench. If he does want to continue then I think you should be encouraging him and explaining what commitment to a team is all about. Teamwork is a great life skill and will set him up well for further education and his career.

Your husband doesn't come across well from your post / perspective.
If ds is really ill then of course he shouldn't play.
If he's got a bit of a sniffle then he should try.
There's something horrible going round atm. I have it and I feel rough. So ds might not be skiving. It's a strange assumption on dh part tbh...I wouldn't assume this about my dc...is DH usually cynical and unsympathetic...?

My thoughts exactly.

Tbh, if he just has a sniffle I'd be encouraging him to play on as he is part of a team that needs him. We were dosing our daughter with decongestants on the way to a comp the other weekend in the vague hope she'd be able to breathe while racing... sometimes they just have to grunt up for a bit.

Are DH 's fears well founded? Does he really want to sit around a lot?

The telling off in the car afterwards makes him sound like a bit of a 'competitive dad' arse.

I have a cold at the moment, one week in, still feel like crap. Have no temperature but full of cold.
I've not been to the gym this week because I feel so rough.
Your poor ds. Nobody but him knows if he feels well enough to play. Listen to him, give him a choice.
I hate that society dictates that we have to be on our death bed to be classed as unwell.

When my children have been unwell, I've taken the stance that school is more important. I'm guessing he was at school last week and will be in this week. I'd rather that my children rest over the weekend and are well enough for school, over than running round in the cold which may mean they will be off school.

You need to have a big conversation about what he's enjoying/how he wants to spend his time, but this evening/later in the week, not with the pressure of this match looming. He needs to be allowed to quit if he wants, but I think he is still young enough to insist the time needs to be filled with a different hobby (of his choice). It also sounds like you need to put in place better limits on screen time, so that staying home doesn't get him extra and flaking out is beneficial to him.

For today, I'd give him a choice of either play or stay home, but if he stays home because he's unwell, he will need to rest up in bed without the distraction of technology. It isn't OK to let down team mates at such short notice without a good reason, so he's either well enough to muddle through or poorly enough to need proper rest.

So hold on DS doesn’t actually want to do it and is happy to quit - so why not say ok to your DH but you aren’t facilitating it either so he just won’t go anymore

i think he is feeling under pressure and performance under scrutiny every week. He used to get told off in the car if he played badly.

Christ on a bike! Poor DS. Getting told off for poor behaviour or poor effort - absolutely. But for poor performance at a weekend sport?!

Presumably you told DH to pack that in immediately?

Your husband has a point in that DS should not be allowed dot vegetate in bed all weekend on a screen. But he is being bullish in his attitude towards the football. Sport should be fun. Telling him off, putting pressure on him etc is only going to dissuade him from playing more.

Your husband sounds like a total over involved bell end. Near me they had to ban parents from the sidelines. Maybe DH should stop participating and give DS a choice. At 14 he's old enough to pick his hobbies,

Well this is the problem. Your husband is a bully. If he quits football, it's your husband's fault.

You all need to have a discussion with your son to determine if he is really ill or just doesn't want to play.

I agree with you husband to a certain extent, with team sports you have to commit, and kids often look for excuses not to play, so depends if he is really unwell enough not to play, if he's not enjoying it I think you need to give him the option to give up, no point putting so much time and effort into something if they don't enjoy.

Our children have often pulled the same thing where you know they are fine, and once there are fine and enjoy.

Yep, seems standard here that 98% of women who post here think their husbands are a “tosser” or worse equivalent. Instead of asking themselves why they married such “tossers”, they stay posting questions on Mumsnet.

Tel him “fine, if he doesn’t go tomorrow cos he feels like crap, I’ll take him from now on”. I’m sure his dad would hate you doing that..

You're not being wet. I've got a cold,no fever . I feel awful. The last thing I'd want to do is run around in a cold field ... Kids need to listen to their bodies just as we tell adults to do.

Men like her DH are a pain in the ass taking on the role of coach. I used to cringe on the sidelines when they started their amateur bullshit

Can you take him tomorrow? Sit in the clubhouse or car, read a book. You won't have a scooby how well he's played so no pressure.

I'd be bollicking my husband critical or not he's not the coach

Sorry but your DH is right. Why should your DH give up his weekends travelling and standing around in the cold at a football/ rugby pitch when your son clearly can't be bothered? I bet it's not free either, travel costs and subs add up.

I've had three boys. At this age with so much growth going on, not enough sleep, their immune system used to go kaput sometimes. A cold was enough to floor them. I kept metatone in the cupboard or vitamins. They weren't the most sensible of eaters.

I'd take the phone away so they'd get a good night's sleep.

It's so hard to weigh up. Just see how he is in the morning

I can see where your DH is coming from. If my DC had committed to a team I'd be encouraging them not to let the team down for a sniffle. As your DH has said DS is trying to drop all his hobbies to play on his phone I'd guess this isn't the first time its happened and your DS is spending a lot of time on his phone.

I'm not voting. But your husband might be right. He doesn't sound that ill. But he does sound like he is teeing it up to be unwell tomorrow and miss the game. And that would be letting the team down. If he doesn't want to do it anymore then that's a different conversation.

What does “feeling under the weather” mean?

Unless they had a really obvious cold or illness, both my boys went to their weekend matches. It’s not fair on the rest of the team to not turn up. Better to make an effort and simply tell the manager that they’re not at their best and would prefer to be subbed off if possible. Teaches them the importance of following through on a commitment.