To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

So your ex doesn't work ,and would only see the kids at your house ..which you stopped a couple of years ago ..and he hasn't been in touch since ...the kids must miss him ,and wonder where he is ..hes been in their lives 8 years then gone .
So the situation of him only having them in your home ,was probably all he could cope with.. likely autistic as it's hereditary.
But you could of worked with that ,and extended the time so you were able to leave the kids and dad at your house to get out for a coffee and to do the shopping.
In your shoes ,I would be contacting dad again ..I'd be restarting contact at your house ..I'd be building up slowly to leaving dad and and kids alone for longer times ...and that then becomes your bit of freedom..and the time you can nip out on dates ..you can join dating agencies and have fun chatting with men of an evening with a glass of wine ,and plan your dates out ,when your ex is in your home with the kids ..
It's not ideal ,him being so inflexible..but you need to use him to your advantage..and unless he is violent or abusive,it's better for the DC to have him in their lives .. especially as you have very little family

From the minute I had a child with my DH I realised it would be unbelievably hard to do it on my own. YANBU.

Sounds as though you have a good support network. In that case if is easier and more enjoyable than having to put up with a useless bloke.

I was fortunate that I had helpful grandparents on both sides, a full time job which I enjoyed and am independent by nature. It's still frustrating when you are stuck indoors with kids and others manage to get out but I made sure I built up network of ( paid ) babysitters as well.

Also had a boyfriend although not a living together relationship

It's really hard. My little one is 3 and I have her most of the time and deal with all of the life admin, appointments, payment for her nursery and pick ups if she's ill. But I'm so much happier now that it's just the two of us.

Are you getting all of the funding that you're entitled to?

So they are 9?

Is it your first time using the Internet?

The OP (original poster) said a few comments below her first post that her husband left her whilst she was pregnant.

You only have to quick scan the first page to see the extra information.

Whilst I can understand some responders might not always have read every page of a thread, the OP did provide the extra information quite close to the top of the thread, within the first few comments.

Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their youngest child and he doesn't see the kids any more or pay any money for them. OP didn't choose to be a single parent.

Yes but when a person gets to a point when they shoot down any suggestions of what would improve their circumstances, and come up with only negative answers, it becomes more of a pathological depression. She sounds like she is incapable of thinking of anything that would improve her life. That is depression.

"FFS quit the self pity."

People that lash out and judge others in this way are typically deeply unhappy.

Totally agree with this. I found the only way to start coping was to start seeing myself in a different way and to make the mundane seem like an opportunity. It sounds glib but even planning a trip to town, making sure I had lippy on and hair done made me feel better. I dragged my two to every free event I could and treated it like my social life!

I had no nights off or holidays until I built a network of other single Mums and even then they were rare but I had to put in the effort to seek out people to help me ( no family here to help). My ex also never saw them really and no financial support- I worked full time.
I spent an over a decade celibate and was tied to the kids all the time (also left in pregnancy, with my second) and I wish I’d felt able to help myself earlier. I know now how traumatised and low I was then and I wish I’d asked for help sooner.

I also second the PP who said make your room your haven; that made a difference to me too.
It is so, so hard and relentless but things can be better. As they get more independent, life will change but changing your own mindset and habits now will help, if you even have the headspace to cope with that.

FFS quit the self pity.

Lots of people (including parents) aren't in a relationship.

Lots of people (including parents) in a relationship aren't happy, and aren't getting spa days on their birthday.

Lots of parents in crap situations are able to find moments of happiness and connection.

One of my closest friends is married with a supportive spouse, and a teenage child with significant learning and physical disabilities, hardly sleeps, and their life revolves around his needs. He will never live independently, they have to tag team around him. He is very much loved.

My life as a lone parent has been tough at times, but nothing on that scale.

I am not on a high income, I don't have means tested benefits but do qualify for various government schemes e.g. insulating our house.

But I am more than capable of booking and affording a spa session for my birthday if I want to.

You don't need to tell them for them to FEEL it. You cannot have the level of sadness and unhappiness you are living OP without your children soaking that in themselves. You are their role model, their everything, shaping them by example and providing their 'normal'
I know what it is like to struggle as a lone parent, I do. But this is more than everyday struggles and you have to know this. Noone can 'fix' it but you and it's ok if you need help to do so

Same boat. I'm 38 now and back on the apps after a failed 1.5 years relationship. Finding it hard, wish I had the time to invest more into it at a younger age. I find a lot of the men of a similar age I am competing with much younger women, and a lot of the men a few years older look a lot older. I know 2 beautiful, successful, childless single ladies similar age who have also struggled to find their match though, so I tell myself that maybe this is the shit luck I would have had anyway.

Exactly who would really choose this life. If I knew I would have broke up with her dad, I wouldn't have chose to be a single mum. I would have probably gone to work abroad for a few years as I was just working in a bar at the time after quitting uni. Wouldn't choose the life I have had, not for me and would hate my daughter to end up in the same boat in the future.

Those diagnosing you with depression must be in much better circumstances, or be able to somehow manage to switch off their adult needs in favour of living through their children. I loved watching her grow and the times we spent together, but still missed those experiences I been missing out on. Read all your posts now and that 1 taking the bins out, totally get that feeling of a lonely prison while others are living their best lives.

Oh one last suggestion before I head off to bed lol - I discovered ASMR videos on YouTube a while ago and they have been so helpful when I have been feeling overwhelmed after a long day. It’s like a simulation of receiving personal attention and it helps me to relax at bed time. It felt a bit weird at first watching them but I think they are so soothing and help my nervous system reset sometimes.

My first thought, @RibenaRibena, was whether there aren't any other single parents you can buddy up with? Four kids may be twice as much effort as two, but you would understand each other's situation and be able to give each other breaks and adult company.

A group or informal network would be even better than just one 'sister', so there's a range of capabilities and less intensity. Are you out in the middle of nowhere, or could you start finding parent buddies?

Surprisingly, your GP may be able to help with that too, if they're now offering 'social prescribing'. The kids' schools and clubs are another obvious starting point.

My adult child is autistic and has learning difficulties. They are too vulnerable to go out by themselves, so mostly friendships are online. Not that I'm suggesting you should only speak to people online, but it definitely helps. I am at home quite a lot too so also speak to people online more than in person.

Sorry, I don't think you said why you have one child at home all the time? Are they young enough you could sometimes maybe get childcare for a couple of hours even to just go for a coffee with someone?

Agree with this.
I recognise this sadness the OP is experiencing, had delt with it myself for over a decade since I become a lone parent when DD was 10 months old. It is lonely and isolating and hard to just be positive in that situation all the time. For the 1st few years you feel it is temporary and will find your match, but when it starts to dawn that isn't happening the loneliness creeps in. Even on fun days out you see a happy looking full family and feel you are only half a family. Thought building a career would help, it didn't.

I slipped into a depression a year back, healing now, but it is a totally different feeling to what i felt back then, that was actually feeling a sadness about a situation which wouldn't be a life I would have chosen for myself.

OP I also recognise that life on hold feeling and it really does feel like forever, but your time will come around again. I'm there now with DD 16.

Slowly beginning to create a life for me with my own interests. Not so easy as when I was stuck in the kid stage my friends were all enjoying life, now I have the freedom, they have moved away or are raising young families themselves. I have found classes at the gym help and feel a sense of achievement seeing improvement. Don't know if you work or not, but if not is this something you feel you would benefit from while they are at school?

Oh so lots of options for games! Personally my favourite game is Skyrim, it’s good if you are a fan of tv shows like Vikings, Game of Thrones etc and the gameplay is great for open world exploring and can really feel like you are getting away from it all. Another great game for exploration is No Man’s Sky (space exploration). Gaming is a nice way to connect with the kids too, sometimes a game of Fortnite or Minecraft with the kids feels a bit more bearable than trying to entertain them with outings or other activities.

I have never once been on holiday for my birthday. Never been on a girls holiday. Been abroad 4 times in my whole life, and my now older children have been outside the UK twice.

I've no idea how your sister has managed it, but I certainly haven't and it doesn't make me feel bad at all. I can only afford what I can and it doesn't stretch to an annual holiday even in UK. Admittedly I spend a lot on kids clubs, so if I stopped doing that then I probably would be able to.

Honestly you’d be surprised how satisfying it can be, if you find the right game. What kind of PlayStation does he have?