To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

So sorry to hear you went through that. It is so much harder with 2 especially when one won’t sleep! I hope you at least get some CMS off the useless fucker (I get a small amount off the eldests, nothing off the youngests despite him being a GP 🙃). Glad it’s improved for you and hope you manage to get a little time for yourself.

I suspect my eldest may have ADHD (just turned 4) and I can’t get anything done during the day as they both have to be supervised constantly. It’s gotten easier now he’s started school but my youngests sleep is still horrendous (he’s waiting to have his tonsils removed). I have to take them out of the flat everyday to burn off energy and tire them out.

I have found myself feeling very bitter recently. Dc1 dad goes on holiday for months at a time and dc2 dad is living his best life abroad. He blocked me when I informed him dc2 was in hospital with suspected sepsis!

It is easier in some ways that I don’t have to deal with a nasty fucker but in other ways it’s very isolating. Doesn’t help I can’t return to my previous career (aviation) due to lack of childcare so I’ll most likely be stuck in shitty low paid jobs for the forceable future.

OP just popping on here for solidarity. Lone parent for 15 years. Whilst I wouldn’t change it as my ex was an abusive arse, I get the seething resentment. 15 years of nothing, no money or support from him.

I focussed on my DD and career and little else for years. I would snatch time like when she was at Stagecoach on a Saturday I would go for a swim,
coffee or just sleep. My DD is also AuDHD.

Is there anything you can do regarding your DC at home? Feels like this is the constraining factor. No special school near that caters?

OP, could your sister help out? You mentioned she has 50/50 care of her own children and goes on lots of holidays so she presumably has free time and money? Even if she just came over in the evening when the kids are in bed / in their rooms for a glass of wine that would give you some adult company?

I feel for you op. I left an abusive marriage when my kids were very small. Additional needs kids here too. I agree, it was easier when they were small in many ways. At least they went to bed early!

Could you arrange to have the odd annual leave day while they are at school?

Carrying all of the worry yourself is so exhausting. And I always found it very lonely when there was a proud mum moment, or they just did something funny. No one to share it with. No one that cares as much as you do.

This could have been me a few years ago.,
My ex left when my son was a couple of weeks old - we rekindled once and I fell pregnant again, and he still didn’t want to support us, so I’ve been doing it alone ever since. He does see them more now fortunately, but when they were babies and toddlers, it could be months between visits. My parents lived locally and didn’t help either so I felt a lot of hurt and resentment. My eldest (likely autistic:ADHD) never slept either so I was so incredibly sleep deprived. It’s so shit because my children have had a mother who was at breaking point and could only sustain them rather then give them what they deserved. Things are much better now but I still find it hard. Being a single parent to one child is very different to two - it’s just double the work. I coped ok with one child.

That might have been the most condescending post I’ve ever read on here. And that is saying something.

I am so sorry you feel that way. I must admit being a single parent would certainly not have been my choice but I am aware that life doesn't always go the way you hope and people do frequently end up going it alone. Some manage to make a good fist of it and still have fun but I'm sure there are plenty who feel as you do.

Whatever else, please don't let your child know how unhappy you are, it isn't his or her fault, nobody asks to be born.

Do you not have an interesting job with nice colleagues? I think that is very important, gives an extra dynamic to an otherwise mundane life.

Please do try and develop a bit of a social life for yourself. Not everything costs a lot. Also make sure you look after yourself, eat as healthily as you can and always be presentable. That is good for your self esteem. Charity shops sell some beautiful clothes, you could look great and that would make you feel good. Possibly learn to cut your own hair, there are youtube videos which show you how.

I am wishing yiou all good things because you didn't ask for this and are doing your best. I won't make suggestions about groups, clubs and the school run because I know such things aren't everyone's cup of tea.

This really will not last forever. x

I love the sims. I used to play for hours before I had dc. I might need to download it again once I get my laptop fixed 😅

MN is always desperate to find a solution.

Sometimes there isn’t a solution, or any possible solution would be the same or worse in terms of misery and stress.

I also think there is a massive difference in being a single parent to one child and a single parent to multiple children. I was a fucking amazing parent to one child. Now he’s at school I’m amazing again to the little one. But both together nearly finish me off.

Oh and ‘tough love’ type posts aren’t helpful and can be harmful in the extreme FYI.

OP has a child with what I presume are significant additional needs (he/she is with her full time at home).

Just came on to say that dating in your 40s isn’t awful at all!

I’m mid-40s and have been out with some gorgeous and lovely men (of all ages) in the last couple of years and had an amazing time.

Stay positive, look after your body and in a few more years you will have a whale of a time.

Sorry I can’t offer any help right now, but don’t assume dating in your 40s is awful.

Just remember: a life can look very different in five years.

It’s on the thread title!

She has mentioned plenty of times what’s happened. Why are you on a thread you can’t even be bothered to read? Just so you can cast judgement?

In fairness, she would be “sitting indoors” in the evening anyway - why not indulge in something like gaming if it will make her feel better? Starting a course may be too much to take on considering how exhausted she is feeling. I don’t think I could face taking on study if I had full-time care of one of my children, it’s hard enough as a single parent with both my kids in school!

Life is tough.
It can be tough for most people in different ways.
A man won't make it necessarily easier for you.
Nor would sitting indoor and gaming.
Could you start a course. Open university ?

Others to consider are the Sims where you build houses and make lives for characters or Civilisation 6 where you build empires. There are some interesting ones like puzzle solving which can also be fun. I quite liked Last of Us which is available on PS4 and if you've seen the movie you'll know the story. Yes there's some shooting blood and gore but the story is also good.

I know it's hard OP and you sound completely alone. I found it hard and I wasn't. I hope that sometime soon you get some respite or help because it all sounds bloody tough

Go on bumble get a fwb

It’s a long hard slog but it actually does get better. I was lucky in that I was able to continue to work as my mum did my childcare, including night shifts. It did mean I couldn’t ask her to have him to go out as that would be taking the utter piss.

He’s 15 now, I’m able to do lots and actually was able to do more from about 12-13 when I was happy for him to be left for a few hours or he was out at friends/clubs. It does get better and I’m happy single.

It sounds really difficult.

A few practical ideas incase it helps:

Could you try going to your local family hub who can provide a listening ear and someone to talk to? Have you considered asking for a parent carer assessment? Your local council can arrange this and you may be able to get some support/breaks through this? For financial help can you pursue your ex for some maintenance money to assist?

You sound depressed.I spent 14 years happily alone bringing up kids on my own, yes there was the odd hard day but nothing I couldn't manage. Had no family or friend support as in kids go overnight or for the day. But I loved it and then once oldest was 14 met someonelse and been married a few years and had more kids and enjoy it now aswell.

I'm also a single parent and whilst it absolutely can be tough I dont think it means you can't also have a life. Do you work? Can you build up a community at work? Meet friends on your lunch break? Can you get a babysitter to go out in the evening? Do you have mum/parent friends you can have a cuppa with whilst the children play/hang out? Where is the children's dad? Do you get child maintenance ? Any family support?

I know you’ve said you’re not depressed but I absolutely think you are. A previous PP said some crap about it not being depression because you don’t have altered brain chemistry?! Whatever the f that was, ignore it. Depression is reactive, life situations can depress us, it’s not necessarily about brain chemistry! You are low in mood, feel trapped and separate from the world, don’t take pleasure in every day life and just want to sleep….. you are depressed because of your relentless and difficult social circumstances. Please go to your GP or look for local support groups.

Stop comparing yourself to others.
People might go away, have spa breaks etc but they can also be unhappy in their relationships and depressed.

Others can be single parents and have a
very happy life.

Kindly, you sound quite depressed op. Please get help. You can be happy. But comparing your life to others id never going to feel good. For any of us.

It can be absoloutley shit. My youngest still wakes 4 times a night so I haven’t had a full nights sleep in the past 20 months. The longest period of time I have had childfree time is 3 hours. Dc1 dad has him on weekends and is helpful but dc2 dad fucked off abroad when he was a baby and I haven't heard from him since.

The worst is when one of the dc is poorly and needs to go to A&E and you have to scramble to find someone to look after the other. Thankfully my family do help out wherever possible but they all work full time.

I’ve found going to sleep shortly after the dc helps a lot. I tidy up once they both sleep and batch cook at the weekend to make mealtimes easier during the week.

Hi @RibenaRibena could you let us know what the full range of ages / genders of your children is?

If you have 3 x children of varying ages and genders (one with SEN needs) it may be harder to find things they (and you) can do together, but the ages / sexes info would be useful to those of us trying to help you.

● weekend walks together ?
● bicycle rides ?
● rock climbing / indoor wall climbing ?
● scouts / girl guides
● RAF cadets

Local charities may be able to provide bikes for the 3 x children (I've lived in a few different areas of the UK and am aware of charities / sports centres who offer free bicycles to families in need in at least two local authority areas).

Could you get the children (even the 9 year old) involved in a rota of "Help Mum" tasks and chores?

Just some additional outdoor exercise / walking would help your mental health.

If you find yourself "stuck indoors" at eekends doing chores whilst your kids watch TV / play computer games ....... change the days you do laundry and cleaning (put some of the kids on the rota to help with that) ....... and the reward will be 3 hours extra time on Saturdays to do a "treat" thing out of the house.