To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

Hi OP, do you work or get carers allowance? As you have a child with autism it might be worth looking into a carers assessment and see if you’d be entitled to respite? Also have you heard of family fund? They help families with disabled children and can offer money towards holidays, sensory equipment, furniture etc anything that can help make life easier and give you support as a family.

I’m sorry you are struggling.

I don’t think all lone parents feel like this though. I certainly didn’t. I was far happier when it was just me and the DC than when their father also lived with us. Like, a hundred times happier.

Are there any small changes you could make that would bring you some joy?

I really feel for you, I'm a lone parent too and everything you are saying is completely valid I do have supportive parents at least but nevertheless I have had some really dark times.

I know it is incredibly hard not to but try not to compare yourself to your sister or anyone else, it just doesn't help. And I know what you are saying about other single parents - having 50/50 or another arrangement where you get breaks just seems like a really good deal compared to being on your own 100%! And people don't really understand the mental weight of it all either.

If you are caring for one child full time is there any possibility of respite care, one PP mentioned someone who had got some through their local family hub for challenging twins?

I would try and focus on the future as much as you can, I did want to tell you that I know a number of women dating in their 40s and as much as the apps aren't always great they are actually meeting people and developing relationships, so please don't feel there is no hope there.

I wouldn't completely dismiss anti depressants either, even if it is completely situational, if they made you feel you could cope a bit better in the short term perhaps that is worth a try? You could always stop if it made no difference.

Sending you a hug OP. I'm a lone parent and definitely know the groundhog feeling of weekends! I manage it by finding short periods while my child is in activities to do something I enjoy (walking / running). I found a very good babysitter and go to an exercise class once a week. I also compressed my working hours to get one free day a fortnight. Is something like this an option?

I do think that couples like socialising together but I have a couple of female friends who are really keen to get out every few weeks. Do you have any mum friends from school who would be keen to catch up once in a while?

I completely appreciate the financial aspect, it is really tricky juggling everything. I have a bit of manageable debt but it is very frustrating when I know how my child's father lives . We live in a tiny house and I think will be here forever!

Take care.

So many people missing the mark here. OP having a child with additional needs is relentless even when they are in school so I can imagine things are really tough for you doing it 24 hours a day solo.

Which council area are you in and does your child have an EHCP? Only asking so people can advise of respite services etc.

Sending an unmumsnet like hug as you sound like you need one.

I made several supportive posts to the OP initially. But they seem stuck in their mindset. Another symptom of depression, but then you get posters saying 'a pill won't help'.

Well, actually, it might. I say that as someone who found a pill has helped. It didn't fix the fundamental issues, but it enabled me to cope with them.

There isn't an easy or quick 'fix' for being a lone parent. But when you are able to function - even when that is down to a pill - you can start to build relationships. Not the man of your dreams, unless you are incredibly lucky (if he even exists), but friends who will be there for you, practically and/ or emotionally (not everyone is good at both).

And it can enable you to find moments of happiness you wouldn't otherwise have had.

It's actually not as expensive as you think to go away for a weekend. When I was a single parent I had no job, no support system, and a disabled child. I had no nights off, no friends, his dad was completely out of the picture. If you sit and dwell on all the stuff you don't have instead of trying to work out how you can do something small to make your life better, you're always gonna be miserable. I used to go for weekends away with my son for under £200 and we would do that like twice a year.

OP is bothered that she can't go away for her birthday, so I was giving options.

Of course they can.

Don’t be an arse.

If she really thought that she’d force the one with additional needs into school, wouldn’t she?

With what, fresh air?

I am wondering if I’m the only one reading between the lines here. The OP has at least two children. One is at home with her all the time, ergo she doesn’t work. She is living in relative poverty and isolation with at least one child with needs significant enough that they can’t attend mainstream school which means their behaviour is probably a challenge. And people are suggesting fucking weekends away and nights out with your mates?

I am concerned for OP's children, that she sees them as such a burden. They didn't ask to be born. The earlier thread that she made about her situation makes clear that she was aware that her partner had serious mental health issues, yet continued to have children with him, largely because she enjoyed the small child stage. There is no way that these poor kids don't pick up on how draining their mother finds them.

I was going to say that many women are so lucky to not have a man around and find some kind of peace with it being just them and their kids.

That said, single parenthood is definitely a challenge. I wonder if there are any organisations you can join where you will make friends and help each other out. Most parents are dependent on networks of support. You can’t do it alone.

That's alright though?

@Beeloux mine (ex) is on holiday with his girlfriend at the moment having a lovely time!
I’m fortunate to have met someone nice now but I waited 6 years before even considering dating again. It’s quite an eye opener being with a man who actually provides for his children and wants to spend time with them and isn’t always trying to wriggle out of every obligation.

Haven't you posted this several times before? I'm sure this story, plus your circumstances and posting style, are very familiar.

Good for you. But just because you are, and feel that way, doesn’t mean others can’t be struggling emotionally. These two women are relating to each others experiences and attempting to support each other. You don’t need to step in and beat them back down again. Yes, everyone has their own struggles, but that doesn’t mean people should adopt a stuff upper lip and never have feelings on their own struggles, does it?

What you describe is really hard, no doubt. I really feel for you, OP. I was wondering if you have tried the Peanut app? There's lots of mums there and certainly lots of single mums, some of them will be in similar situations. You can filter by area and find women in your location who you might connect and start a friendship with. Would you be open to try this?

This is really hard for you, OP. It’s not right that you are having to do everything for your children without any support from your ex (who is equally your children’s parent).

i can understand you not wanting him to have contact with the children given his lack of interest. However, I’d be claiming maintenance. You deserve and need the money and men need to support their children. Just because a relationship between adults breaks down, a man doesn’t stop being a father. It’s really disgusting that society expects so little from men in these circumstances

You can still go for weekends away with your child if that's what you want to do for your birthday. I was a single parent for a long time and I took my son on weekends away across the UK and Europe quite often

I voted YANBU because I'd find it very hard too. There are similarities and differences between our situations. My partner left me while pregnant and I get no support or CMS, but the difference is my parents give me loads of support and I work full time in a well paid job. Even with that I really struggle with feeling in a rut. It's hard to do anything socially, I use all my childcare favours to work, so I probably only go out with friends without my child every other month. Also I'd love a partner and another child but I have no time or energy for dating. My mum suggested I take up a hobby to meet someone but it's not like I have time for that. I also find socialising with other parents hard as I work so much and my parents do drop off/pick up.

I didn't have sex for over 2 years and I really missed it but I started seeing a single dad in a similar boat but again because of logistical challenges it was only every 2 months we'd get to spend a night together. He did ask if I wanted to move in together but I felt like it would have been convenience for both of us to alleviate the burden of doing it alone and would have taken us away from my parents.

That said I'm generally happy but I'm not often alone and I don't have money troubles, but I am often really tired. If I didn't have my parents around I'd consider getting a live in au pair or working less so I could keep on top of the house and be more involved in the kids activities and socialise that way. My son is still a toddler so I've not been doing it as long, maybe I'll feel more negative after more years.

I'm assuming you have no family around or limited support? Other families I know in this situation hire baby sitters to go out but sounds like money is tight.

I recognise that feeling of intense isolation, people laughing you are on the outside.
Is there any commuity centre near you? Can you find one tiny thing you enjoy?

I'm not sure this is a single parent problem more of a society problem.

I wasn't a single parent but I had zero help from anyone. Exhausting and soul destroying at times.

Could this be a bit of the pesky Black Dog at your door?

Op, I’ve not read the whole thread, only your updates to here. This one broke my heart. I’m so sorry. I wish you were my friend so I could bring you some cake and give you a hug and look after the kids so you could have a proper break. I’m so sorry it’s so hard. I really am.

It is bloody hard work. I have four children and their dad left when the youngest was 2yo.

In a society set up for two wages it has been hard financially. Having to work and have all the financial pressure as well as doing all the home stuff, childcare, meals, worrying all alone is soul destroying at times.

It does get easier once they can be left for a while as you can go and grab a child free coffee with a friend. It is hard when they want lifts in the evening but you have other children asleep, for example.

Mine are nearly all grown now. They are 27,25,19 and 16. They still need you but I’m finally seeing the chance to do what I want again. Just need to get the youngest through college and driving.