To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

Have you contacted any support service specifically for single parents? National helplines, England and Wales from Gingerbread, Scotland One Parent Families Scotland. NHS also has something. At the very least it will be someone to talk through the issues, you will get a benefits check to make sure you are getting what you should and there may be local support services and single parent forums done online. You can also be signposted to other charities that can offer support.

How?

Focus on what you can change. It does sound a little like you’re wallowing and getting resentful because your life is different to other people’s and that will get you nowhere. Focus on building a life for yourself for the future.

Money is something you have some agency over. What work do you do currently? Can you progress with promotions? If not, retrain in something that has a clear career path to raise earnings fairly quickly.

This will occupy your evenings, give you a sense of purpose so you don’t sit around feeling sad. Then with a realistic plan to improve this you should feel some hope for the future being better. Money will also help to unlock the other issues re. having a break and time to yourself because you’ll be able to afford paid help to go out for the evening/ even overnight occasionally. As children get older they’ll be less dependent on you as well so you will have some more freedom.

Why has your youngest been out of school for 3 years? What is happening to deal with this with the LA? It doesn’t sound like you have chosen to homeschool so this needs sorting out. Speak to SENDIAS, SOSSEN, read the Education Act 1986, the SEND Regulations 2014, make sure you know your children’s rights and take the LA to tribunal to get him/ her allocated an appropriate school. You have to fight them or nothing will happen.

Friends are very important to feel connected still while you improve the situation generally. Even if you can’t go out friends can come over to you for a drink and takeaway or a movie night? Do you have people you can spend time with, with the kids? If not, focus on building some friendships as this is very important.

It is incredibly difficult being a lone parent. PPs are right that those who haven’t done it can’t really imagine how hard it can be. I have been raising my two (both with disabilities) alone for 8 years since one was a few months old and one aged 1 (no family help here either). Work plus lone parenting plus children with disabilities and having to deal with the appalling school system and LA is relentless but things will get better if you take control of things and make a plan for how to make life better for yourself. You’ll feel much happier if you do. Don’t be trapped by thinking life just happens to you: you have choices which can change things.

Lamenting the useless ex or other people’s easier situations or convincing yourself another man would be the solution and the problem is that you can’t date is a very bad idea: you can’t rely on others to improve your life and happiness, you need to focus on building a happy life for yourself and your children. They will know if you are miserable. It’s very hard many days, I know! It is the relentlessness of years and years with never a day off that grinds you down, but it’s not forever and there is always some small moment of happiness to be found in each day if you look. You’ll feel far better if you feel you’re working towards a better life that you have chosen and taking active steps to make it happen even though it takes time.

Yes there is no denying she has been dealt a bad hand, buts it's on her to change that. She isn't stuck, she can help herself and she can get help off multiple agency's and support groups. Definetly depression, how could their not be, it's a depressing situation to be in

I didn't click the link but I wonder if I commented on that at the time as I have a vague memory of a similar post. I'm going to check in a moment

Thank you it is. But i still keep looking at the positives of things. We have to or you sink don't you. Looking forward and positive is the only thing that keeps me floating

I truly do understand how the OP feels. Probably more than most on this thread, so it's really irritating to see how much she wants to just stay in a pit of no hope... people are offering her ladders and she doesn't want to climb them

It's a sad situation all round. For her and for her children

Exactly. That is even clearer in the OP's previous thread which I linked earlier. She just gives very curt, annoyed sounding answers and doesn't seem to actually want to do anything to help herself. I get she's been dealt a bad hand, but I also think there is some depression there as well. Nothing about her attitude has changed since March. I get second hand depression just reading her words.
I'm very sorry for your situation, by the way. That sounds terrifying and heartbreaking.

The OP has multiple children, at least 3.

2 are in normal school eduction, one has special needs and is home educated by the OP. The OP is full time carer to the child with special needs, plus single parent to all 3 children.

She lives on benefits and is in relative poverty. The benefits only just cover the cost of living, existing, providing food and shelter for herself and 3 children.

A weekend break for 4 people (one with special needs) just is not possible on a benefit income.

It might be possible for a single parent with one child (just about) - but the OP has multiple children.

OP has also been told her council will help her with respite days for her eldest and they can help with breaks for the whole family. The OP has also been told to look at her local community club as they often offer respite of some sort too

She should be claiming DLA for her SEN child, that helps ease the financial burden but as far as I'm aware she's ignored people asking that too

She was also told about a personal carers budget

Could you arrange the odd annual leave day while they are at school?

The OP has at least 3 children, 2 at normal school. One child has additional SEN needs and is home schooled and home printed by the OP.

Therefore the OP @RibenaRibena is not able to work, nor to "take days off".

There are some many people responding who have not read the basic information provided by the OP in page 1 and 2 of the thread.

● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who does not work (therefore not worth pursuing for child maintenance)
● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who has not communicated with his children since 2023 so the OP does not want to involve him again - she already knows he will be unreliable and useless
● the OP has no family help from her mother nor sister who are too busy with their own lives
● the OP has multiple children, one of whom has SEN needs and is therefore home schooled
● therefore the OP doesn't work and is a full time carer for the child with additional needs

● the OP is trapped at home being a full time carer to 1 child with additional needs, plus at least 2 other children who attend school and have different needs

● the OP is financially restricted to what she receives in benefits and therefore suggesting holidays and weekend breaks (for 3 children and 1 adult, one child who has special needs) is expensive and ridiculous

OP, just another thought...

The stuff we see on SM....it can get us on a downer. I see people posting stuff about going out and doing amazing things, and having what look like amazing lives. And it can get us down about our own situations. But comparison is definitely the thief of joy...and we don't see the struggles or problems that they have which aren't posted!! I look at my DB and DSIL (they don't live and post their lives on SM, just the occasional thing), and imagine their life is idyllic 24/7...but I see them often and know that they have struggles too. I look at DSIL as someone who is perfect in every way (and she IS a bloody awesome wonderful lady!): with life, parenting, work etc...but then she will say things about the cool things I do and that she thinks the same of me - which makes me think "WTH, most of the time I'm knackered, winging it and hoping for the best!". We've both chatted loads about this, and decided that we are both just winging things as best we can!!

I don't know your situation and wouldn't presume to...but maybe see about chipping away at doing some small simple things to make you feel better or give you a little bit of me time. Each of those is a little win xx

Im not saying children with extra needs are a trap, but i think the opportunity for alone time is harder and can grind you down. But I also they are a gift. I actually have a friend who finally managed to get a job based on her experience looking after her son, because her experience and knowledge and empathy were invaluable and employers do see that. People do see that and can pick up on that xx

Loads of people have empathy for the OP it's clear to see that..... the poster your replying to has empathy and concern for the children.... and I'm not surprised

I'm concerned for those children too. Fair enough mum isnt having a great time..... but imagine how those kids feel living with a depressed adult who wont help themselves?I've been. Nothing but supportive to the OP throughout this thread but she's intent on being miserable. I genuinely feel very sorry for her children. Hopefully she can get out of this mindset and seek support for all of them

You need a friend to help you have a little review of your situation and help you make a plan. A yr/ two yr plan, because yes it is hard, but you sound as though you are drowning. When you get these little opportunities for breaks don't go home. Go for a walk, get a cheap coffee and sit somewhere, thats the first part. Just being out of the house helps me. My child doesn't have special needs so I can see the end and path to some freedom. Whereas it is different for you, for which i am sorry, your mother not willing to help fine, leave her to it , but her being unwilling is a form of punishment (in my opinion from when she was alone and had no help- and we know not to repeat those mistakes with our own children, so that's a take home for your children). Access these groups, take part in them and see what grows, nothing happens overnight. But a decade is a long time to be alone and struggling. Xx I feel for you xx

No, OP is ignoring any helpful advice and suggestions. She's been asked a few times a about council respite for her child and she ignored any poster who offers actual ideas of how to get support.

I am in the exact same same boat as OP, both my children are disabled and I have a terminal Illness......

People know it's relentless that's why their offering all sorts of ways for the OP to get support and she is not interested in looking for any sort of support.... I literally said upthread my local comunity centre does all sorts for SEN children.... one of the volunteers daughters volunteers and is also a babysitter.... but OP wasn't interested?

People know exactly what's going on and are trying to offer support and the OP doesn't want it really, she just wants to feel sorry for herself

@RibenaRibena It is tough and I feel for you.

Can you put a claim in for Child Maintenance through the CMS? That might alleviate some of the financial pressures. Your ex shouldn't get away with not paying for his children, even if he's getting away with not parenting them.

Also if you look at Gingerbread they might have a local group for single parents like you - it can sometimes help to talk to others and then you won't feel so alone.

And I suspect the SEN board on here might be more sympathetic - it can so hard parenting children with additional needs because it's so relentless. And doing it on your own is just horrendous.

I was a single parent and I get you that other people do different things, so you go for a day trip they do Disney for a weekend. Its rubbish looking at what other people have that you don't. Not only that it will make you feel rubbish.

What would make you happy ? how old are your children?

The grammar and typos in my last post are horrific lol. This bloody keyboard on this phone and autocorrect. Apologies

It is really tough, unrelenting and often exhausting. My heart goes out to you OP, and I hope your honesty helps others who are bringing up children on their own. I did the whole thing alone, my child's dad pissed off when our baby was 7 months old and only paid sporadic child support for about three years and then nothing after that. He opted in and out of our child's life seeing them less and less as he then went on to have three other kids with the woman he left me for. I got no money and my child got no time because his new family was his priority. I did my best but it was beyond tough at times, I went hungry, we were cold, we had no holidays for years, I dreaded Christmas due to the pressure and expense, and I was so lonely at times I wanted to cry. Yes, we survived and yes the love I have for my child is like no oher love I have experienced but we did without even the basics at times. It has impacted on almost every aspect of my life making me poorer than my peers who all parented in conventional couples It was years before I could contribute to a pension or save as I needed every penny just to get by. It's bloody hard but I do console myself that it is better than being in a bad or abusive relationship. OP you will get through but it is very far from easy

I'm not a parent, I'm guy but ny heart and empathy goes out to you. I've been around and lived wirh kids when was I with the ex and can see how much two parents are needed, it's bloody hard enough then! But maybe try and seek enjoyment through your kids, taking pride in seeing them flourish. I know when look after my nephew for just a day how exhausting it can be but obviously not the same as that'a priviledge. But maybe something you should be proud of and take great pleasure and sense of achievement from. It's small wins.

Of course I know that does not change how you feel in terms of your needs as we all fundamentally have those primal needs and it's causes deep tension and frustrated that runs throughout the body that it can be physicsl pain in body. Touch and physical touch is so healing and powerful antidote. We all need it, don't care what anyone says. It just calms you now, the health benefits are widely spoken about. It's feeds soul, mindy ans body, they're all connected. Doesnt have to mean sex but that helps. I know the frustration and difference when not physical touch or having sex, it does help with mood etc. People can say what they want about it but it does help a little as long. Are you able to maybe book in for a massage or something or tantric massage? It might help.

Other than that, what I would say if you can helps, is finding a passion or hobby you can maybe explore that might lead to you meeting others. The important of a hobby or physical exercise cannot be understated. I started the gym and PT two years ago, I've always hated the gym and now I love it. I never speak to someone and work from home but know it resets me mentally and that's is why continued to do it. Not saying it always works or will work for you. But it reinforces consistent pattern. In your situation, I would never find a single parents fb group or something if possible in your area, they can be lifeline for single Mums, you never know might or might lead to something but at least it's something to explore. Life is all about trying right rather than facing the pain of not trying. I'm quite lonely guy and have my own daily battles but as someone is who isn't most confident guy in the world or with big ego, I'm bit hapless and always give things a go even if don't want to and show up for myself for my body and mind. Keeping our bodies active esepcially now as 36 year old is more important than ever. I honestly think exploring just few small things will help at least lift your mood. Not saying it's going to change your life but what is the alternative, continue to stay miserable and time just rapidly eroding. Time is fleeting, I honestly feel like all weeks roll into one. So we really have to make most of it for what we can. If you were close to me, I offer to just have a chat and just listen. I like to try to energise people and lift them up and be silly because it energises me. Life is hard and we all need someone to listen. I would honestly find other single Mums who you can do this, you will have by default and shared experience of the fact there would be relatable grounding.

I find problem is, this individualistic world we're living in right now. I've been reading through all comments on this post as other people's lives do intrigue me and we are social beings after all. We are designed to be that way and this captialist western world is antithesis to that.

We are now seeing the damaging long term harmful effects of individualistic society. It's no wonder we're all lonely. We were warn about this but governments and measures of years of austerity have ruin any sense of community by stripping all fabric of social cohesion and community outreach and clubs etc through lack of investment. It's hardly surprising mental health is rife and it's only going to get worse until it spills over, we end up in civil outrbeak rioting and destroying each other. The protests are just beginning of this as people's fears are played up on more.

I wish you luck, find a hobby, anything that makes you feel better. Action is antithesis to paralysis.

Hi, just a message to say you aren’t alone. I feel it too, and then you feel guilty for feeling this way…. It’s like a cycle you can’t get out of. Sending strength 💗

I'm always amazed when posters encourage women to go it alone with an unplanned pregnancy.
Parenting is hard enough while shared.
I think single parenting is extremely hard, harder again with little money.
I cannot imagine how challenging it is.

OP, it sounds so lonely and so hard.
The daily relentless grind for a decade.
I am so sorry that you have so little support.
Shame on your mother.
She sounds like a horror.
I can never understand how a parent wouldn't at least give up an evenings babysitting to give a single parent a weekly break.

I hear you, solo parent to child with additional needs. However I have extended family who support for work purposes, do the odd inset days and a day a week during school hols but begrudgingly support for 'me' time, so I tend to mostly struggle on. Do you work full time, is it an option cutting your hours? Also do you claim PIP or DLA, or whatever it is, if the kids have additional needs? This was recently suggested to me so I'm going to look into. Also could you get respite through social services if the kids have additional needs and you have no other support, I'm sure they'd rather fund that or you fund it through DLA than the whole family unit completely breakdown in a few years because your burnt out?

OP, you do sound like you're on your knees. I'm a single parent, but my DC are 12 and 19 (19 today!!), NT and getting more independent. My eldest's dad left me when I was pregnant (went AWOL for 3yrs). I divorced my youngest's dad 5/6yrs back (long story, won't put it here). Neither ex have them at all, and I don't get CM for my youngest (Ex1 used to occasionally send money across). My parents are deceased (but were very supportive when they were with us). My other family are dotted about the country/planet. I have it a lot easier than you as my DC are NT, and attend/attended school FT and without issue. So yes, I understand the hard slog, the mental load, the lack of money (but I do work/am able to work FT which again is a massive bonus), but I don't have the additional responsibilities that you have. I don't go away on girly holidays/weekends away (I couldn't afford to, and I have to keep AL for family things). Our holidays consist of camping (which luckily we all love doing!) or occasional days out. I don't date, and have no interest in it at all.

I think it's a societal thing that needs addressing: i.e. that exes can just fuck off without a "by your leave" and not bother with proper parenting/contact (obvs assuming that they're safe to look after their kids!) or CM. But it's a tale as old as time and not something that can be easily fixed.

My thoughts of things to do/try out (if possible):
-I second/third/fourth the idea of gaming!! I know it sounds nuts but it was something I would do on an evening once DC were asleep (particularly when they were younger). I had a PS2 and loved Drakan and Dark Cloud (fab solo games!). For two player games, I loved Champions of Norrath. This is going back a good few years!!
-I also used to do You Tube/DVD exercise videos (and had a small fold up exercise bike) at home. It was the small things to do for myself, when at home with the DC (or after work/DC bedtime) that made me feel a little better about things and gave me a "me break" of sorts, and small things to look forward to.
-I'd carve out time (in evening) to have a nice bath and read my Kindle. Felt a bit more special than the quick showers I'd normally take. Or I'd make myself a "posh meal" and do cheese and biscuits with fruit in front of a movie/series once the DC were in bed.
-I have friends locally who are amazing, but of course have their own lives and families. For socialising, as I couldn't go out, I'd either have friends over (and we'd do some gaming or watch a movie together) or sometimes we'd go out for walks/picnics with friends (DC would be with me). Or I'd video call mates and we'd discuss books, or do more gaming together etc.
-You'll laugh, but one of my old school mates and I still do this....message/phone/video call each other and then try and meet our respective to-do lists (either around the house or the garden, or with cooking/meal prep): she was medically retired from work and doesn't have a car. She also lives a 2hr drive from me, so it's not possible for me to go see her very often at all. It's a way for us to catch up/keep in contact, vent about our days, and be accountable to each other. It probably sounds really lame to other people but we have a good laugh, put the world to rights, talk about our interests and get our chores done!!

Typically now that the DC are older, I'm having the fun of menopause (peri hit me in my 30's and I'm 45 now) so I'm often too knackered to think about going out much...so I do a lot of the things mentioned above...but I need to get back on to the exercise bike!! I wish you all the best OP, and hope that you can find some small things that will help you x

Homeschooling and parenting a SEN child changes the landscape entirely here, OP. That's exhausting enough for any parent, let alone a lone parent as there is no break. Most lone parents take respite where they can, even those of us working full time get stuff done in our lunch breaks.

People (me included) were suggesting depression because although it's tiring, it's not usual to feel so exhausted.

Are you entitled to any respite care for your SEN child? Could the older ones go to a friends house to give you a break?

Have you never been burnt out before?
Having a child with additional needs is exhausting and it is hard work to support them all the time, especially if you are doing it alone and having to care for your other children as well, you almost have to split yourself into pieces trying to balance the constant support and supervision needed for one child whilst trying to offer the same to your other children.
I can fully understand why OP feels the way she does, a little empathy goes a long way!

The world we live in is extremely isolating and I personally feel that people don't seem to make friends any more. In the past few years (I am mid forties) I have made efforts to suggest things with people but I've found it doesn't really result in friendship. People seem to want to just meet at say a club, and thats it. There's no interest in proper friendship. My friends are ones I made over 10 years ago, and unfortunately they live 2 hours away. It's hard, the only thing I do is I join online clubs and groups and that way I do interact a little with others, but I hear your pain. At least you have kids to keep you company.