Page 4 | To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

RibenaRibena · 2025-09-27T19:54:46+00:00

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 14:36

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:25

I know you’re in a horrible situation and have compassion for it, and it’s great you’re able to have a more positive attitude. But telling someone who is clearly struggling, and has give everything for her children by coping on her own for a decade while their dad has abandoned them that you “feel sorry” for her children is really cruel in my opinion

Show quote history

Definetly did not intend to come across as cruel, I feel sorry for the OP too. I also feel sorry for myself and my own children. I feel sorry for the OP because it is a awful situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone

I feel sorry for the children because at one point I was the OP and as much as I told myself my unhappiness didn't affect my children it did. I still feel guilty that I wasn't as present as I could of been because I was so down and depressed - and I understand why I was, it's a very lonely place to be.

I'm just trying to show the OP there are options out there to ease off some of the load and there are so many places that offer tons of different support

thepariscrimefiles · 28/09/2025 14:34

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 09:10

I am concerned for OP's children, that she sees them as such a burden. They didn't ask to be born. The earlier thread that she made about her situation makes clear that she was aware that her partner had serious mental health issues, yet continued to have children with him, largely because she enjoyed the small child stage. There is no way that these poor kids don't pick up on how draining their mother finds them.

Show quote history

How do you know that it's OP posting on the other thread? This is the only thread with OP's user name. You can't start blaming OP for things that were said on a completely different thread when you have no proof that it is definitely her.

Original poster

RibenaRibena · 28/09/2025 14:26

Also people mentioning clubs my daughter requires a 1:1 so she cannot attend clubs, the LA won’t supply a 1:1 as this is only for children who attend a special school in the borough, I simply could not afford to pay for a 1:1 for her to attend a club.

OP posts:

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:25

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 14:21

I'm in exactly the same situation, if not worse than the OP. I've already addressed upthread that she's right nothing will change for now ... but there are things she can do to help herself feel more positive about the situation.... she complains about getting no time for herself yet won't take onboard questions about respite ect

The feeling of "what's the point" is the point. It's no life to live for the OP and her children and people are offering advice and support that would benefit the family as a whole, I feel sorry for them all.

Show quote history

I know you’re in a horrible situation and have compassion for it, and it’s great you’re able to have a more positive attitude. But telling someone who is clearly struggling, and has give everything for her children by coping on her own for a decade while their dad has abandoned them that you “feel sorry” for her children is really cruel in my opinion

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 14:21

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:09

none of the things suggested will fundamentally change OP’s situation. They may offer very very minor and temporary improvement but things will still be fucking horrendous for her so I don’t blame her for thinking what’s the point

Show quote history

I'm in exactly the same situation, if not worse than the OP. I've already addressed upthread that she's right nothing will change for now ... but there are things she can do to help herself feel more positive about the situation.... she complains about getting no time for herself yet won't take onboard questions about respite ect

The feeling of "what's the point" is the point. It's no life to live for the OP and her children and people are offering advice and support that would benefit the family as a whole, I feel sorry for them all.

Solomamma · 28/09/2025 14:15

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:06

I’m not sure a SAHM reliant only on benefits has a spare £100. I appreciate it isn’t an expensive holiday compared to others but I bet £100 is a lot of money to the OP and probably out of reach

Show quote history

Well as I also suggested there are charities who provide breaks for all sorts of people in different circumstances. So having a holiday is still possible for the OP if she wants to reach out and ask for help

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:09

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 11:36

Yes there is no denying she has been dealt a bad hand, buts it's on her to change that. She isn't stuck, she can help herself and she can get help off multiple agency's and support groups. Definetly depression, how could their not be, it's a depressing situation to be in

I didn't click the link but I wonder if I commented on that at the time as I have a vague memory of a similar post. I'm going to check in a moment

Thank you it is. But i still keep looking at the positives of things. We have to or you sink don't you. Looking forward and positive is the only thing that keeps me floating

I truly do understand how the OP feels. Probably more than most on this thread, so it's really irritating to see how much she wants to just stay in a pit of no hope... people are offering her ladders and she doesn't want to climb them

It's a sad situation all round. For her and for her children

Show quote history

none of the things suggested will fundamentally change OP’s situation. They may offer very very minor and temporary improvement but things will still be fucking horrendous for her so I don’t blame her for thinking what’s the point

YetiRosetti · 28/09/2025 14:06

Solomamma · 28/09/2025 14:04

OP's situation sounds really difficult but actually there's nothing wrong with people suggesting holidays. A caravan at Haven for a weekend out of season is very doable on one income, including for those on benefits, whether you've one or three children. If you get stay and play, evening entertainment is included, some day time activities, including swimming are free. You don't need a massive budget, have your meals in, take packed lunches out, so it's no more than what you'd spend staying at home. I've done it many times over the years for less than £100. I've not done a Sun holiday but I understand you can get them even cheaper. And there are charities that offer free breaks to those in poverty, or for kids with disabilities, young carers, looked after children and so on, but you have to reach out and ask for help. If she wants a holiday it isn't the impossible

Show quote history

I’m not sure a SAHM reliant only on benefits has a spare £100. I appreciate it isn’t an expensive holiday compared to others but I bet £100 is a lot of money to the OP and probably out of reach

Original poster

RibenaRibena · 28/09/2025 14:05

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 14:02

If he is renting out his house, he must have money enough to pay for his children. You should definitely pursue him for child maintenance. What a disgraceful man.

He does not declare it and he won’t give any money.

OP posts:

Solomamma · 28/09/2025 14:04

RavenFinch · 28/09/2025 11:28

The OP has multiple children, at least 3.

2 are in normal school eduction, one has special needs and is home educated by the OP. The OP is full time carer to the child with special needs, plus single parent to all 3 children.

She lives on benefits and is in relative poverty. The benefits only just cover the cost of living, existing, providing food and shelter for herself and 3 children.

A weekend break for 4 people (one with special needs) just is not possible on a benefit income.

It might be possible for a single parent with one child (just about) - but the OP has multiple children.

Show quote history

OP's situation sounds really difficult but actually there's nothing wrong with people suggesting holidays. A caravan at Haven for a weekend out of season is very doable on one income, including for those on benefits, whether you've one or three children. If you get stay and play, evening entertainment is included, some day time activities, including swimming are free. You don't need a massive budget, have your meals in, take packed lunches out, so it's no more than what you'd spend staying at home. I've done it many times over the years for less than £100. I've not done a Sun holiday but I understand you can get them even cheaper. And there are charities that offer free breaks to those in poverty, or for kids with disabilities, young carers, looked after children and so on, but you have to reach out and ask for help. If she wants a holiday it isn't the impossible

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 14:02

If he is renting out his house, he must have money enough to pay for his children. You should definitely pursue him for child maintenance. What a disgraceful man.

birling16 · 28/09/2025 13:52

I find problem is, this individualistic world we're living in right now. I've been reading through all comments on this post as other people's lives do intrigue me and we are social beings after all. We are designed to be that way and this captialist western world is antithesis to that

Excuse the wandering off but I have just been to a free local event in our local park. NOBODY would lift a finger.

Original poster

RibenaRibena · 28/09/2025 13:46

And it’s not because he can’t cope it’s because he rents all the rooms out in his house which is his choice he doesn’t this so he doesn’t have to work, he doesn’t want to come and take them out because that isn’t cheap and he lives 90 mins away so didn’t want to travel down just to take them to the park and go home again (we tried that a few times but he wouldn’t stick to it) also he isn’t autistic, autism isn’t in his family it’s on my side of the family I have extended family members that are autistic, he does not. Also he didn’t like me going out or not being around once I stayed in my room to give him some time with them without me so he could bond with them so I kept out of the way and he told me that was “weird” and he won’t be coming down again if I’m going to act weird, I was trying to give them some time alone and also trying to get some space myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

RibenaRibena · 28/09/2025 13:34

And to the person that asked if my sister would help with them, no she won’t she is a teacher and said she doesn’t not want to be around children outside of school as she spends all day with children.

OP posts:

Original poster

RibenaRibena · 28/09/2025 13:33

Theoturkeyfliesnorth · 28/09/2025 06:37

So your ex doesn't work ,and would only see the kids at your house ..which you stopped a couple of years ago ..and he hasn't been in touch since ...the kids must miss him ,and wonder where he is ..hes been in their lives 8 years then gone .
So the situation of him only having them in your home ,was probably all he could cope with.. likely autistic as it's hereditary.
But you could of worked with that ,and extended the time so you were able to leave the kids and dad at your house to get out for a coffee and to do the shopping.
In your shoes ,I would be contacting dad again ..I'd be restarting contact at your house ..I'd be building up slowly to leaving dad and and kids alone for longer times ...and that then becomes your bit of freedom..and the time you can nip out on dates ..you can join dating agencies and have fun chatting with men of an evening with a glass of wine ,and plan your dates out ,when your ex is in your home with the kids ..
It's not ideal ,him being so inflexible..but you need to use him to your advantage..and unless he is violent or abusive,it's better for the DC to have him in their lives .. especially as you have very little family

No sorry but I won’t be doing this, he wasn’t in their lives consistently for 8 years he has never seen them consistently. He would only come down to my house to see them then stop when he bored. he would visit every 2/3 months or less all on his terms and when he could be bothered, he refused to stick to any kind of pattern or regular contact, would promise to come and see them then not show up or cancel at 2am the night before, leaving them upset, he was suppose to come down for our daughters birthday then cancelled on the day, he didn’t see our youngest till she was 2 years old because he was annoyed I had kept her. he saw them once then told me he didn’t want to be involved and disappeared for a year he then came back saw then again and disappeared for another year, I kept giving him chances as I wanted the kids to have a father but every time he came down he would ignore them and fall asleep on the sofa. He won’t take them to his house because he rents out the rooms so has no space, when he was here He would try it on with me, try to stay over. my son said he didn’t want him here anymore as all he does is fall asleep and ignore them. He would text me telling me he loves me. I will not leave him alone in my house with them as he goes through my letters and searches my wardrobe (I caught him doing both) he is not allowed in my house anymore.

OP posts:

TeddySchnauzer · 28/09/2025 12:39

I also don’t get maintenance, have no family support and neither him nor his family have anything to do with DC either; Plus I have no friends. It is unimaginably hard. You lose your identity, people think less of you and try to imply you chose this life to milk the system somehow(!?!?!) and you cannot facilitate any kind of dating or socialising, let alone a sex life(!) so you’re trapped in Groundhog Day. Making sandwiches, cooking and cleaning. Yet another supermarket shop, battling with your DC to get them to clean their rooms and themselves and doing laundry. Then you go to bed at the same time as them because why not? There’s nobody to talk to. Then it starts alllllllll over again the next day. It’s a feckless existence

TeddySchnauzer · 28/09/2025 12:26

I’m exactly the same (also haven’t had sex in a decade!) been a 100% lone parent for 10 years. It is lonely but there are perks to it and it does get easier as they get older

blackheartsgirl · 28/09/2025 12:19

I’m now a lone parent as my youngest dds dad has completely ignored her for years and my other kids dad no longer has a relationship with them now they’ve turned into adults.

i have no other family support, parents, grandparents, uncle now dead, no siblings, cousins, nothing never had them to start with. One or two friends and that’s it.

its the most loneliest, most hardest job I’ve ever done, EVERYTHING is down to me, and I just really struggle most days.

I Do try and find support in different ways, I go to a well being group every week and a craft group just so I can be with people.

my dd is 15 now, so can be left, although she has had her challenges.

and to the person who said the first 10 years are the hardest, no not necessarily. Parenting teenagers as a lone parent is exhausting, relentless, especially those who are struggling and have additional problems.

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 12:18

crayoningthewall · 28/09/2025 12:11

This.

And the ‘helpful advice’ the OP is ignoring is not relevant.

Show quote history

Which bits are not relevent?

DLA, Personal Carers Budget, Council Respite, Local community centre - Ran/funded by the Council

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 12:13

crayoningthewall · 28/09/2025 12:11

This.

And the ‘helpful advice’ the OP is ignoring is not relevant.

Show quote history

How is it not relevant to say that she could get help from the local authority?

crayoningthewall · 28/09/2025 12:11

RavenFinch · 28/09/2025 11:21

Could you arrange the odd annual leave day while they are at school?

The OP has at least 3 children, 2 at normal school. One child has additional SEN needs and is home schooled and home printed by the OP.

Therefore the OP @RibenaRibena is not able to work, nor to "take days off".

There are some many people responding who have not read the basic information provided by the OP in page 1 and 2 of the thread.

● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who does not work (therefore not worth pursuing for child maintenance)
● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who has not communicated with his children since 2023 so the OP does not want to involve him again - she already knows he will be unreliable and useless
● the OP has no family help from her mother nor sister who are too busy with their own lives
● the OP has multiple children, one of whom has SEN needs and is therefore home schooled
● therefore the OP doesn't work and is a full time carer for the child with additional needs

● the OP is trapped at home being a full time carer to 1 child with additional needs, plus at least 2 other children who attend school and have different needs

● the OP is financially restricted to what she receives in benefits and therefore suggesting holidays and weekend breaks (for 3 children and 1 adult, one child who has special needs) is expensive and ridiculous

Show quote history

This.

And the ‘helpful advice’ the OP is ignoring is not relevant.

BournardTourney · 28/09/2025 12:06

Is there anything creative you have enjoyed in the past or would like to learn? There are a lot of online 15 minute a day free creative courses. You could follow the activity for the day and your children could either join in or practice using the tools. Then if they and you enjoy then it’s something you could look at doing together in a live class, if they outgrow it when they are older you could still attend.
I was listening to an entrepreneur talk and they are a multi billionaire single parent and they were saying that to start with they took their child to all the business / adult side of their life and then socialised them with children later. Not for everyone but are there any areas of your life where you can dictate “we’re doing this” or “we’re going here” even if it is not something you would initially think of as interesting for a child? Your last birthday at Pizza Hut. Was that for them? Where would you have preferred to go?

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 12:03

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 11:53

It does sound like the OP in that thread and she says her children are 13 12 10 and 7..... all are at great ages for local clubs ect,

Mine are 8 and 10 and there are 2 local free clubs I could send them to twice a week if I wished to do so. Both I could leave them there, I don't have to stay ( we don't go frequently as I am unwell a lot but when I do go I do stay as I can't manage the journey home twice as such ) but if I wanted to I could have 2 evenings a week to myself

Their not usually well advertised but ours have lots of full free days out in the holidays and they always have free holiday clubs that are for 4 hours a day.

She really does need to look at her local community club, they are fantastic.... ours is a deprived area too but they manage to do all sorts of fun things for the kids and they feed them whilst they have them too

A PP mentioned experience with SEN children can lead to job opportunities and I agree with that. Our SEN club asked if I'd like to volenteer as she thought I'd be fantastic at it. I do occasionally but again can't manage a lot.... but a few of the other women who work there also used to be volunteers, but now it's a job

Show quote history

I agree, there are many things OP could do. However, you can lead a horse to water.....She just seems to want to vent and wallow, which, while understandable, is not very healthy nor very fair on the children. She might claim not to resent them, but I'm not entirely sure I buy that. She is certainly very fixed in her attitude. I am 100% sure that both threads are the same person, both the circumstances and the posting style are identical. The only thing to change is her username.
You sound amazing, I take my hat off to you.

Penguinsandspaniels · 28/09/2025 12:02

I get it is hard

day after day on own doing it all alone and not having a break due to having one child not at school

not sure what camp I’m in

im a single parent - I kicked dh out last year due to his drinking. He isn’t really much help with dd

he did have her overnight once a week last year , but I had to stop that due to his drinking

but she sees him for a few hours once week so I do get a few hours (3/4) to myself

but I have it police it and breathalyser him before /after to make sure hasn’t drunk

if he does drink he doesn’t see dc for a while

what sen does your child have @RibenaRibena. Can you get mencap or other holiday support so you can have a break

is the one at home the youngest - can they go to school at all ?

what is stopping /additional needs ?

you don’t mention friends - are they any who can either pop round so you have have some adult company

or even have your kids for a few hours so you can have a break

to join any support groups and get our meeting people

I assume you can’t work due to having child at home full time so no work respite

I didn’t expect to be a single parent and it is bloody hard and tiring - I don’t have Alive parents who could help but we also know some parents like yours don’t want to help and yes they don’t have to as they have done their child raising years

but to me what parent can watch their own child struggle and not offer any help or support ?

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 11:53

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 11:30

Exactly. That is even clearer in the OP's previous thread which I linked earlier. She just gives very curt, annoyed sounding answers and doesn't seem to actually want to do anything to help herself. I get she's been dealt a bad hand, but I also think there is some depression there as well. Nothing about her attitude has changed since March. I get second hand depression just reading her words.
I'm very sorry for your situation, by the way. That sounds terrifying and heartbreaking.

Show quote history

It does sound like the OP in that thread and she says her children are 13 12 10 and 7..... all are at great ages for local clubs ect,

Mine are 8 and 10 and there are 2 local free clubs I could send them to twice a week if I wished to do so. Both I could leave them there, I don't have to stay ( we don't go frequently as I am unwell a lot but when I do go I do stay as I can't manage the journey home twice as such ) but if I wanted to I could have 2 evenings a week to myself

Their not usually well advertised but ours have lots of full free days out in the holidays and they always have free holiday clubs that are for 4 hours a day.

She really does need to look at her local community club, they are fantastic.... ours is a deprived area too but they manage to do all sorts of fun things for the kids and they feed them whilst they have them too

A PP mentioned experience with SEN children can lead to job opportunities and I agree with that. Our SEN club asked if I'd like to volenteer as she thought I'd be fantastic at it. I do occasionally but again can't manage a lot.... but a few of the other women who work there also used to be volunteers, but now it's a job