To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

I’m not a parent so I hope you don’t mind me commenting but I actually think I understand why you are feeling the way you do. I care for a parent single handedly and haven’t had a break in just over 9 years. No other family as much as checks in by phone and I get no breaks. I can’t even leave on a day trip without a ton of preparation alongside the healthcare assistant who comes for 1 hour/day and it’s just too much worry if I did go.

I was offered the option of putting her in a care home for respite but the guilt eats me up because it means she would have no visitors and would just stay in her room like she’s done when she’s been there before (recovering on the way home from hospital stays). I don’t know what age you are? But I can see it’s so upsetting and frustrating watching life pass me by and feeling myself getting older (I’m 36) and going nowhere, figuratively and literally. Personally I am depressed but it feels like I’m in a hole and can’t find a way out. Does this sound like a familiar feeling OP? Not trying to make your post about me but thought that maybe some part of my comment resonates with you. 💕🌺

I'm exactly the same apart from a solo parent through widowhood.

Yes it is all so difficult, and lonely. Even when DC have flown the nest I'll still be alone (given up on the prospect of meeting anyone, and struggling with peri!)

As time goes on, it's been a decade for me, you learn how to cope. Practical things are still difficult but you do get used to it. Things fall by the wayside, some things don't get done at all, decorating the house for example - I can't do it and hate getting tradespeople in, can't move furniture alone etc etc, but you realise that's not important. Focus on the things that are.

Don't feel alone though, because as you can see from this thread, there are many of us here. All trying to do our best.

We're going on holiday for Christmas, the first time ever. Otherwise it would just be another day or me and DC at home.

Then scroll on, ffs. 🙄

As I said, think what you want. You are wrong.

Think whatever you want. I couldn’t give a toss what some random on the internet thinks. You are wrong about why I posted what I did. Completely and utterly wrong.

As I’ve said to another poster, it isn’t just you. I think that you knew what you were doing in helpfully making sure (in case they weren’t already) that others knew the OP had posted before, a lot, and that she had for whatever reason not found the advice helpful.

I do get it can be frustrating when people don’t seem to do obvious things that would help their situation but it isn’t for any of us to say what she should do.

No, I haven’t. Over 325 posts had already been posted on this thread before I even commented. Only 2 people other than you and the OP have interacted with my posts on this thread. Hardly a ‘wave of criticism’.

You haven’t, but you have opened a very unhappy woman up to a wave of criticism.

It is up to you if you think that’s OK.

I didn’t say otherwise. I haven’t linked to any other thread, mentioned the title of any of thread or any previous names.

I’m sure she’s capable of finding them herself.

I don’t know about the other poster, but I originally mentioned OP’s other threads because she would find it helpful to re-read the advice about EHCPs, school transport, social care assessments, etc. on the previous threads. She has received a lot of good advice that would be helpful to re-visit and work her way through.

And - I’m not taking her situation personally. I just think that exposing past usernames is a shitty thing to do, especially when it’s done in the way it was here.

I don’t really like saying this but there’s absolutely nothing to aspire to or envy in the OPs life. She’s lonely, alienated from family and any previous friends, unable to work, frustrated and depressed.

Being blunter than I normally am on here because I don’t want to upset the OP but yes, I suspect that her own tired and defeatist view has probably been partly responsible for that, but she’s been on MN for over five years now at the very least, nothings changed so a bossy post exposing her isn’t going to help.

I genuinely don’t really understand what it achieves and it isn’t just you. I actually prefer your directness over another posters simpering faux niceness. But either way, nothing will change. I just feel sorry for the OP, I guess. I’ve never been in her situation but I have experienced absolute hopelessness and people wagging their fingers at you doesn’t buck you up, it send you into despair.

So what was the motivation then, if it wasn’t to turn posters against her? Because the above looks like ‘I didn’t want to turn posters against her, but I don’t like her or her posts so I wanted posters to turn against her.’

No, I didn't do it to 'turn posters against her'. You seem to be taking her situation very personally. I did it because her threads always end up the same way, with people making a lot of in depth and helpful suggestions, and her having a reason why nothing will work. After about the fifth or sixth time it gets really old.

Tbh I do think the OP is depressed, which is where a lot of the feeling of hopelessness and pointlessness comes from.

That’s not going to be cured by exposing her posting history on MN; in fact it’s likely to make her feel even more shit.

This is a perfect example of how the distinction between situational sadness (often temporary & tied to external events), and clinical depression (biochemical imbalances) has been blurred in everyday language and it's done a disservice to both those who are e.g, like @OP or grieving and those who are truly ill. Now, sadness is pathologised, and people are either dismissed as in 'cheer up!' or over medicated without addressing the root cause.

Well, MN didn’t agree Alice. You did it to turn posters against her, so I’m not sure where the pure and compassionate motivations were tbh.

This is why it isn't 'nasty' to point out when a poster has posted before frequently.

@TheClaaaw OP has posted numerous times over several years under many different names about the EHCP, which is, of course, her prerogative.

She has received advice about the phase transfer, about how part of the problem was although the primary gave 1:1 it wasn’t detailed, specified and quantified in F, about how she could request leave to appeal out of time, s19 provision, how to enforce the AR when the LA were in breach of that duty, legal aid, about the exceptions for not naming parental preference, about requesting an expedited hearing, and so much more. She has also received advice about school transport and social care assessments.

Oh sorry, I didn’t realise the OP had posted for advice about EHCPs and tribunals before, and by the sound of it got advice from people much more experienced in all of this than I am!

@RibenaRibena I hope that you will access some of the support from organisations that have been mentioned and follow this really good advice from @flawlessflipper. The LA will not fix this issue and allocate your daughter an appropriate school unless you force them to do so. They do this to every family I’ve ever come across, no matter how severe the disabilities of their children, how undeniable their support needs are, how many specialists have told them the same thing: they’ll still swear night is day until a judge - who actually cares about the law and is capable of rational judgement - orders them to do what they know they should have been doing all along. The best thing you can do by far for you and your daughter and other children IMO is to focus all of your energy on this and ensuring that your tribunal case is successful in getting her EHCP amended so that it reflects her needs properly, and forcing the LA to allocate her an appropriate school placement.

Imagine how transformative this would be for her and for you, and your family life in general. This is an achievable goal, if you seek the right advice and help. It can be done. I really hope you will pursue this and not give up because the future for your daughter and for you will be orders of magnitude better if you will continue to fight for her and make this happen. I’ve been on my knees doing the same alongside a full time job, sleeping only a couple of hours per day while my daughter was unable to go to school, try to homeschool her and fight the LA during the daytime and having to do my actual job at night, for months on end. It is soul destroying and exhausting, but focus on how much better things will be if you can get her a school placement so she is happy and has a peer group and you then have 30 hours per week of child-free time to rest/ work/ retrain for a new career.

Why have they said it’s unsuitable? On what basis? Are you getting proper advice from a SEND lawyer via legal aid or an advocate who specialises in this area like those I suggested e.g. SOSSEN?

They can’t refuse her a place on that basis.