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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of your child is 5+ and still can’t behave in public, you’re the problem?

187 replies

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 18:52

I understand developmental delays, this isn’t about that. It’s about basic manners not being taught.

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 27/09/2025 19:39

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:27

Just to be clear, no, I didn’t mean I personally know them. I meant when the parent openly laughs off or ignores repeated disruptive behaviour, not when it’s a one-off or part of a bigger picture that strangers can’t see.

I’m not talking about children who are clearly loved and supported, even if they’re having a hard time. I’m talking about kids acting out in public while their carers seem detached, dismissive or openly indulgent of it and that’s not the same.

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So you don't know them, just judging from afar with no knowledge.

Happyjoe · 27/09/2025 19:37

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 27/09/2025 19:05

When you're judging strangers' children, how can you tell which ones have additional needs?

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You talking about the parents or the child here? Ha.

verycloakanddaggers · 27/09/2025 19:35

NewWin · 27/09/2025 18:57

Oh lordy can anyone else be bothered? I can't

I hear you.
Pointless goady nonsense.

FlyingUnicornWings · 27/09/2025 19:34

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:01

Things like screaming for attention, running around in restaurants, hitting siblings in the supermarket while the parents just shrug. Not taking about toddlers or kids with additional needs, just when there’s clearly no structure or follow-through at home.

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Is it someone you know? Or else how do you know there’s no structure and follow through at home?

If it’s the first and there’s no SEN issues, then yeah that’s not good. If the latter, then that’s a whole lot of assumption.

TheAmusedQuail · 27/09/2025 19:33

Have you ever seen a child with ADHD unmedicated AND medicated? Medication doesn't always help, but when it does it is like night and day.

Maybe judge others less.

TheCompactPussycat · 27/09/2025 19:33

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:01

Things like screaming for attention, running around in restaurants, hitting siblings in the supermarket while the parents just shrug. Not taking about toddlers or kids with additional needs, just when there’s clearly no structure or follow-through at home.

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You're very well acquainted with these children, their parents, and their home life so I assume you must be talking about your own children. There is a lot of help out there if you're willing to engage with it.

Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:31

DiscoBob · 27/09/2025 19:25

What do you think a decent, kind and reasonable parent should do as a follow up at home if their usually well behaved five year old has a tantrum in Tesco's?

And why would it be any business of you, a complete stranger what they do behind closed doors?

If a child is usually well-behaved and has a tantrum now and then, that’s not what I’m talking about, all kids have off days. My post was more about when certain behaviours are constant, extreme and clearly never addressed, in public or private.

And yes, I get that strangers don’t know the full picture but public behaviour does shape how we experienced shared spaces, and it’s not unreasonable to reflect on how that plays out sometimes. Doesn’t mean I think every parent needs to be perfect or judged harshly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:27

Whatafustercluck · 27/09/2025 19:20

But the only situation in which it would be 'clear' is if you personally know the children and their parents very well. Is that what you mean?

I have skin in the game I suppose because my 8yo told me to fuck off whilst on a shopping trip recently, much to the disgust of passers by. Until about 5 minutes prior to that, she'd looked and sounded like any other well behaved, polite, courteous 8yo out shopping with their mum.

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Just to be clear, no, I didn’t mean I personally know them. I meant when the parent openly laughs off or ignores repeated disruptive behaviour, not when it’s a one-off or part of a bigger picture that strangers can’t see.

I’m not talking about children who are clearly loved and supported, even if they’re having a hard time. I’m talking about kids acting out in public while their carers seem detached, dismissive or openly indulgent of it and that’s not the same.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 27/09/2025 19:25

What do you think a decent, kind and reasonable parent should do as a follow up at home if their usually well behaved five year old has a tantrum in Tesco's?

And why would it be any business of you, a complete stranger what they do behind closed doors?

seasid · 27/09/2025 19:23

the thing is, you could be making a judgement based on one split second of that family and child. They could be having a bad day and never ‘act up’ in public but you could be making a judgement and thinking that’s their reality. You could make a judgement on their behaviour and the parents could have done everything they could and avoid going in public because they know how the child behaves, but this day could have been unavoidable and the parents being embarrassed on the occasions. There are so many different reasons, Sen, overstimulation etc - but in all honesty judging parents as if you think they WANT their kid to be poorly behaved. Like no parent wants their kid to be like that and when they do misbehave in public it’s so overwhelming and upsetting

Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:21

Fargo79 · 27/09/2025 19:15

How would it be "clear" to you, a stranger, that a child did or did not have additional needs?

I have autistic children with high support needs and we are frequently judged by people like you.

Mind your own business.

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I’m not here to police families like yours, genuinely. That’s exactly why I added caveats around toddlers and children with additional needs.

I’m talking about situations where it’s obvious the adults aren’t even trying to set boundaries - like a child hitting others repeatedly while the parent laughs or ignores it. That’s not the same as struggling despite doing your best. I’m sorry you’ve been judged unfairly, I’m not trying to add to that.

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 27/09/2025 19:20

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:12

That’s exactly why I was careful to say I’m not talking about toddlers or children with additional needs. My post is about situations where it’s clear the child is just left to act out and there’s zero follow-through from the adults, not about hidden diagnoses or snap judgements.

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But the only situation in which it would be 'clear' is if you personally know the children and their parents very well. Is that what you mean?

I have skin in the game I suppose because my 8yo told me to fuck off whilst on a shopping trip recently, much to the disgust of passers by. Until about 5 minutes prior to that, she'd looked and sounded like any other well behaved, polite, courteous 8yo out shopping with their mum.

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 27/09/2025 19:18

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 27/09/2025 19:05

When you're judging strangers' children, how can you tell which ones have additional needs?

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Well I'm currently in a (smart) pub and there are eight kids joining around the garden shouting. They don't all have additional needs.

And yes I am in the pub on a Saturday night by myself on Mumsnet because that's how my holidays roll....

Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:16

Dodgethis · 27/09/2025 19:08

AIBU to think that people who post goady threads like this are unpleasant unhappy people, who enjoy judging others?

That’s not what this is. I raised a topic that clearly resonates with some and bothers others but disagreeing with a point doesn’t mean the person raising it is miserable or goady. Not everything you don’t like is a personal attack.

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 27/09/2025 19:15

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:14

That’s not what this thread is about and I was explicit about not including children with additional needs. It’s entirely possible to talk about inconsistent or passive parenting without it being an attack on neurodiverse children. Jumping to that conclusion shuts down any real discussion.

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How can you tell which is which?

Fargo79 · 27/09/2025 19:15

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:12

That’s exactly why I was careful to say I’m not talking about toddlers or children with additional needs. My post is about situations where it’s clear the child is just left to act out and there’s zero follow-through from the adults, not about hidden diagnoses or snap judgements.

Show quote history

How would it be "clear" to you, a stranger, that a child did or did not have additional needs?

I have autistic children with high support needs and we are frequently judged by people like you.

Mind your own business.

Worriedalltheday · 27/09/2025 19:15

Yanbu, but don’t you know there’s always an excuse for this

usedtobeaylis · 27/09/2025 19:14

You're being unreasonable for the simple facts that a) learning to exist in, navigate and behave in public is an ongoing learning process for children and b) bad days exist, for both parents and children.

You and the endless societal judgement is more of a problem frankly.

Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:14

OhMaria2 · 27/09/2025 19:07

Another boring thread to slag off neurodiverse children on the sly?

That’s not what this thread is about and I was explicit about not including children with additional needs. It’s entirely possible to talk about inconsistent or passive parenting without it being an attack on neurodiverse children. Jumping to that conclusion shuts down any real discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:13

Morningsleepin · 27/09/2025 19:07

Have you ever seen Olympic dressage horses? They are very expensive and highly trained and they still sometimes misbehave.

Sure but if a dressage horse keeps misbehaving, the trainer doesn’t just shrug and say “boys will be boys.” That’s kind of the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:12

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 27/09/2025 19:05

When you're judging strangers' children, how can you tell which ones have additional needs?

Show quote history

That’s exactly why I was careful to say I’m not talking about toddlers or children with additional needs. My post is about situations where it’s clear the child is just left to act out and there’s zero follow-through from the adults, not about hidden diagnoses or snap judgements.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:10

Autumvibes · 27/09/2025 19:04

What do you mean when you say follow through at home?

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I mean things like setting expectations and actually enforcing them. For example, if a parent says “stop doing that or we’re leaving” and the behaviour continues with no consequence, the child learns the words don’t mean much. Follow-through helps kids understand boundaries.

OP posts:
Dodgethis · 27/09/2025 19:08

AIBU to think that people who post goady threads like this are unpleasant unhappy people, who enjoy judging others?

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 27/09/2025 19:08

ThatDeepGoose · 27/09/2025 19:01

Things like screaming for attention, running around in restaurants, hitting siblings in the supermarket while the parents just shrug. Not taking about toddlers or kids with additional needs, just when there’s clearly no structure or follow-through at home.

Show quote history

Oh, how can you tell which children have additional needs, 3 name poster with barely any posting history starting a controversial "To think......." post?

OhMaria2 · 27/09/2025 19:07

Another boring thread to slag off neurodiverse children on the sly?