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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
RisingSunn · 27/09/2025 00:55

My condolences OP. 💐
Your DP's behaviour is unacceptable. He did nothing but make things worse, and all about him, at one of the most painful times of your life.

Very selfish man - get rid.

JohnBullshit · 27/09/2025 00:53

I'm sorry for your loss. 66 is no age. And I'm sorry you're having to face what a self-centred fuckwit your DP is at such a difficult time.

Vaxtable · 27/09/2025 00:53

I am sorry for your loss.

Your husband is a big cry baby and behaving like an appointment child.

I would be extremely angry that he has behaved like this towards you when you have lost your mum. I would be giving it to him with both barrels and leering know just how disrespectful he has been

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2025 00:48

Survivingnotthriving24 · 27/09/2025 00:34

He cannot cope with not being the centre of your attention, is he a dickhead when you're ill too? I suspect he will be - have a good think on whether this is someone you want to be reliant on in old age or if you were to become seriously ill.

You know that there is a known "thing" about men leaving their wives when the wives get cancer? This specimen is one of them.

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I am so sorry for the loss of your mum and I am sorry I didnt say that sooner.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/09/2025 00:39

He’s a jealous little twat.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 27/09/2025 00:34

He cannot cope with not being the centre of your attention, is he a dickhead when you're ill too? I suspect he will be - have a good think on whether this is someone you want to be reliant on in old age or if you were to become seriously ill.

ConstitutionHill · 27/09/2025 00:23

He's the one that dropped the ball! At probably one of the hardest times of your life, he's been a total dick and tried to make it all about him. What a nasty and insecure man. I'd struggle to ever get past that.

MelliC · 27/09/2025 00:13

So sorry you've lost your Mother. It's one of the most devastating things to happen in a life. Yet here he is, making it all about him..

You might want to take this opportunity to think back on previous episodes in your relationships. Does he think it's just your job to support and look after him.and any negative emotion he has with no understanding that you have your own need for support which in this instance are more important than his? Or is it more that he feels very insecure and is threatened by your ex?

I think the latter is regrettable but comes from a place of love for you at least and could be something you overcome together. The former is not something you really want from a long term relationship and I'd be reviewing the whole thing to be honest.

LancashireButterPie · 27/09/2025 00:10

Oh love, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Your DH should be supporting you, not making this about him.
Abusive men know when you are fragile.
As soon as you are strong enough get rid of the prick.

Dearodearo · 27/09/2025 00:07

How very selfish of him.

I'm sorry about your mum. I hope your as okay as you can be. Don't forget what your partner has done and when you have the strength, get rid of him x

Baggyit · 27/09/2025 00:02

What sort of a selfish prick are you with.
Pack a bag and go stay somewhere.
If it is your home, tell him to pack and get out.
How can you look at such a twat.
Stop discussing this.
What a lowlife he is to make your mothets death about him.
Covert narcissistic twat.

APTPT · 27/09/2025 00:00

I'm so sorry about your dear mother.

She would not want this for you.

Kick him out.

Laura95167 · 26/09/2025 23:57

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

You lost your mum suddenly and unexpectedly and he wants a dick measuring competition with your ex?

XH is amicable with you, close to your brother, regularly saw your mum and his children were grieving their grandma of course XH being there was normal

On the day you buried your mum, after losing her unexpectedly your current partner wanted it to be about him. That's who he is! Please DTB

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/09/2025 23:55

YumYa · 26/09/2025 23:31

I always wonder who the 1% are on threads like this? Either nasty or very low bar.

I take the charitable view that they hopefully hit the wrong button and then didnt realise that they can change their vote. Otherwise.....yeah, what you said.

AutumnCosy2025 · 26/09/2025 23:53

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

Basically this!!

I am so sorry about your mum, it must have been such a shock, 66 is no age!

I could write so much about how your DO is acting like such an immature twat & is. Ring so horrible & pathetic. He's let you down so badly. From this distance I'd say it would be the end for me, but in reality I'd probably stay with him while I was feeling so raw (after telling him to stop being so fucking pathetic) but it's only a matter of time before he keeps you down & maybe by then you'll be feeling strong enough to tell him to fuck iff & stay fucked off!

if you feel strong enough to tell him now you'll be doing the right thing!

be as kind to yourself as you can be & get as much love & support as you can from others! 🤗❤️

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/09/2025 23:53

Your "D"P is an insecure pathetic little man who, instead of greeting your ex as an equal with mutual respect, had a tantrum and made your mothers funeral all about him.

He can feel what he likes but the fact that he thinks that he can even voice this at all, nevermind now of all times shows that he is someone you need to get rid off as soon as possible.

Just to say how it can be......my DP helped me to move DD3 back from Uni last summer. Didnt have to, but he did. ExDH couldnt go as his car had a bad breakdown and mine wasnt big enough. When we got back Ex shook DPs hand, thanked him and offered him a beer, DP had the beer and they shifted DD;s stuff into the house together. This was the first time they met.

Nodecaffallowed · 26/09/2025 23:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

socialdilemmawhattodo · 26/09/2025 23:44

GabriellaMontez · 26/09/2025 22:24

So sorry for your loss.

Yanbu. Ive nothing else to say. You shouldn't be burdened with anything else at this time.

^^ this.

SaratogaFilly · 26/09/2025 23:40

DeathStare · 26/09/2025 22:41

So just to summarise, apparently you're terrible because someone else entirely (your DB) allowed their friend into their own home - a home the friend goes to regularly - on a date that your DP wasn't happy with. And so to punish you for this heinous crime your DP has withdrawn support in the wake of your mother's death?

Who the fuck does your DP think he is to decide who your brother is allowed to have in his own home?

Please please tell me you don't live with this man as he's a nasty, controlling prick and the sooner you are rid of him, the better.

This! So sorry for the loss of your mum Op.

CountryMumof4 · 26/09/2025 23:40

First and foremost, I'm so very sorry for your loss. So very hard to lose a parent and your DM was still so young.

Your partner has behaved despicably. He should be supporting you, not letting his selfish insecurities and bullishness take over. Give yourself a few days/weeks to take stock - however long you need. He's shown you who he really is and illustrated just how little he cares. You'll be much better off without him - I honestly don't see how you could ever forgive him for this.

HangingOver · 26/09/2025 23:37

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

Same. What a fucking asshole.

YumYa · 26/09/2025 23:31

I always wonder who the 1% are on threads like this? Either nasty or very low bar.

OneKhakiFish · 26/09/2025 23:31

Instead of supporting you he was busy trying to control others and make the day about him. So sorry for your loss, get rid, hes too controlling and a big man baby

MummaMummaMumma · 26/09/2025 23:29

Only family should be allowed? He is family. He's your children's dad!
You partner acted and is still acting disgustingly bad. He's should have been there to support you and he failed to show up for you. Get rid.

tripleginandtonic · 26/09/2025 23:28

Hope you're going to dump your "dp" OP. No excuses for that behaviour whatsoever and shows how little he cares about you.

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