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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
BirdShedRevisited · 27/09/2025 05:39

As soon as people start saying things like 'you are disrespecting me by.....' in a totally out of context way like this, I lose ALL respect for them.

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft lose this waste of space man.

BirdShedRevisited · 27/09/2025 05:36

Sunflower459 · 26/09/2025 22:47

‘No, you weren’t my priority on the day of my mother’s funeral, and the fact that you expected to be shows me that you’re not a suitable partner for me.’ Does he expect priority over your children, too?

This 100%. What a wanker. Honestly OP, get rid. He is an emotional pygmy.

Desmodici · 27/09/2025 05:14

Agree with all PPs.
I'm so sorry you've lost your mum so suddenly, and that your DP is making it all about him.

I doubt this behaviour has come out of the blue, it's just that you haven't seen it, previously, for what it is, or he's conditioned you to believe that it's always your fault. Have a read up on emotional abuse, and narcissists. I suspect a lot will resonate. Or maybe he's been on best behaviour until now, but now the mask has slipped and you've seen his true colours. How long have you been with DP?

Apart from this instance being unforgivable, I think there will be many, many more to follow. This is the behaviour I'd expect from a narcissistic emotional abuser, and it will only get worse - it's a personality disorder. He's unreasonably jealous, he's controlling, he's punishing you, he's making it all about him, he's blaming you, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability.
They can behave as a normal person initially, in a relationship, and they can do the same if you end it and they want to win you back, or periodically to give you just enough of the good times to make you stay, but they will always revert to type. It's a lost cause.
As others have said, I strongly suggest you end this relationship. It will destroy you.
It already has.

JeffLeppard · 27/09/2025 05:09

My now ExH was an idiot at my mum's funeral, firstly saying he couldn't go because he couldn't get time off work before he'd even told them. Then getting drunk and not supporting me. It was a pattern of behaviour, it was a sudden traumatic death and he was not there to support me emotionally. That was 4 years ago, our relationship slowly went downhill until I was diagnosed with cancer and he moved out and told me never to contact him again and began divorce proceedings. A previous ex died and I was not 'allowed' to attend the funeral despite having maintained contact with the family.

Your partner has chosen the worst possible time to be a complete a hole. The fact that you have to AIBU means you already know but maybe aren't ready to take action. That's fine, no decisions have to be made immediately. Knowing you cannot rely on him to have your back at the worst moments of your life cannot be compensated for in other areas. Even if everything else in your life is perfect, he didn't respect that your ex is the father of your kids and was still involved in your family life. He was jealous and petty and made it about him. This won't be the only time and you are better not having a partner than having one who lets you down this badly.

Iwishthiswasnottrue · 27/09/2025 04:51

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Your "dp" has shown you, that at one of the worst moments of your life, he will not be there for you, indeed he's making it all about him.
This relationship would be over, if it were me.
I am so sorry for your loss xx

Sevenh · 27/09/2025 04:39

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that you are at fault in any way here. You don’t need to defend yourself in any way whatsoever. I would not be able to stay with a man who treated me with such disrespect and obvious lack of compassion. Don’t take a single word of his nonsense, his behaviour is beyond disgusting. You don’t need to say ‘what else could I have done?’ You are 100% in the right.

XWKD · 27/09/2025 04:35

What a vile individual.

CloverPyramid · 27/09/2025 04:16

Even if he wasn’t a close friend of your brother and your ex hadn’t seen your mum in years, your DH would have been unreasonable to kick off. Your exH was close to your mother for many years, and he was there to support his own grieving children.

The fact he was invited by your brother and had an ongoing relationship with your mother means it’s even more reasonable for him to be there.

Woompund · 27/09/2025 03:30

His behaviour to you in the aftermath of the shocking loss of your mum says a huge amount about who he is as a person.
i lost my mum unexpectedly last year at 69 and my DH was working abroad, flying back the day she died. Instead of going home he drove 7 hours to my parents' house to support me overnight, and 5 hours home again the next day, without being asked. That's a decent partner. Your man is a cunt, frankly. I know exactly, exactly where you are right now and the fact that your partner is picking a fight with you is beyond cruel.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please lean on the people who are genuinely there for you.

ETA my XH also came to the funeral 5 hours drive away - this is totally normal behaviour.

petergriffinsdeadfrog · 27/09/2025 03:21

At my Grandad’s funeral my ex (father of my child) was a pall bearer. We’d been split up for years but he had had a great relationship with my grandad so was more than happy to do it. Years later I still feel like it was the right thing to have done. It’s almost 6 years now since ex disappeared from our lives with no explanation. I only know that he’s alive as we receive £29.13 Child Maintenance deducted from him every month. I’m glad that he at least gave my Grandad the respect he deserved. I’m sorry for your loss OP Flowers

FoxAches · 27/09/2025 03:19

LTB. So sorry for your loss.

Shell18celhave · 27/09/2025 03:08

What a dick.
XH was part of the family for 20 years, I presume your kids were present to at the house to before the funeral. To me it's completely normal for him to want to be there at the very least to support his kids. Your P should of gone in the house shook his hand exchanged pleasentries & got on with a very sad day supporting you.

AngelicKaty · 27/09/2025 02:52

Moveoverdarlin · 27/09/2025 00:39

He’s a jealous little twat.

I totally agree. This is really about OP's desperately insecure DP indulging in a willy waving competition with OP's XH and being angry because he feels like he lost. It's pathetic, ego-driven behaviour and utterly disrespectful to OP at such a difficult time for her. I'd want him out of my sight for a very long time, if not forever.

AngelicKaty · 27/09/2025 02:43

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I'm so sorry for you loss OP. YANBU. You have not disrespected your DP and you are not losing your mind. Your DP's behaviour is disgusting and reprehensible. I find it astonishing that he could talk to you about priorities when you've just lost your mum and his only priority should be you - supporting you through your grief in any way he can. Instead he chooses to burden you with a fatuous argument about something you had no control over.
I'm afraid I would tell him to get a wheel-barrow, load his massive ego into it, and fuck right off.

Rachie1973 · 27/09/2025 01:42

Dump him. At a time in your life when all he should be concerned about is you and your feelings he’s making it about him.

He’s showing you what a cockwomble he truly is. Take the hint and lose him!

Karami · 27/09/2025 01:40

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral

I would ditch that despicable POS so fast that he didn't see it coming.

I'm so sorry OP. You have so much to deal with, but do not waste another moment of your precious life with this nasty, insanely selfish man.

LBFseBrom · 27/09/2025 01:39

Neodymium · 26/09/2025 22:17

I hope you aren’t married to him. You just lost your mother and he’s picking a fight with you. That shows you who he really is.

That.

He is immature and insecure, Needymium. His behaviour was appalling. Get rid.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 27/09/2025 01:30

Sorry for your loss
Your partner is being so selfish. He should have been there supporting you and putting your needs 1st. It isn't like you would have been cosying up to the ex. In times like this, tensions should be pushed aside.
If you continue with this relationship, what does he expect to happen when your DC get married, wants a graduation celebration or anything else they want to invite both parents to?
He is being ridiculous and making an awful time even worse for you, what is he thinking

CausalInference · 27/09/2025 01:27

My husband's gran died a couple of years ago and his aunty's ex partner (though they never married they were together for 17 years) drove up from the other end of the country, came to the house in the morning and attended the funeral. Her current husband of 18 years was there too. She didn't even have children with the ex partner. I thought it was really nice actually, the family welcomed the ex partner and were happy to see him. The husband was not at all bothered by his presence, he was there to pay his respects and support the extended family he was part of for 17 years.

Your current partner is being ridiculous, picking a fight about this. She was his children's grandmother, and he is still friendly with your brother, he was there to pay his respects to your mother and support his children and friend, it was none of your current partners business and certainly not your place to exclude him.

Your partner has massively let you down during one of the most difficult times of your life, what a self centred man. I'd find it hard to come back from this.

BellissimoGecko · 27/09/2025 01:17

He’s a selfish, immature fool who has shown that he will put himself above you even in a crisis. Bin him.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 27/09/2025 01:11

I think this is my first LTB.

He’s being awful and insensitive, not to mention maybe it was nice for your kids having their dad there?

Do you live with this man? Do your kids?

Emma6cat · 27/09/2025 01:05

Thank god you are not married to him. Get shut of him, you do not need this. He sounds awful. You lost your mum and he couldn’t be by your side cos he felt uncomfortable, absolute selfish prick.

Girlking · 27/09/2025 01:03

Delphinium20 · 26/09/2025 22:57

Your DP has treated you appallingly. And on the day of your mother’s funeral. That is unforgivable. Unless he’s a truly awful person, your XH should have been there regardless if he’s friends with DB because he is the father of your DC who have just lost their DGM. And he was married to you for 20 years. What happens when your DC get married, graduate, have children of their own? Is XH not allowed to be near them or pissy man baby throws a fit?

get rid. don‘t waste one minute more on this pathetic man

This just about sums in it up ☝🏼 my thoughts exactly …no consideration for your mum R.I.P. 🙏🏼 you, your children, the father of your children, your brother and the rest of your family.
So selfish and disrespectful at this sad time 😔

DreamTheMoors · 27/09/2025 01:00

What everybody else has said.

This was not about him.
He sulked at the VERY WORST TIME and made it all about him.
He let you down at one of the MOST IMPORTANT TIMES in your life.
This does not bode well for your future.
Nobody here can make a decision for you, but we can recommend.
I recommend that you think long and hard about staying in this relationship and consider life being peaceful on your own terms for awhile.
I’m very sorry that you lost your mum at such a tender age - sending love from faraway ❤️

KoalaKoKo · 27/09/2025 00:59

He is a narcissist and abusive, he is manipulating you at a time when you need support, trying to make you chase him and make it all about him. I really think you would be better off without him. I am truly sorry for your loss, it is far too young.

My partners mum was a similar age when she passed, it was a really hard time for all of his family. He had a few counselling sessions and found they helped a lot to process the grief, he wishes he had continued for longer. My best friend’s mum also died in her 60’s after a short illness and she found grief counselling really helpful - the counsellor also helped her to process some of her relationship issues. I can’t imagine dealing with such a big loss and having someone making it all about them. Whatever you do go low contact for a while and concentrate on your own healing.