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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
Kidsgotothatschool · 27/09/2025 07:04

He would be my exDP if he had done that to me.

He has shown himself to be unworthy of you, get rid.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 27/09/2025 07:02

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

Same

BeFastDreamer · 27/09/2025 07:00

Firstly I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Another angle to look at this at, presumably your children were there? They are dealing with the loss of their grandmother and of course should have their mum AND dad there for support. To suggest their dad shouldn’t be there is insane. He sounds like a dick, sorry.

TakeMe2Insanity · 27/09/2025 07:00

Wow he made your mum’s funeral about his feelings. That says so much about him.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Pricelessadvice · 27/09/2025 06:59

So rather than supporting you, he made it all about him and his jealousy?
What a prince.

Please get rid of this disgraceful man.

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Boomer55 · 27/09/2025 06:57

My ex, of 28 years, attended my mums funeral, and always kept in touch with her after our split.

My second husband didn’t have a problem with him attending anything - it felt a but awkward for me, but that’s it.

Funerals are a time to just be dignified, shut up and get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

EsmeWeatherwaxHatpin · 27/09/2025 06:56

Please don’t stay with this man. He’s shown you who he is very clearly. He’s the man who cannot support you and set aside his own insecurity when you need him most. Believe that this is who he really is. The person you see when the chips are down is the one who really matters. You deserve so much better.

I’m so sorry you lost your mum and are now dealing with this as well. Sending love.

Citrusbergamia · 27/09/2025 06:53

ChiliFiend · 26/09/2025 22:51

You will never get a chance to re-do the day of your mother's funeral. No matter what he says now, no matter how contrite he is - he has taken that day from you forever - the day you said goodbye to her. I would never speak to him again.

This^

He has tarnished an already incredibly sad time for you and made it SO much worse with his appalling behaviour. What a horrible, self centred twat. Please extricate yourself from this selfish man child.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. 😔💐

Obviously this is nothing to write home about but i don't think I've ever seen a 100% YANBU vote on AIBU before...that says it all.

whimsicallyprickly · 27/09/2025 06:48

My god. Your current partner is a selfish, self absorbed, unkind fuckwit. Probably a narcissist

You would be much better off without him

Obviously now you need to take some time for you. To start grieving. To look after yourself and pamper you.

Can you ask your current partner to move out for a few months to give you time to think? Does your home belong to him/you/both?

MinnieMountain · 27/09/2025 06:43

I’m so sorry OP. My DM died suddenly aged 69. I was an absolute mess. Anything less than fully supporting you is completely unacceptable.

Get rid of him and make it very clear why.

Middlemarch123 · 27/09/2025 06:42

Bless you OP. You’re right in the middle of grieving for your lovely mum. It sounds like she had a loving daughter who deserves the best.

The best is of course binning your partner. You’re close to your Ex DH, and your DB sounds great, so I’m sure you’ll all lean on each other. DP has shown you his true colours. I always try to see both sides, but can’t here. He’s behaved shamelessly. There’s no excuse. You deserve better. X

Tablesandchairs23 · 27/09/2025 06:39

He's a selfish prick. He should ve supporting you. He's shown you hes a selfish twat. I'm sorry for your loss.

Notquitethetruth · 27/09/2025 06:33

This cannot be the first time this person has shown you he is but it would certainly be the last for me.
He has put his own selfishness first. His feelings before your Mum and how she must have suffered, before your shock and grief, before the shock and grief of your children, before the shock and grief of your DB. He's ignoring the long relationship your Ex had with your mother, the emotional support he can offer to you BD and his children. Your ex had every right to be there as a friend of your Mum.
His outburst has shown he does not respect or care about you. He has made a deeply emotional and no doubt traumatic time all about him. How dare he!! He has crossed a line and shown you who he is. Your last memories of your lovely Mum are tainted because of a deeply selfish bastard. At a time he should have been 100% there for you, he failed.

Owly11 · 27/09/2025 06:33

What a fucking selfish prick. He thinks everything is about him, even the death of your DM. I don’t say this lightly but you need to put a rocket up his arse - if he cannot see sense it may be time to get rid.

Evaka · 27/09/2025 06:33

So sorry for your loss. Agree this would be the end of the road for he. He's a nutter.

Pigeonpoodle · 27/09/2025 06:30

I’m sorry for your loss and my condolences to you at this difficult time.

Your DH is being an utterly selfish wanker.

im pleased there is a unanimous 100% vote for YANBU with over 1000 votes… Rare as there’s usually at least a few contrary voters however clear cut the issue is.

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/09/2025 06:28

Your XH had a perfectly good reason to be at the house. As father to your DC he would have been supporting the DC through the last journey of their beloved grandmother, and also offering support to his good friend your DB. If you'd had an acrimonious split then I could understand you may have reservations, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

Your partner is making this all about himself and his insecurities when he should have been supporting you. I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship if he can't be there for you during one of the toughest times of your life.

Sorry for your loss OP.

JustMyView13 · 27/09/2025 06:22

Your DP is a petulant child. I always say when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I think his behaviour is unforgivable. I know it’s easy for us to type LTB but his behaviour is totally out of line. He felt uncomfortable because he’s jealous of your ExH still being welcome into the family by your DB. The funeral wasn’t for DP, a real man would’ve swallowed his pride, supported you, and said nothing.

Anyway, I’m so sorry for the loss of your DM. To lose someone young, suddenly and unexpectedly is such a horrible shock to try to come to terms with. Be kind to yourself, and don’t take shit from people like DP x

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 27/09/2025 06:21

He isnt your "d"p.
Hes an utter fucking cunt.
You need to be shot of him immediately. I would honestly never speak to someone again who did this.
So sorry you are dealing with this whilst grieving x

Mapletree1985 · 27/09/2025 06:05

This kind of insecure man panics and gets nasty and aggressively controlling the moment he thinks something might be more important to you than him. He's furiously angry that your mother's unexpected death is taking your attention away from him, and he's fixed on the presence of your ex as something he can "justifiably" be angry about - obviously his anger is completely unreasonable, but critical thinking is not a strong point for these men when they're feeling threatened. I don't say this to excuse him in any way: he's acting like the worst kind of selfish dick because that, fundamentally, is what he is.

PurpleThistle7 · 27/09/2025 05:48

This is so wrong for many reasons and I’m so terribly sorry for your double loss here. I don’t think there’s any way back from this and I’d be incredibly worried about maintaining a relationship with this man. Your children’s’ father is and will always be family and it’s wonderful that you are both putting your children first. Your partner is an insecure bully.

frozendaisy · 27/09/2025 05:47

Making this whole situation about him

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft really honestly I would pay another second trying to accommodate DP or his feelings I would say
“that would have been so much easier without you there, which to me says it all really”.

and then ask him to go

dunBle · 27/09/2025 05:44

"My mother has just died, my children have just lost their grandmother, so no, massaging your fragile ego is not a priority right now".

What an absolute arsehole. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with him acting like this on top of your own and your family's grief.

NewAgeNewMe · 27/09/2025 05:42

First condolences on the death of your mum.

Second at least you aren’t married to your twat of a partner, please get rid of him and don’t allow him to think that his behaviour is reasonable or ‘your fault’ for ‘disrespecting’ him.

He disrespects you and all your family by his disgusting behaviour.

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