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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
Fernticket · 27/09/2025 07:45

BirdShedRevisited · 27/09/2025 05:36

This 100%. What a wanker. Honestly OP, get rid. He is an emotional pygmy.

Show quote history

This. OP please get rid for the sake of you and your family, including your DB.
PS. Love the phrase 'emotional pygmy '.

aWeeCornishPastie · 27/09/2025 07:42

Please dump this man child. He ruined your mother’s funeral and made it about him. Unforgivable in my book

Sevenamcoffee · 27/09/2025 07:38

Fucking he’ll, that’s absolutely shocking behaviour from the partner. I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

LoudSnoringDog · 27/09/2025 07:38

What a twat

Ginmonkeyagain · 27/09/2025 07:36

You DP is being a massively immature cock. Your ex is quite within his rights to pay his respects to a woman who was in his life for many years and was the grandmother of his children.

In fact he is displaying decent and mature behaviour, unlike your current partner.

IVbumble · 27/09/2025 07:35

This man does not love you - he is showing you this by his actions.

What he does love is making you miserable - it's his life work.

If you stay with him he will make every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentines day etc miserable for you.

FourCatMama · 27/09/2025 07:28

What about when your children have sports/academic activities, weddings, christenings of grandchildren???? Will he expect you to tell ex not to come? You are co-parenting either your ex. He needs to suck it up. Really you do and get rid of him!!!

I'm so sorry about your mama. I lost mine seven years ago and still miss her on a daily basis.

Thegreyhound · 27/09/2025 07:27

BessieSurtees · 27/09/2025 07:22

Of course he's not the priority why should he be. Do not get used to being treated like this. How long have you been with this man?

For context when my DM died my ex DH came to her funeral and my current DH asked him if he wanted to stay over at ours as he had driven a long way. OK maybe a bit extreme but the point being this is about you and your needs not his.

This is how it should be- everyone in support of the person who has lost a loved one.

whimsicallyprickly · 27/09/2025 07:27

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Really? THATS your answer? Let's pander to the narcissist partner? Sort yourself out 🙄

ClassActlaptop · 27/09/2025 07:26

What an absolute prick

Zanatdy · 27/09/2025 07:26

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him and not sure I could move on from that.

Citrusbergamia · 27/09/2025 07:26

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Utter rubbish.

If DP felt uncomfortable then he just sucks it up for a few bloody hours; he doesn't get to vocalise how HE feels on such a sad day for the OP. And OP's DB can 'invite' who the hell he wants into his own home!

Thegreyhound · 27/09/2025 07:26

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Your DH is an absolute bastard.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.

BessieSurtees · 27/09/2025 07:24

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Raise your bar @PirateDays

BessieSurtees · 27/09/2025 07:22

Of course he's not the priority why should he be. Do not get used to being treated like this. How long have you been with this man?

For context when my DM died my ex DH came to her funeral and my current DH asked him if he wanted to stay over at ours as he had driven a long way. OK maybe a bit extreme but the point being this is about you and your needs not his.

Peteryourhorseisheree · 27/09/2025 07:19

He was “made to feel uncomfortable”?

You were burying your mum after a sudden loss. That’s about as fucking uncomfortable as life can get, and he throws a strop so you have to placate him on that day?

I’d be full of rage at him and it would make me re think the relationship. What a baby.

MasterMind1982 · 27/09/2025 07:18

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Wtaf!!!! The DB can do what he wants!! The ex was family for 20 years and remained close to his MIL. I remember my dad’s and my Nan’s relationship they were like mother and son not mother in law and son in law.

He is close family.

Madformaltesers · 27/09/2025 07:18

Wow absolutely get rid, this is so wrong
At my father in laws recent funeral there were 2 ex daughter in laws there, its called showing respect

sorry for your loss

MasterMind1982 · 27/09/2025 07:16

Im so sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft. Your instinct is right. You did nothing wrong, he was more than disrespectful he was downright cruel to not support you and to make it about him. I could not be with a man who could not show up for me when I needed it.

I imagine if you look over your relationship this won’t be the first time he has behaved like this? As in he must be a pretty insecure man.

You deserve better, especially at this time in your life when you are in the depths of grief.

sending strength to you- I like others could not be with a man like this.

Darkdiamond · 27/09/2025 07:16

The relationship would be over for me. There would be no coming back. Your partner has the capability and capacity for a profound level of selfishness and this lack of care for you will rear it's head again in your relationship. The damage would be already done if I were you, though.

bakebeans · 27/09/2025 07:15

You need to lay down the boundaries now or tell him to get gone.
he is out of order.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 27/09/2025 07:14

‘He’s not a priority’ damn right he fucking isn’t. YOU were. How did he make this about him?!

He the fuck behaves like this at a funeral?

topcat2014 · 27/09/2025 07:12

What a 🔔 end

UnsureAtTimes · 27/09/2025 07:09

I was in a very similar situation to you and I broke up the relationship 2 months after.
It was very hard and you have my every sympathy.
Your DP is not being supportive when he should be. He’s making it about him. I don’t know what to suggest but you did nothing wrong. Sending hugs. It’s is very lonely losing a mum unexpectedly and then having relationship troubles.

Lostworlds · 27/09/2025 07:05

I’m so sorry for your loss!

Your dp is ridiculous! he should be there supporting you no matter who is around. Your ex dh was there to support his family, your children would have been grateful he was around too as well as your brother.

I think I would find this really hard to forgive and forget if I’m honest and would make me really consider ending the relationship with your dp. He acted immaturely and tried to make the day about his emotions.