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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
Flakey99 · 27/09/2025 09:38

I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be feeling very overwhelmed by everything at the moment.

If your DP was a good man, he’d have said nothing about how HE FEELS, and would have put all his energy into supporting you but as it is, he’s made it all about himself and expecting you to pander to him.

My ex did something similar when my mum died as I discovered he’d been having an affair with a woman at work whilst I’d been driving up and down the motorway to visit my DM in hospital whilst she was dying.

Thankfully, my rage took over and I kicked him out and later got him to sign papers to allow me to take over the mortgage.

You’re probably feeling too overwhelmed to deal with this just now, but when things have settled a bit, you need to get rid of him. He has badly let you down when you needed him the most and you must not ever forget or forgive him for that. You deserve so much more. xx

Parky04 · 27/09/2025 09:35

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Don't you mean ex partner! What a complete knob he is.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 27/09/2025 09:30

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

thank heaven's for that. Get rid!
So sorry for your loss.

LooLoo274 · 27/09/2025 09:29

I don't think I could forgive this, he should have been supporting you on a really difficult day and caused you more stress instead. Sorry for your loss.

thereneverwasacloudyday · 27/09/2025 09:26

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

I would be so very done with him.

Partners are supposed to be supportive and helpful in times of crisis.
Partners are supposed to be secure in their relationships.
He is none of these things.

SalamiSammich · 27/09/2025 09:25

Over 1000 votes and its 100% yanbu.

I hope you realise how significant that is OP. It never happens, not even on the ones where it should.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2025 09:24

ClutchingPearlz · 27/09/2025 09:15

For the sake of opening up the debate I can kind of understand why he might have felt pushed out. Your mum's passing wasn't the time to raise it but your ex husband does seem quite embedded into your wider family and that must be difficult for your partner. I mean I can understand your ex husband having a friendly co parenting relationship with you, but if people here were being really honest (which they are not) and this was the other way round they'd all find it a bit weird for an ex wife to constantly be round their boyfriends mums house all the time and wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

Being completely honest, that’s not the case here. My exH attends some of my family event (eg my niece’s wedding - he’s still their uncle as far as she’s concerned) and nobody throws a tantrum, including my DP - or me for that matter. Because we aren’t children.

jessycake · 27/09/2025 09:23

One of the worst days of your life and he made it all about him .

ClutchingPearlz · 27/09/2025 09:15

For the sake of opening up the debate I can kind of understand why he might have felt pushed out. Your mum's passing wasn't the time to raise it but your ex husband does seem quite embedded into your wider family and that must be difficult for your partner. I mean I can understand your ex husband having a friendly co parenting relationship with you, but if people here were being really honest (which they are not) and this was the other way round they'd all find it a bit weird for an ex wife to constantly be round their boyfriends mums house all the time and wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

MrsCarson · 27/09/2025 09:10

Wow what a Prince, making the loss of your mother all about himself.
This one is for the bin. You can do better.

Bigsigh24 · 27/09/2025 09:08

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

You won’t recovered from this selfish attitude and response to a time when you needed support and he's acted in such a knobish way, it’s not about him and it’s unforgivable behaviour , cut ties, spend time grieving the loss of your DM and prioritise yourself x

Butchyrestingface · 27/09/2025 09:07

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Excellent. Do you have any joint assets (house, renting together, etc)?

Murfmeister · 27/09/2025 09:03

I'm sorry for your loss.

He has behaved appallingly and shown you who he is. Be grateful you are not married. Easier to leave the twat.

My dad came to my mum's funeral even though they had been divorced for many years. My step-dad didn't batt and eyelid. My ex husband came to my grandfather's funeral because they liked eachother and he wanted to pay his respects. That's how grown ups act, not throwing a tantrum and making it about themselves when you are at your most vulnerable.

Look after yourself x

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 27/09/2025 09:00

Sorry for your loss. Please show him this thread. You are not responsible for his insecurities and he has behaved appallingly. Has he apologised? If not then I would probably be rethinking nyhe relationship as he has shown his true colours.

Tolkienwasright · 27/09/2025 08:58

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please have a look at the Bereavement thread on here - it’s a kind and supportive thread. As to your Partner, I have no words. He has behaved appallingly at one of the hardest times of your life. This is a time for you, your thoughts and feelings. He has turned it around to be about him which is unforgivable.

Fedupwithnamechanging · 27/09/2025 08:51

It's not really about your ex - he's making it all about him as he feels he's obviously not your full focus when you're grieving your dear mum. He's a selfish puerile man at a time when you need his full support. He's shown his true colours so you need to think about whether he's worth keeping around.

FamingolosForDays · 27/09/2025 08:44

It's perfectly ok for him to feel a bit awkward.
It is NOT ok to tear strips off you, or even raise it at all in the wake of your loss.

My BIL's ex partner attended the funeral of both PIL. They hadn't been together for 20 years nor are they remotely civil. They have a child together. On both occasions everyone in family greeted her like the person she is- DNs mother. DN lost both his grandparents and she wanted to pay her respects, no-one questioned why she was there! BIL thanked her for attending both times.

Im sorry for your loss and I along with everyone else would absolutely throw this one back in the sea. Big hugs. I hope your children are ok xx

sunshine244 · 27/09/2025 08:42

This is the first time I've seen a 100% vote on MN.

Yanbu, and I'm sorry your oh has done this.

The turning point for my abusive marriage was when one of my parents died and my ex made it all about himself. He moaned about missing work, argued with a relative, and ignored my upset. I asked for a divorce a few months later.

Onlycoffee · 27/09/2025 08:35

Your X is also your DCs / dm's grandchildren's father, so he is still family.

So sorry for your loss. When we lost fil my sil's X attended the house snd travelled in the family car to support my niece and nephews.

Pomegranatecarnage · 27/09/2025 08:32

He’s made everything about him. It’s totally normal for an ex to retain a relationship with former in-laws. I am very sorry about your Mum. Your DP has shown his true colours.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/09/2025 08:32

Your partner is making your mum’s death about him. How dare he?!!! I’d be dumping him over this.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/09/2025 08:32

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

I agre!!
@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft tell him to leave if you can .
Is he your husband or partner ?

JoBrandsCleaner · 27/09/2025 08:31

Oh I’d just get rid of him. Jealous people are tedious at the best of times never mind this. You’ve just lost your mum and he hasn’t thought even for a minute how you are, it’s still all about him.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 27/09/2025 08:28

I'm sorry for your loss. 66 is no age at all these days.
Your partner should have put his feelings aside and been by your side for the day. Whether he agreed with things or not. It sounds as though he was there primarily as your brother's friend. It's certainly your brother's choice to have whomever he wishes in his home!
This could well be the thing that defines the rest of your relationship. Any small arguments may well be dragged back to 'and you didn't even ...' about your ex being in your mum's home before the funeral.
Once things aren't so raw, I'd be thinking hard about this partner.

OhNoNotSusan · 27/09/2025 08:26

i am so sorry for your loss op @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft
and also sad for the reaction of your so called partner, making it about himself - that is awful

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