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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
EdithBond · 27/09/2025 11:02

Must be so tough losing your mum at such a relatively young age.

Also, for your kids to lose their grandma.

Remaining friends with your children’s other parent, and them remaining part of the extended family, should be a priority if safe and healthy to do so, though of course not everyone can do it for various reasons.

A loving partner should respect and support that and be there for their DP when they’ve lost a parent and their kids have lost a grandparent.

Focus on what’s best for you and your kids. Surround yourself with people who are respectful, loving, kind and supportive in response to your grief. Avoid those who aren’t. Allow yourself time to grieve.

All the best ❤️

ClutchingPearlz · 27/09/2025 10:59

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2025 09:24

Being completely honest, that’s not the case here. My exH attends some of my family event (eg my niece’s wedding - he’s still their uncle as far as she’s concerned) and nobody throws a tantrum, including my DP - or me for that matter. Because we aren’t children.

Show quote history

I hear you but in this particular case, I just wonder does the ex husband really need to be in Ops mums house all the time. He doesn’t seem to have moved on.

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2025 10:58

What an utter prick. Imagine making this about him?

Please see this as the wake up it is and dump him.

ShodAndShadySenators · 27/09/2025 10:57

Poor you OP, I'm so sorry that your partner is being so despicable just when he needed to step up and be supportive to you. I hope you find the strength to end this relationship and get rid of this horrible, self-centred man. You and your family do not need him in your lives. He has shown you what a selfish and cruel man he is underneath.

I'm sorry about your mum, it sounds like it's been a terrible shock as well. Flowers

Ivelostmyglasses · 27/09/2025 10:56

What will happen when your children marry, have significant birthdays, children etc.? What does your new partner expect that future to look like for you? Is your previous partner a danger to your family?
If not, your new partner is a controlling partner who does not care at all for what is best for you, or your children.
so sorry you have lost your Mum, don't think grief is clouding your judgement on this though.

ERthree · 27/09/2025 10:48

Please get rid of him now, don't waste another say of your life with him. He has shown you who he is, don't make excuses for his vile behaviour.

Allisnotlost1 · 27/09/2025 10:44

I’m sorry for your loss OP. My circs were slightly different but when my DM died suddenly (also 66) my DP made things harder not easier. I couldn’t forgive him. it wasn’t the first time he’d made my difficulties harder, I’m sure that’s the same for you too.

Radionowhere · 27/09/2025 10:41

Wow, he really wants to make it all about himself. Abhorrent behaviour imo.

Member984815 · 27/09/2025 10:37

Sorry for your loss .In the midst of your grieving your dp decided to make a non issue a big deal. I'd be rethinking the relationship. Your ex had every right to be there to support his children and his friend and even you . He knew your mother a long time and i am sure he will miss her too. Your partner didn't step up to support you when you needed him . What age are your children? Your ex will likely be in your life for sometime, you share children.

Cyclingmummy1 · 27/09/2025 10:37

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your DH is behaving abominably.

StewkeyBlue · 27/09/2025 10:27

How long have you been with this man, OP?

J3001 · 27/09/2025 10:25

Would be my ex partner now if he cannot stand by you at this awful time

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/09/2025 10:23

Your XH is family, he's the biological father of your DM's grandchildren. He is also a close friend of your brother, who lives in the house. Your partner is self-absorbed and disrespectful to you, that he couldn't prioritise your comfort over his own. Are you surprised that he hasn't supported you at a very distressing time or is this typical of him?

MaurineWayBack · 27/09/2025 10:19

My word @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I do t think I’ve read some thing as awful as that for a while. Your head must be spinning whikst your heart is broken (and breaking).

Im really sorry you’ve just lost your mum. That must have been a real shock. 💐💐

Your DP attitude has been despicable. Hes just berated you instead of supporting you. Made the day about himself rather than you. As other posyers, I dint think it’s forgivable.

However, I also think just now, you dint have to make big decisions UNLESS you want to.
Just dint forget the hurt he created. And your anger.

Rosecoffeecup · 27/09/2025 10:19

Unforgiveable IMO. Selfish, self abrosrbed behaviour and he has clearly given no thought to you and your feelings, only his own

I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship

Driftingawaynow · 27/09/2025 10:15

MrsLeonFarrell · 27/09/2025 10:11

If it were me I'd see it like this; my Mums final gift to me is showing who my partner really was. I would then end the relationship. Life is hard and we need people we can rely on.

Came here to say the same thing

nomas · 27/09/2025 10:15

He is a grief vulture who has made this distressing time about him and has used this as an excuse to tear strips off you and make you feel worse.

If he is such a big man, why doesn’t he speak to your brother instead of harassing you at our lowest? Because he’s a coward.

Use this opportunity to tell him to leave (I hope you’re in your own home).

MrsLeonFarrell · 27/09/2025 10:11

If it were me I'd see it like this; my Mums final gift to me is showing who my partner really was. I would then end the relationship. Life is hard and we need people we can rely on.

Cosyblankets · 27/09/2025 10:11

That would be it for me.
I've lost my mum and could barely function when it happened.
It's not the time for jealousy

Shakirasma · 27/09/2025 10:09

You call him you your partner, which is interesting.

Partners work together, they are united as a team. They work together support each other. One holds up the other when they cant hold themself. They are each other's rock and anchor.

This man's behaviour is abhorrent. Just when you really need your "partner", he has not only failed to fulfil his duty, he has deliberately made a difficult time even harder. That's cruel.

If he cant be there for you at a time like this then he's worse than useless, he's a burden. I'd advise you to get rid.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/09/2025 10:00

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

OP's ex-DH is more part of the family than OP's current partner. He is the father of OP's mum's grandchildren as well as being a really close friend of OP's brother.

I can't believe that you are defending OP's childish and sulky DP. His behaviour towards his grieving partner is unforgivable. He is adding to her pain at this awful time for her. I hope she gets rid of him soon.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/09/2025 10:00

I’m so sorry op. She was so young, 66 is no age. It’s really sad your partner is an immature twat. Making it all about him when he should be supporting you. It’s none of his business what your ex did re visiting etc, he should have been focused on making sure you are ok. I’d park it for now if possible and just focus on getting though the next few days/weeks. A serious chat is required I think, or just dump him(!), but now maybe isn’t the time for knee jerk responses, take some time. Take care.

StewkeyBlue · 27/09/2025 09:59

So sorry you lost your Mum OP, what a shock and how very sad.

Your DP is obviously in the wrong and is an unkind controlling bully.

Your XH is your Mum’s grandchildren’s Dad. Family for 20 years. And as your DC’s Dad will ALWAYS be in your life in some way, shape or form.

So if your DP is too insecure to cope with this he needs to be gone.

How many other events does he want your XH banned from? Kids school events, graduations, weddings?

Real men conduct themselves with dignity and confidence even in situations which test their comfort.

They don’t turn on the woman and blame her when she is at her most vulnerable.

DramaQueenlady · 27/09/2025 09:48

Oh god so sorry for your loss. Tell partner to take a flying fuck to himself! If it's your house also tell him to leave for a few days till you get yourself together ❤️

PinkiOcelot · 27/09/2025 09:47

Tell him to fuck off. What an absolute arse hole.

News flash - this is not about him.

That’s massive red flag 🚩. If he felt like that (which he shouldn’t) he should have kept it to himself. Deal breaker!!