DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

Bin him off darling, you can do so much better.

Sorry for your loss, 66 is no age at all.

Your partner sounds very childish and self-centred. I find myself imagining him expecting to be the centre of your attention all the time - and obviously your mother's funeral was the centre of your attention, so he had a childish tantrum. If it hadn't been about your ExH being there (and he should have been!), it would have been about something else, because it's all about him making himself the centre of your attention.

I can but hope this shocking incident has made the scales fall from your eyes regarding this awful man. He has vividly shown you who he is, and who he is is a total prick. He will always be like this, will always expect you to constantly stroke his massive ego. He clearly will never support you in times of need - and your mother's death and funeral is a massive time of need. All his whinging about you disrespecting him when he has just massively disrespected you, your mother, your entire family. He's an absolute prick.

I can only hope that, seeing who he actually is and that he will never support you, you extricate yourself from this relationship, because it will hollow you out if you stay with him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He's shown his true colours. I don't think I could ever forgive him for not only not supporting you but actively attacking you when you most needed support.

My ex boyfriend (yes I know not quite the same) who I hadn't seen for 20 years came to my DM's funeral. He used to visit her a lot. I thought it was a lovely gesture of him to attend.

Your "P" is being awful, this is about your grief and not his "toddler tantrum"

I would be seriously questioning my future with him

Edited to add my DH didn't have a problem with this

This is the 1st thread I’ve ever seen where 100% of people are saying YANBU.

Your partner made the pre-funeral arrangements about his needs, not yours. He is now trying to sideline your grief with his neediness. Is he selfish in other ways too?

Well thank goodness he's not your husband, because he's an absolute dickhead. He's shown his true colours by making your mother's funeral all about him, instead of supporting you when you are newly bereaved.

I'm sorry for your loss.

OP he is absolute SCUM! He put his insecurity, ego and need for control over your needs and the needs of your brother, the needs of your children and your family. If this were me, there would be no coming back from this. How dare he act like this, to your and your children, when you needed him the most? He is absolute scum. I'd walk away from him and never look back. That's it, he's done his dash. You're a doormat if you don't, and letting your children and brother down.

Your partner sounds like a selfish, childish prat who couldn’t just grow up and be there for you at the most difficult of times. That would be the end of things for me.

I am sorry for your loss, OP. Another saying you need to get rid of this vile specimen.

Your boyfriend disrespected you at a time when he should have been supporting you and not making it about him.

He can't make you erase 20+ years of life and your children's family relationships to make him feel special.

Where does OP say that he's there "all the time"? You seem to be making up a story that doesn't exist. What makes you think he hasn't moved on?

Maybe after 20 years of marriage, people felt that he actually belonged there, more so than the recent boyfriend.

That would be a dealbreaker for me on so many levels. He picked a fight when you had just lost your mum, his insecurity is off the scale and going forward (which I'm hoping you don't with him), he is making it clear that your refreshingly amicable relationship with your ex does not work for him. What about future occasions where hour ex will presumably be in the mix - DCs birthdays, graduations, etc - do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying not upset this insecure immature man-child, or risk damaging the relationship that you have with your ex just to pacify him? It's not often that the poll results are as conclusive as this one.

On a day that you needed support, he threw a tantrum and made it all about him. That was hugely disrespectful to you.

You need a serious talk with him about why he behaved like that. If it is insecurity then he needs to grow up. You are with him not XH.

He may not be the one for you though, if this is how he behaves. If you and XH get on, then he will always be at family events with your DC, special birthdays, graduations, weddings etc. Is your DP going to behave like this every time and ruin it for you?

I’m so sorry for your loss - I would lean on your relationship with your family like your brother and kids for now and when you’ve somewhat recovered think long and hard about if DP is someone you can trust as a lifetime partner. It seems clear he is incapable of putting your needs first at a horrific time - I’m imagining that also reflected who he is other times.

Your ‘D’P is quite possibly the most pathetic streak of piss I’ve ever heard of OP. Get rid, he’s truly awful. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum

@ClutchingPearlz

I take it you have missed the part where OP said that her ex is a good friend of her DB? Ex H was also there to support his friend.

Oh my gosh. What an utterly awful person. I am so sorry for your loss. Please be very calm and firm with him - either he apologises profusely and supports you, and acts like a grown up about your very healthy dynamic with XH, or he can do one.

I am sorry for your loss x

When you are vulnerable you need to know that, even if your partner doesn't actually 'step up' the way they should, that they will not make it all about them & take the opportunity to 'put the boot in'. If so then you are better with no partner.

I know as my exH behaviour gradually worsened until he was acting out on every occasion, to make it all about him (inc when his son was in heart failure & his other ASD child needed support as I was in A&E with the one who was ill)

I would take the time you need to grieve for your Mother (maybe get some support - Cruse where very helpful when my Mother died a complicated death).
Then I would consider whether it is worth keeping your partner in your life x

I have never advised someone to leave their partner but on this occasion I would. He is a horrible person who only cares about himself. If you can't rely on someone to support you in such a dark moment, you can't rely on them at all.

I really hope you’ve binned him @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft. Of all the times when you need support and kindness he’s made it all about him. What a nasty piece of work he is.

So so sorry about your Mum OP.
Your DP is a shitbag.

So sorry for your loss OP 💐 please take care of yourself and your children

if your mum was only 66 and you were with your ex for 20 years you cannot have been with you current partner for very long, I really hope that this makes you reconsider if you can continue the relationship.

Your ex, aside from being your brothers friend, had been your mothers son in law for 20 years and is her grandchildren’s father, he had every right to be there supporting the family.

Your current partner has behaved appallingly, it’s was classic control tactics to make it all about him.
you didn’t beg him hard enough to come into the house
you didn’t spend the day gently stroking his ego and making sure he was looked after and wasn’t uncomfortable
you didn’t prioritise his feelings and the need to be center of attention

Of course you didn’t, on the most distressing day of you life he behaved like and absolute shite and should be tossed out with the rest of the rubbish.

Sorry for your loss. Just another adding to the chorus of get rid of the immature fuckwit when you are up to it.

Oh OP, how utterly dreadful for you. Losing your lovely DM is a massive and heartbreaking life event where you needed his support and he made it about him. When you’re thinking more clearly I hope you realise that you deserve better. No loving partner would behave like this, it will not be an isolated incident.