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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
Ocelotfeet27 · 26/09/2025 22:26

He's a selfish ignorant twat. Tell him maybe he should just go and sit out in the car all night if that's what he thinks is fine to do to you on the day of your mother's funeral. Better yet, stay there forever.

Have a word with him and ask him about if the situation were reversed how he'd feel about you not coming in ahead of his mother's funeral, for whatever reason. If he remains unable to show empathy I'd separate, at least temporarily. Life is too short to put up with selfish people.

PollyBell · 26/09/2025 22:26

What ball? You married a moron can you not see that?

GabriellaMontez · 26/09/2025 22:24

So sorry for your loss.

Yanbu. Ive nothing else to say. You shouldn't be burdened with anything else at this time.

saraclara · 26/09/2025 22:23

I honestly think this would be relationship ending for me. How long have you been with him @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft ? Has he shown sounds of jealousy before?

MyFortieth · 26/09/2025 22:23

Some time after my friend got divorced I asked where when she realised.

She said when her brother died, and he made her go into work and not let her go to her family. Then he sulked all the time he was at the deceased man’s house and funeral, making it about him.

You’ll never forgive or forget this. The word “disrespect” will be etched on your soul, as a reminder of how much of an absolute tool a person can be.

I’m so sorry about your mother.

cygnusgenie · 26/09/2025 22:22

What the fuck. You are married to a man child. Of course your ex DH should be allowed to pay respects to someone who was in his life for years. My ex MIL and later my FIL died while I was in my current relationship. I went to both funerals. I would have been so angry but also disappointed if my now DH did not understand why this was important fur me to do.

saraclara · 26/09/2025 22:21

His behaviour is appalling. He acted like a spoiled brat instead of suporting you at the worst of times.

Your brother behaved perfectly, and very kindly. Your ex was your mother's son in law for two decades and I'm assuming that they were fond of each other. It was a kind gesture to invite him and I'm sure your DM would have approved.

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

LuckyShark · 26/09/2025 22:21

DH is being a dick
It's not about him
I assume he has known throughout your marriage that XH has been still involved with your family.

You are feeling with loss and need his support not to pander to his unreasonable neediness.

Id probably let this pass for now as it's something you don't need to focus on at the minute, but I would not let it lie forever

Im really really sorry for your loss

rubyslippers · 26/09/2025 22:18

your partner is being ridiculous
you have an amicable relationship with your ex who paid his respects to his ex mil and his children’s grandmother
why is your partner making it about him and not supporting you
I am sorry for your loss

Jsokev · 26/09/2025 22:17

Jesus what a twat he's being. He's making it all about him. So selfish and unsupportive. He should be supporting you not draining you at this time. I'm really sorry for the loss of your mum.

Neodymium · 26/09/2025 22:17

I hope you aren’t married to him. You just lost your mother and he’s picking a fight with you. That shows you who he really is.