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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
BeHappySloth · 26/09/2025 22:43

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your partner should be supporting you and not piling on more stress. This time should be about honouring your mum, supporting your siblings and prioritising your own needs, and you shouldn't have to worry about your partner's ego or his petty jealousies.

Take care of yourself. The world won't make much sense at all at the moment. Surround yourself with people who genuinely want to help.

BreadInCaptivity · 26/09/2025 22:43

Your other half needs cutting from your life to make you whole again.

DoYouReally · 26/09/2025 22:42

DP is an absolute asshole.

His children's grandmother died. It would have been very poor form for him not to attend.

I'm sorry you are being subjected to this crap, at what is a difficult enough time with your DP adding to it.

DeathStare · 26/09/2025 22:41

So just to summarise, apparently you're terrible because someone else entirely (your DB) allowed their friend into their own home - a home the friend goes to regularly - on a date that your DP wasn't happy with. And so to punish you for this heinous crime your DP has withdrawn support in the wake of your mother's death?

Who the fuck does your DP think he is to decide who your brother is allowed to have in his own home?

Please please tell me you don't live with this man as he's a nasty, controlling prick and the sooner you are rid of him, the better.

Praying4Peace · 26/09/2025 22:41

Sassylovesbooks · 26/09/2025 22:26

Your brother lived with your Mum, and is still friends with your ex. He invited your ex to the house and funeral, therefore you had no right to throw your ex out of the house your brother is living in. Your ex clearly has known your Mum for a long time, if you were together 20 years, and has kept in touch via your brother. If your husband felt uncomfortable, then that was all his own doing. He could have chosen to ignore the fact your ex was there, and support you. But no, he chose to behave like a total knob instead. To be throwing all this at you now is awful and he should be ashamed of himself.

This
As much as I appreciate that relationships can have challenges that need to be addressed, I think this situation should make you seriously think about whether you want to continue living with him OP.
You are experiencing the enormity of the loss of your mum and he should have 100pc supported you.
Instead, he is playing mind games with you and behaving like a spoilt child.
Take care OP

Original poster
Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:41

YumYa · 26/09/2025 22:38

Dp is right just you put dh too.

Get rid.

Show quote history

Sorry my brain is mashed right now

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/09/2025 22:40

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

Agree with this. I don’t think I could see a future. The DC also lost their grandparent & so they would have appreciated the support.

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 26/09/2025 22:40

Im so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Your partner is pretty awful, isn't he? This is a dreadful time for you, and he's making it worse. Is this the first time he's shown this crappy aspect of his character?

VivaForever81 · 26/09/2025 22:40

I agree with what everyone else is saying, get rid.
Sorry for your loss.

steff13 · 26/09/2025 22:38

Your mother has died and he's made it all about him. Dump him.

Lindy2 · 26/09/2025 22:38

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Well thank goodness for that. Easier to dump.

SwirlyWhirls · 26/09/2025 22:38

“D”P can spin on it. Throw this one back.

YumYa · 26/09/2025 22:38

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Dp is right just you put dh too.

Get rid.

Lindy2 · 26/09/2025 22:37

He should have been by your side supporting you through your mother's funeral. Unconditionally.

His selfishness and pettiness is unbelievable. Honestly I think that would be the end of the relationship for me.

There was absolutely no reason your ex husband shouldn't be invited. Does he seriously expect the father of your children to not feature in your life at all and why does him being there bother him so much anyway? He sounds like a total prat.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 26/09/2025 22:35

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Oh good, easier to get rid of him.

BreakingBroken · 26/09/2025 22:35

wow, amazing how insecure your partner is.

and sadly as others have said he has shown you a side of himself which i could never forgive.

fluffiphlox · 26/09/2025 22:34

He’s a complete tool.

Original poster
Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

OP posts:
MyDeftHedgehog · 26/09/2025 22:32

What an utterly knobhead. Making your DMs funeral all about himself . I would be kicking the selfish dick right out

YumYa · 26/09/2025 22:28

I couldn't be with him now. He's shown you who he is.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's too young and a huge shock 💐

fgsaname · 26/09/2025 22:28

Yes your DH/DP (not sure which, probably lose the D regardless) is a selfish arse who thinks everything revolves around him.
My DH first wife came to MiL funeral because they had known each other for more than 20 years. Nothing to do with me at all.
I’m sorry for your loss. When you have a bit more headspace think carefully about your future and what that might look like - you deserve the very best

mrsfollowill · 26/09/2025 22:27

Sorry you are married to a twat! The day was not all about him We had a similar situation at my mums funeral and everyone behaved as adults and we were all cordial- as it should be. It was all about mum! She had relationships with both the Ex and current DH of my sis and your DH should have been there to support you and make the day easier if he could- not cause you problems. I would feel so let down in your shoes and question his whole character.

KeenGreen · 26/09/2025 22:27

Your partner is being an idiot, and should be supporting you at this time not being a jealous twat. It’s not about him he’s should have been there for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

27pilates · 26/09/2025 22:26

Same as @GCAcademic
Disgusting behaviour on so many levels. He’s basically made your mother’s death all about him. So sorry OP you don’t deserve this. 💐

Sassylovesbooks · 26/09/2025 22:26

Your brother lived with your Mum, and is still friends with your ex. He invited your ex to the house and funeral, therefore you had no right to throw your ex out of the house your brother is living in. Your ex clearly has known your Mum for a long time, if you were together 20 years, and has kept in touch via your brother. If your husband felt uncomfortable, then that was all his own doing. He could have chosen to ignore the fact your ex was there, and support you. But no, he chose to behave like a total knob instead. To be throwing all this at you now is awful and he should be ashamed of himself.