Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 26/09/2025 23:28

Sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft
Agree with everybody, your partner behaved like a twat, instead of supporting you at the most difficult time he let you down in such a nasty way.

Happilyobtuse · 26/09/2025 23:27

Sorry to say but your DP is a complete and total arse! I don’t think you should pander to this nonsense. If he can’t support you during such a traumatic and difficult time, he really needs to be shown the door! The cheek of some people! I feel like giving him a piece of my mind on your behalf!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/09/2025 23:25

' I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority '

He is not a priority on the day you bury your mother ! Who does he think he is ?!!!

How dare he.

CrimsonStoat · 26/09/2025 23:24

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

Good, easier to get rid of after showing such childish disrespect.

Pippielk · 26/09/2025 23:24

As echoed my everyone here, he’s shown his true colours. Are you with him long ? I imagine it’s not long as surely controlling behaviour would have already emerged - or maybe it’s been subtle and harder to pinpoint than the terrible behaviour at the funeral.
While I know it will be tough now coping with the grief - you need to get rid of him and mourne your mum. Even look at it in terms of what would your dm want you to do in this situation ?

Puregoldy · 26/09/2025 23:23

Massive red flag. He should have been supporting you and not putting his feelings first. Not just for you but for your children. Some people can’t cope when their needs don’t come first. I’d walk op.

Gymnopedie · 26/09/2025 23:23

This should be the end of the relationship. I know it will be hard when your mum's just died and you're grieving, and you don't have to do it right now, but he's told you how selfish and self centred he is and I couldn't carry on after that.

Does he always get nasty when he's not the centre of attention/not getting his own way? Does your birthday have to be about him or he sulks and slams doors, Mothers' Day ditto? Does he ever show you kindness and thoughtfulness, or does that only go in one direction in your relationship?

I feel this can't have come out of nowhere.

TwinklyNight · 26/09/2025 23:21

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. For you to be attacked by your boyfriend is an absolute disgrace. What a looser he is to kick off on a day like this. Shameful disgusting mindset.

DumpedByText · 26/09/2025 23:20

That would be the end for me, if he can't be supportive when you've lost your mum, he's a dick and not worth it.

Sorry for your loss x

Everyonceinawhile · 26/09/2025 23:20

Neodymium · 26/09/2025 22:17

I hope you aren’t married to him. You just lost your mother and he’s picking a fight with you. That shows you who he really is.

Exactly, he is an asshole, he is making a huge transitive event in your life about him

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/09/2025 23:19

He's an absolute ahitbag and should have supported you

GoodOldTrayBake · 26/09/2025 23:17

Not much detailed advice needed. Just a simple case of: tell him to fuck right off.

Frolie · 26/09/2025 23:16

I’m so sorry for the terrible loss of your mum at such a young age. You must be in shock.

Your partner’s behaviour is actually unforgivable. How dare he? How dare he make the day about him and his own inadequacies? He was not there for you, on the worst day of your life.

Of course your XH should have been there, given the role he played in your family. Your partner’s behaviour is wrong and for me, he has crossed a line. He has shown his true colours. I’m so sorry OP. He has made a hard day, even harder. You have every right to feel upset, let down and heart broken at his dreadful behaviour.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 26/09/2025 23:12

So sorry about yout lovely mum. As for your DP, I’m sorry he has chosen to be so horrible to you when you are grieving her loss. He doesn’t have your back, I’m afraid. Be kind to yourself even if he can’t 💐

TwoBlueFish · 26/09/2025 23:12

your “D”P is being an absolute twat. He should be supporting you in whatever way he can and instead he’s throwing a tantrum and making things all about him.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum.

SereneSquirrel · 26/09/2025 23:08

OP, this is my first ever LTB.

I'm absolutely raging for you. What a fucking prick. How dare he behave this way and treat you like this when he should be doing everything he can to support and care for you when you've just lost your mother.

It's seriously abusive for him to use a time like this to be a jealous childish dick when you most need him to be a dependable and loving partner.

Please know that you are worth much more than this and take good care of yourself by leaving this self centred man baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss. xx

DCorMe · 26/09/2025 23:06

I don’t know how long you have been with your “D”P but this is not the behaviour you should be receiving when you have just lost your mum. Petty arguments about ex-H are irrelevant. His role is to support you in getting through the funeral and helping you to grieve and recover through this period.
If he isn’t doing this, what is he bringing to the party.
Ditch him

ClarasSisters · 26/09/2025 23:05

Your dp is a Class A bell end. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry about your mum Flowers

Sunflower459 · 26/09/2025 23:05

Homegrownberries · 26/09/2025 23:03

This is your hour of need and he's not supporting you. He's doing the opposite. He's making it about him. He has shown you who he is and it's not good. You deserve better.

He’s bugger all use in the hard times, that’s for sure.

DIYagainstMould · 26/09/2025 23:04

He is vile. Totally vile. Like what he expected, for you to shoot down all your previous relatives because, he the new man-god appeared into your life. He is vile

Homegrownberries · 26/09/2025 23:03

This is your hour of need and he's not supporting you. He's doing the opposite. He's making it about him. He has shown you who he is and it's not good. You deserve better.

Olderbutt · 26/09/2025 23:02

rubyslippers · 26/09/2025 22:18

your partner is being ridiculous
you have an amicable relationship with your ex who paid his respects to his ex mil and his children’s grandmother
why is your partner making it about him and not supporting you
I am sorry for your loss

This exactly. He needs to grow up and be civil. Lots of second spouses manage it without feeling insecure. So sorry for your loss OP , you really don't need his behavior on top of it x

5foot5 · 26/09/2025 22:58

So sorry for your loss.

When my mum died a few years ago my sister's exDH asked if he could come to the funeral. Of course he was told yes. He had, after all, known her for years and she was his children's GM.

Your "D"P sounds like a self-centred arse. Thank goodness he isn't a DH. Get rid of this one.

Frostynoman · 26/09/2025 22:58

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mother. Honestly, I echo what another poster has said: this would be the end of the relationship for me. How dare he tantrum and manipulate - you are vulnerable and grieving. There is no explanation that would make this okay.

Delphinium20 · 26/09/2025 22:57

Your DP has treated you appallingly. And on the day of your mother’s funeral. That is unforgivable. Unless he’s a truly awful person, your XH should have been there regardless if he’s friends with DB because he is the father of your DC who have just lost their DGM. And he was married to you for 20 years. What happens when your DC get married, graduate, have children of their own? Is XH not allowed to be near them or pissy man baby throws a fit?

get rid. don‘t waste one minute more on this pathetic man