I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

You misunderstood my post. I meant a calm discussion between OP and her husband to find a way forward that isn't just OP denying her DH the right to have his parents visit.

Even if say for example, your parents had behaved appallingly to your DH? Would you still go ballistic then?

People should feel safe in their own home, and that includes excluding toxic people from being in their safe space.

My inlaws have never been in my home. My DH supports this because they bullied me to the point we both considered suicide.

I’d let them come to the house - but not see them yourself. Go out, as long as your DP is goign to look after the kids properly without being distracted by twats who don’t seem to understand the danger of hot drinks or the consequences of being so shitty to you for a decade

I would try to get your DP to understand that they’ve been shitty to you for 10 years and enough is enough.

If my dh banned my parents from coming to our house, I’d go ballistic. If they come, and you don’t want to see them, just take yourself out, or into another room. I can see they’re a PITA, but they’re your dhs parents, who I guess they must have raised to be a decent human being if you’ve chosen to marry him.

@saraclara you are assuming the parents will listen. My own FIL shouted at me me "end of discussion" when we were talking about something he had done and he was putting my toddler child's safety at risk. There was no discussion he was willing to have. This from a man who literally was the typical 1970s Dad, went to work, came home, read the paper, never changed a nappy, never cooked a meal, never looked after his children. That was what his wife was for. His meek, wouldn't say boo to a goose, lovely wife.

Plus my own parents dragged me to see my unhinged abusive Grandparent. I wish they hadn't exposed us to that toxic name calling woman. But you know, family and all that.

Annoying In-laws kind of come with the territory of being in any sort of long term relationship I’m afraid. Of course some people are very lucky but most of us suck it up for the sake of our spouses and kids. I’m sure if you looked at your own family through a magnifying glass there would be things that aren’t perfect.
The alternative is a world of pain for your husband and kids - I speak from experience here. It’s a really horrible situation to be in so although it might be a convenient way out for you, please just think about the impact on everyone else before you go down this road.

Agree some discussion needs to happen because from the OP, the DH is just saying “tough shit. Get over it to make me happy”. He’s equally making it impossible for her

Similar to previous poster I am the unfortunate offspring of a batshit mother. My lovely DH has done very well to keep himself together, remain polite and gracious over the years with some of the absolute bile that she has spouted forth.

I can't possibly explain the immense relief to both of us that came when we went completely NC. If she had ever dared to shout at my DH or to tell us how to raise our children it would have been a lot sooner - as it was, it was a slow attrition followed by a final straw.

I hear you OP. Stand by whatever makes you happy.

I had awful PILs and my ex was a complete wet wipe when it came to dealing with them. If I had my time again I'd work on my boundaries and then enforce them calmly but relentlessly. No crying in the car, but instead calling out their behaviour, their rants, their manipulations, their unkindnesses. Every single time. It's a war of attrition. Make sure you win. But keep it calm. Be a role model for your children in not taking people's crap.

I’ve been no contact with my PIL for 2.5 years. It’s not the easy route and I wish at times we could all be civil as logistically it’s difficult.

Fortunately for me DH was completely on my side for going NC and wishes he didn’t have his ‘Catholic guilt’ to also go NC. He’s extremely LC - seeing them a handful of times a year at special occasions/least time as possible.

When they came over to visit the baby I sat upstairs the whole time but that’s because she was BF/wanted to be at hand incase it all kicked off. DH made the decision he feels more comfortable meeting them in a neutral location now and that way he can make a quick exit/no awkwardness of me getting stressed before they arrive.

But my in-laws did a string of things that were truly unforgivable. Borderline abusive people.

What I say as somebody who is NC (it’s very easy for mumnetters to throw around the term) is that it’s difficult. Working out plans at Xmas/birthdays. What will DH do on his big birthday. I miss out on seeing the rest of the family. I wish I could support DH. We haven’t thrown the likes of gender reveals/birthday parties and even a christening because the whole situation is so explosive. Just something to consider.

OP's husband doesn't appreciate her response though. If he wants a relationship with his parents, and for them to see his children, it's not for OP to make that impossible.

OP needs to stop ranting, and to have a conversation where they both listen to each other, have some empathy with each other, and come to an agreement on how to move forward in a way that isn't destructive.

So let them visit dp at your home. No law says you or dc need to be home.
Tell dp they need to know your dc's safety is more important than their feelings.

I’m sorry you had a difficult experience. However, your method isn’t universal. My DH (and his siblings) thank me for seeing the circus, sticking my neck out and putting my foot down, and they all followed suit having found the courage after decades of narcissism. It’s not a one size fits all.

perhaps the difference was maybe your father was more reasonable? We were dealing with two highly irrational nutjobs. The only response was nuclear. No room for reason.

OP, a great book for your DH is Susan Forward’s “Toxic Parents” and its sister book “Toxic In-Laws” for you. When my DH read the former, his reaction was “I identify with so much in here, but what I don’t understand is how I grieve it?”…which might help on the point re your DH being “sad”.

Great post, fair play to your DH. (And you).

What??? Bizarre reply. Where’s your evidence for MILs being here or the age profile being > 55?

I just don’t think he can possibly thinking straight. He’s basically Stockholm’d by his parents. Just because he’s the OP’s kids’ father doesn’t mean he is well placed to make a call on all matters. His judgment is clouded.

I had a batshit mother. I'm very grateful to my late husband for not blowing things up, and instead, helping me manage the relationship. Over several decades, together we were able to manage visits with agreed boundaries and calmness.

The MILs are out in force. OP, I’d keep a note that most people on AIBU are 55+, so take these responses with a pinch of salt.

I hear you.

The OP’s been dealing with this for 10 years and it ain’t improving. Straw. Camel. Rubicon.

The DH wants the OP to “put it behind her” for his sake. Well, I wager she’s already been doing that for 10 years whilst he lets himself and his nuclear family get bullied.

@MauriceTheMussel

’your sanctuary’. Come on.

Unless I’ve misread, I assume DP is the father of these children & also lives in this ‘sanctuary’. Of course he should get a say.

But the grown ass man shouting at OP and tiny kids wasn’t petty and childish?

Genuinely, what are you on?

I have much experience of toxic lunatic ILs (a lot worse than OP’s drama).

Even still, while I was married, I did my best to remain courteous & facilitate a relationship with my DC.

I happen to think escalating things is unhelpful. All round.

Amen.

And you absolutely can stop them from being in your house. They can see their son (or grandkids if you want) in literally any other building in this entire world, but your sanctuary? Nah.

You do sound a bit petty and childish. First I'd have removed the tea, they are too young just to be told to be careful. Then I'd have said a 1 year old is too young to know to avoid tea and the 3 year old is still learning. Response to having raised kids themselves is then you know it's not safe at that age.

Your children will soon grow and benefit from having more people in their lives.

Don’t see them again. They just want you to skivvy and cook and host them again. Don’t fall for it, you’ve managed to escape them. If you let them in once, that’s it.