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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

211 replies

amispeakingintongues · 26/09/2025 20:32

NC with them for last 7 months, and have felt huge relief. I don’t let them in my house anymore, at least while I am here. Kids are welcome to see them whenever but I don’t trust PIL to look after them unattended because;

FIL shouted at me/ us in his house over the fact I gently reminded my own children (ages 1 and 3) to be careful of the boiling hot cup of tea stupidly placed by MIL on a side table right behind them. He heard me say this, then spat out “No what (dc) needs to do is go next door to get his snack)”. I was taken aback by this blatant undermining but ignored it as he’d already been rude to me over something else and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a response. 30 secs later, my partner walked in, saw the hot tea. Without a thought, he moved it immediately and the unhinged outburst from FIL went something like “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS” (again, kids are 1 and 3) to which I managed to reply, whilst stunned “They are my children and they are so little, if I see something dangerous I will protect them” - and he replied “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WHEN I’VE HAD X5/6/7” (he’s estranged from half his kids all with different mothers so)
… afterwards I just found the car keys and politely asked MIL (who heard all of this and didn’t say a thing) to let me out the house. I sat in the car and burst into flames (and tears). Never seen them since.

Some context: They felt (their own words) that I wasn’t good enough for their DS when we met over 10 years ago. Since then their opinion according to my DP has changed, and they apparently think i’m a good mum to their grandkids etc but never once have they said anything positive about me to my face about my character or anything that made me feel genuinely liked and respected, rather than tolerated. Even though I have bent over backwards in my people pleasing ways cooking, hosting, long heart to hearts with MIL, taking her out on lunches, taking the kids to see them etc, there has always been an undercurrent of disdain towards me. Which has worn me down in more ways than i can explain in one post.

Anyway. My DP is getting pressure from them to nip this all in the bud whilst maintaining they absolutely will not apologise to me. And that somehow, I am in the wrong. DP disagrees with them but that doesn’t change much because they are withholding attention/love/affection which is upsetting him. This master manipulation is no surprise but my DP is not well attuned for seeing this for what it is. DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake, just so they can come to the house. I don’t want to not uphold my new found boundary but also don’t want DP feeling upset. I know i’m not being petty, just feeling like I don’t know what’s best in the long run.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 27/09/2025 05:54

Yachties · 27/09/2025 05:15

It’s always the dil holding the pil ransom using the dc as pawns. As the mother of sons I realise the dw holds all the cards, I can never make a mistake or express my feelings and never expect anything.
Of course it was dangerous and you need to safeguard the dc but going nc hurts your DP and your dc and deprives them of a relationship.

i hope all the dil on here who are quick to stop pil seeing the dc (although allow their own parents more leeway to make mistakes) think about the future if they have sons. What goes around comes around.

Edited

Did you even read OP's posts? She has gone NC. She is not stopping her DP from seeing his parents, or their DC seeing their grand-parents, so long as her DP is present. The five of them can, and do, have a relationship - it's just OP who's stepped back.

AngelicKaty · 27/09/2025 05:42

anyolddinosaur · 26/09/2025 21:56

@nomas Just because the grown man acted badly does not mean that everyone around also has to behave childishly. The safest place for the children to see their grandparents is in their own home with their own father.

My MIL was much worse to me that this, never tried to stop dh seeing her and let her see her grandchild.

OP isn't trying to stop her DP seeing his parents either, nor their DC seeing them - it's only OP that's gone NC - she's not trying to force her DP and DC to do the same at all.

Letshavetea1 · 27/09/2025 05:33

You have my every sympathy. I’m the mother of two adult children. It was my parents who behaved in a similarly dreadful manner (and worse). I kept going and so did my poor husband and kids. I wish I hadn’t and all I can tell you is I wish I had cut contact. Your husband needs to have your back and you need to be a united front (if possible). I don’t agree that they should be allowed into your home if you’re not there. It’s your home, your sanctuary.
People shouldn’t downplay the risk of hot drinks - that is patently a great risk to children.

If it were me, I’d at the very most say your husband must do what he wishes to do (whilst being aware of how this will make you see him).I’d not be happy for them to see my children in this scenario because they can’t be trusted to act in the children’s best interest - keep them physically safe and to not listen to abuse and disrespect of their mother (you).
Stay strong and good luck.

AngelicKaty · 27/09/2025 05:20

@amispeakingintongues So,

  • You allow your PIL to have contact with your DC so long as your DP is also present, and
  • You allow them to come to your house so long as you're not there, but your DP is.
Seems OK to me given the way they've treated you. I actually don't know what more your DP (or PIL) expect you to do. You're not stopping the three of them from having a relationship, or your PIL from having a relationship with your DC, which all seems perfectly reasonable to me. Why should you be forced to play happy families when they can't even be gracious enough to apologise? Maintain your boundary OP - and continue enjoying the relief it brings you. 😊
Yachties · 27/09/2025 05:15

It’s always the dil holding the pil ransom using the dc as pawns. As the mother of sons I realise the dw holds all the cards, I can never make a mistake or express my feelings and never expect anything.
Of course it was dangerous and you need to safeguard the dc but going nc hurts your DP and your dc and deprives them of a relationship.

i hope all the dil on here who are quick to stop pil seeing the dc (although allow their own parents more leeway to make mistakes) think about the future if they have sons. What goes around comes around.

PearTreeLeaf · 27/09/2025 04:56

nomas · 26/09/2025 21:18

The MILs are out in force. OP, I’d keep a note that most people on AIBU are 55+, so take these responses with a pinch of salt.

55+ can mean many years of experience navigating relationships with batshit in-laws, not just being an in-law.

I'm with the people who would not want my kids seeing your FIL with only their dad, so I'd either have to grit my teeth and sit through those visits or push for full no contact. There's no way in your shoes I'd risk exposing them to that sort of toxicity without me there, if there was a chance dh would minimise it and let things slide.

Ughtrxingtogetbetter · 27/09/2025 04:54

BarbaricYawp · 26/09/2025 21:28

I had awful PILs and my ex was a complete wet wipe when it came to dealing with them. If I had my time again I'd work on my boundaries and then enforce them calmly but relentlessly. No crying in the car, but instead calling out their behaviour, their rants, their manipulations, their unkindnesses. Every single time. It's a war of attrition. Make sure you win. But keep it calm. Be a role model for your children in not taking people's crap.

So sorry. I have similar and feel the same. The only issue is if I do call it out my husband becomes foul and tries to blame me for speaking up. The thing stopping me divorcing is fear of shared custody, with DC alone with PIL and SIL (who never left home and has major issues).

Dreading Christmas already.

Ughtrxingtogetbetter · 27/09/2025 04:47

OneChirpyAmberShark · 26/09/2025 20:41

Who owns your home? If it is joint owned with your DP then I can see that its a bit unfair to not allow his parents to visit him in his home. I assume at the moment DP takes the children to see PIL . Trouble eith that approach is that you have no oversight of what is said in front of the children while they are visiting. Could you try just having MIL round to see if on her own she would be reasonable.

This.

Mine are horrific and there is an unhinged SIL who lives with them. I dread any visits but while I was afraid of negligence around young DC, as they got older it turned to emotional manipulation. I think you have to be around to protect DC. I just keep it as low contact as possible. DC hates visits. DH pretends all is fine (I have a DH problem as well, at least I know where he got his filthy temper and denial of reality).

thepariscrimefiles · 27/09/2025 04:16

anyolddinosaur · 26/09/2025 21:15

You do sound a bit petty and childish. First I'd have removed the tea, they are too young just to be told to be careful. Then I'd have said a 1 year old is too young to know to avoid tea and the 3 year old is still learning. Response to having raised kids themselves is then you know it's not safe at that age.

Your children will soon grow and benefit from having more people in their lives.

OP's DP did move the tea and his dad went mad and shouted “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS”. How on earth would it be a benefit to have this horrible man in their lives? He doesn't care about his grandkids' safety and he is happy to shout at OP and her DP in front of the kids.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/09/2025 04:12

saraclara · 26/09/2025 21:13

That.

Your home is your husband's home too, and if he wants to invite them he absolutely has a right to. It's up to you to go out on those occasions if you feel so strongly.

Their behaviour wasn't great, but you sound very dramatic.
I don't believe that anyone should shun their parents because their spouse says they should. And compared to many people's issues with parents/in law's, this incident is pretty small fry.

Show quote history

Hardly small fry. Refusing to move a hot drink when small children are there is really dangerous. Who on earth would argue about that? The unhinged shouting at OP and her DP when her DP moved the drink is also completely unacceptable. OP's FIL sounds utterly horrible as well as rude and inhospitable. Her FIL could just apologise if her PIL are so upset about not being welcome in OP's home. They obviously aren't upset enough to do that.

saraclara · 27/09/2025 00:12

They literally hate feeling like they are not in complete control / or being judged in any way at all.

Don't we all? After all, it's them judging you that has made you dislike them.

The trial idea is ridiculous.
DH loves his mum and he has every right to invite them. You don't have to be there, or if you are, then you don't have to cook for them.
As someone else said, your home is the safest place for them to be with your children. You/your DH have control in your own house and can place drinks wherever you like, and monitor the situation without treading on their toes or changing the way the PIL's normally do things in their own home. That's what your PIL seemed unable to cope with.

Original poster
amispeakingintongues · 26/09/2025 23:13

I genuinely really appreciate these replies. I was actually very nervous to post this but glad I did. This has been very eye-opening for DP who was in denial of the batshit underhanded behaviour for YEARS until it blew up in his face. But to be honest, even now, I don’t think he wants to believe it is personal, even though it is. This incident was merely the tip of the iceberg.. He was very close to MIL and he’s very triggered by her being upset, so he’s desperately scrambling for ways to make things right and me bending is the only way he can make things better. Equally he has no idea why they refuse to apologise and disagrees with them. I am discombobulated just thinking about it. Good to hear all perspectives on the home/ boundary thing, I do like the trial period someone suggested… although not sure PIL would even want to come over if I told them it’s a trial so could be a win win!? They literally hate feeling like they are not in complete control / or being judged in any way at all.

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 26/09/2025 22:19

I really don’t think there’s some magical forcefield around the OP’s house where the FIL isn’t a dick and respects her parenting and/or where the DP gets a spine when it comes to his parents.

Livelovebehappy · 26/09/2025 22:14

OrangeCars · 26/09/2025 22:03

Or maybe he's a decent human being despite being raised by them. I think the "well he turned out nice enough for you so they can't be that bad" argument is a bit unfair on those who have difficult or abusive or narcissist, selfish parents.

And I also sort of feel like anyone in a home should get power of veto for any particular visitors, if them coming into your safe space is likely to cause significant anxiety and stress (whether you're there or forced to go out to avoid them). She's not stopping her husband from seeing them, or having a relationship with them, I don't think? And given that they'd apparently rather be "right" than move a scalding cup of tea to protect a baby, as any sensible and sane person would do, I'm not sure I'd be that desperate to facilitate contact with their grandkids for fear of one of my children being seriously harmed by their stupidity.

Show quote history

But there shouldn’t be a safety issue if in your own home. OP can set the rules - no hot drinks at children level for example. Sounds like the main issues regarding safety are at the in-laws house, where it’s probably harder to be assertive.

secondtimelucky87 · 26/09/2025 22:13

I haven't seen my in-laws since last Christmas and have no intention of seeing them ever again. Awful parents to my husband, have always treated me with disdain, totally ignored my own wonderful parents the first time they met them, did the same on our wedding day and pretty much pretend my daughter doesn't exist while showering other grandchildren with love. Have plenty of time to swan around the world though on fancy holidays. Tried once more last year to be civil but never again. Agree with a pp that those rushing to defend your in laws have never been on the receiving end of this treatment. It's so liberating when you finally decide: never again. Honestly stand your ground and I'm sorry they've made you feel like that. It's humiliating and you deserve better.

Livelovebehappy · 26/09/2025 22:11

nomas · 26/09/2025 22:02

These people expect OP to cook and host them and yet at their house, OP isn’t even allowed to mention that a cup of hot tea is in the wrong place.

Why on earth should OP continue to cook for them and host them? Fuck them.

Show quote history

Hosting and cooking for them isn’t needed though. The most I’d do is make them a drink, as long as they put the drink safely out of the reach of the children. OPs house, OPs rules, so it’s easier to stipulate rules when it’s on your own turf. Family fallouts are draining and are rarely worth the effort of continuing them long term. It’s easier just to be low contact than no contact.

DarkYearForMySoul · 26/09/2025 22:05

How about some explicit boundaries? Eg they are allowed to visit on a trial basis? During this trial if they are expected to be polite, helpful and respect as any adults should be. If they prove unable to act in an adult way they have predefined consequences.

OrangeCars · 26/09/2025 22:03

Livelovebehappy · 26/09/2025 21:42

If my dh banned my parents from coming to our house, I’d go ballistic. If they come, and you don’t want to see them, just take yourself out, or into another room. I can see they’re a PITA, but they’re your dhs parents, who I guess they must have raised to be a decent human being if you’ve chosen to marry him.

Or maybe he's a decent human being despite being raised by them. I think the "well he turned out nice enough for you so they can't be that bad" argument is a bit unfair on those who have difficult or abusive or narcissist, selfish parents.

And I also sort of feel like anyone in a home should get power of veto for any particular visitors, if them coming into your safe space is likely to cause significant anxiety and stress (whether you're there or forced to go out to avoid them). She's not stopping her husband from seeing them, or having a relationship with them, I don't think? And given that they'd apparently rather be "right" than move a scalding cup of tea to protect a baby, as any sensible and sane person would do, I'm not sure I'd be that desperate to facilitate contact with their grandkids for fear of one of my children being seriously harmed by their stupidity.

nomas · 26/09/2025 22:02

Livelovebehappy · 26/09/2025 22:00

They wouldn’t behave appallingly because I’d have his back without the need for excluding them from our home. It does sound like your situation was far worse if you say you contemplated suicide. The issues with OP’s PIL don’t seem to occur at her house, just at their’s, so why not just accept them to hers, and just don’t visit them at their home, where all the drama seems to happen.

Show quote history

These people expect OP to cook and host them and yet at their house, OP isn’t even allowed to mention that a cup of hot tea is in the wrong place.

Why on earth should OP continue to cook for them and host them? Fuck them.

HopingForTheBest25 · 26/09/2025 22:01

Absolutely disagree that dp has a right to invite them round regardless of how the OP feels. If posters are going to make the point of it being a shared house, then why would his pov outrank hers, when she is the one who has been so disrespected? DP doesn't actually disagree with the OP - he's just more affected by the fear, guilt and obligation!

In OP's shoes, I wouldn't have them in my house either. I might agree to meet them on neutral ground, like a cafe or park, but at the first sign of rudeness or undermining, me and the kids would be off! DP needs to be supportive of OPs right to respect and if he lets his parents treat her like shit because he wants an easier life, then he's as much of a problem as the in-laws!
OP is right not to fold.

Livelovebehappy · 26/09/2025 22:00

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/09/2025 21:47

Even if say for example, your parents had behaved appallingly to your DH? Would you still go ballistic then?

People should feel safe in their own home, and that includes excluding toxic people from being in their safe space.

My inlaws have never been in my home. My DH supports this because they bullied me to the point we both considered suicide.

Show quote history

They wouldn’t behave appallingly because I’d have his back without the need for excluding them from our home. It does sound like your situation was far worse if you say you contemplated suicide. The issues with OP’s PIL don’t seem to occur at her house, just at their’s, so why not just accept them to hers, and just don’t visit them at their home, where all the drama seems to happen.

nomas · 26/09/2025 22:00

saraclara · 26/09/2025 21:47

You misunderstood my post. I meant a calm discussion between OP and her husband to find a way forward that isn't just OP denying her DH the right to have his parents visit.

Show quote history

OP has ‘when I’m not there’, so clearly PIL have visited the house.

I suspect what’s annoying PIL is that when OP is out the house, there is no skivvy cooking and hosting for them.

nomas · 26/09/2025 21:58

anyolddinosaur · 26/09/2025 21:56

@nomas Just because the grown man acted badly does not mean that everyone around also has to behave childishly. The safest place for the children to see their grandparents is in their own home with their own father.

My MIL was much worse to me that this, never tried to stop dh seeing her and let her see her grandchild.

So OP is supposed to go back to cooking and hosting for these twats?

They just want a skivvy.

anyolddinosaur · 26/09/2025 21:56

@nomas Just because the grown man acted badly does not mean that everyone around also has to behave childishly. The safest place for the children to see their grandparents is in their own home with their own father.

My MIL was much worse to me that this, never tried to stop dh seeing her and let her see her grandchild.

DarkTreesWhisper · 26/09/2025 21:52

@saraclara sorry, I did misunderstand. The thing is the FIL put the children at risk. Personally because FIL doesn't see a problem with what he did I wouldn't want my children to be around them without me there unless the OP's partner can stand up to his parents. It doesn't sound like he can stand up to them.

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