I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

They sound foul and aggressive. The long running background is a red flag they may try to negatively influence DC @amispeakingintongues

Can you just go as low contact as possible?
Please be cautious about not being present when DC are with them - you don’t want emotional abuse and manipulation.
If possible get DH to set boundaries, so PIL don’t lash out at you or try to drive a wedge.

My PIL became terrible when we had DC. There is a very difficult SIL who never left home and does not cope with change. It was dangerous and later manipulative. I have also been shouted at by them, but honestly that is minor compared to putting DC at risk and the emotional manipulation.

Our relationship with other relatives is really good. The SIL also has problems with the other nieces and nephews, so it really isn’t just us. I have made a huge effort in the past. It meant nothing as there was manipulation, undermining and aggression once DC entered the mix. SIL is very creepy around DH and almost tries to act like a spouse in messaging and when together. Edited to add: unreciprocated!

Would happily never see them again and DC does not enjoy visits. DH is a massive problem and tries to pretend everything is fine and normal. Gets aggressive and blames us when we say there is an issue.

• So I go or am here when they are here to protect DC.
• They wear me down so I make myself scarce before visits. DH has to sort the house (not a big deal, but I don’t want a late night then have to face the stress on less sleep).
• DC should not be exposed to this. But if I leave and there is shared custody DC would have no protection. I have told DH that is DC are alone again with SIL I will file for divorce and full custody.
• I have been honest in an age appropriate way with DC, as I don’t want them to feel as if something they have done justifies bizarre ‚rules’, explosions and the general atmosphere. For context, it isn’t just my view, there are diagnosed MH issues but PIL have shielded SIL. So no treatment and anything she comes up with is completely backed, as I guess there is fear of the ensuing explosions.
• I understand it must be difficult for them, including SIL. But the lies and aggression are where any chance of a normal relationship broke.

You have the option to tell them they must acknowledge their actions, apologise and be clear that there will be no repeat of similar. If they choose not to then you have to stick to your guns. You have no choice.

It's actually his call.

Op has repeatedly said that the children still see them. Said dh took them over "today".

Not wise imo considering their complete lack of regard for basic safety. But that's her call.

The OP sounds reasonable to me. What I fail to understand about the PIL generation is that they often seem so hellbent on NEVER apologising. The op’s father in law shouted and upset her. If I was him, I’d apologise and do my best to smooth things over, even if I privately thought she was being ridiculous (which she wasn’t).

If my own in-laws had come to me and said sorry for their shocking behaviour and accusations, then I would have accepted that and done my best to move on. As it was, they refused to do that. So I stepped back and left my DH to navigate his own relationship with them. Unsurprisingly, they treated him pretty badly in the years that followed…they now have a cordial, but far from close relationship, and their grandchildren barely know them. That is on them. It’s so stupid of them and I feel sorry for them tbh.

Yeah I hope he grows a pair and tells the OP that he and his children are entitled to have a relationship with his parents.

DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake

What about you? What about your wellbeing? Respect? Basic safety of your children?

For your sake (and your children) I suggest he grows a pair.

If you automatically always disbelieve the OP's version of events, what is the point of even being on Mumsnet? We only ever have one side of the story.

OP's language and description of events sound credible to me and I think her FIL sounds like an overbearing arsehole who deliberately put OP's small children at risk of serious harm by refusing to move a hot drink so his grandchildren couldn't burn themselves and then shouting at his own son who did move the drink. A one year old can't be trusted to avoid a hot drink within their reach yet OP's FIL was willing to risk his grandchild being burned as long as his authority was recognised and his instructions followed.

As part of a family you need to consider others' points of view. Your DPs, your children's when they're old enough to have one. Maybe MIL's.

Of course your 4 year old won't talk eagerly about grandad, because he's worked out you don't like him. He'll want to please you.

At the moment you still expect your children to have a relationship with them as your DP is taking them to visit. So your stance "protects" no one but yourself. To me, that's not appropriate where a partner and children are involved. After the experience you had, you know that you need to be proactive in both ensuring your children are safe around the PIL AND managing situations to avoid conflict. (See earlier advice to move the child, not the hot drink).

They are not just her kids, they are their father's kids too and he has equal say. Even if they were divorced he could take them to see his parents.

I would probably allow the PILs in my house as long as they behaved, rather than let them go without me to PIL's house, if they can't be trusted to keep them safe from things like hot tea (or worse).

Not me, I am the DIL.

I just know that there is always another side to the story and would caution against encouraging anyone to go no contact with her in laws without knowing the other side.

I think what is really making me suspicious here is the thread title. "I feel great but my husband feels sad."

OK but it's not all about you. I'm pretty sure my SIL also feels great about destroying my PIL's family and her son's relationship with his parents.

He shouldn't have shouted at you, and like many people, can't bring himself to apologise, but that doesn't mean you need to take up this strict boundary and upset your DP and his family.

Wow, that is some victim blaming. Zero sympathy for how much OP was upset.

There is no way they’re going to apologise.

What you’re basically saying is they can behave as they like and OP needs to suck it up.

She’s not the one screaming in front of tiny kids about not wanting to move a hot drink out of their way.

Some people really will look to blame the DIL for everything.

I didn't always see eye to eye with my ILs and we did have a couple of heated exchanges.

I generally just avoided them if I could.

They did some stupid things at times - but then again, I probably didn't always see every danger either.

But my MIL doted on my DS, who is adopted and they were very close. I never stopped them seeing each other. She died a few years ago, and DS has a photo of him and her pinned on his bedroom wall. Interestingly, my BIL and SIL rarely visited, there was no relationship between their child (my nephew)and MIL. But after both ILs died my nephew (pretty much the same age as our son) overheard us reminiscing about things and wanted to know why he didn't know any of this stuff. He was and still is sad he didn't see them more often and get to know them. He does wish he had seen them more often and it did cause a bit of an argument between them at one point.

So do consider the long game.

And no, I am not a MIL or a granny and probably unlikely to be any time soon.

If I were in someone else’s house with my children and the adult put a cup of tea down I’d make sure my DC didn’t go near it. I wouldn’t tell the adult to move it, I’d move my dc.
I’m not sure what your point was about treats next door? Stopping your DP from his parents coming over for this minor argument is a bit pathetic in all honesty. You all need to grow up!

You do you but with children so young you are potentially up for many years of this conflict and bad feeling. Ideally you and DP would talk together and agree that as parents it's your job to keep your children safe, including when they are at their GPs or when GPs are at your house. Accept that the GPs or maybe just FIL isn't going to be great at seeing what your children need or maybe that he's just over reactive to criticism - many people are. He shouldn't have shouted at you, and like many people, can't bring himself to apologise, but that doesn't mean you need to take up this strict boundary and upset your DP and his family.

Remember too that your children won't always be so young and vulnerable. Do you really want them to have a mother who can't be around their GPs? Children pick up on everything. I knew my dad disliked and only just about tolerated his parents long before I knew why.

It's also your husband's house though, isn't it? Not just yours.

Why don't you go and do something else when they come round? Have lunch with a friend, do the food shop, something like that?

If you don't want them in your house and you don't want your children in their house then you are limiting their ability to see each other whether you see it that way or not.

This! Why can’t people read the OP? The guy shouted at her, used the imperative and to the point the OP was in tears and it’s all “minor” and “a one off”.

We all know a man like the FIL. It’s not hard to build a bigger picture.

aka someone put down a boundary and he’s thrown his toys…which is exactly why, especially after 10 years, it’s never going to improve with them, they won’t SEE it, they won’t change and you’re so much better off NC.

If DP is sad, well, that’s life, mate. They’re his parents. And just because some people want to go on with a delusion doesn’t mean everyone else has to.

Exactly. That's why I don't think AIBU is an appropriate place to encourage people to go no contact with their in laws or withhold access to their children until they get an apology for some minor incident.

Because everything might be just as the OP says.

Or you might be talking to a narcissistic sociopath like my SIL who has treated my PIL appallingly and is currently refusing to allow them to see their grandchildren unless they apologise to her and welcome her back into their home after she has destroyed their family, thrown their kindness back in their faces and repeatedly insulted and lied about them.

Knowing what I now do about how different the other side of the story can look, I would err on the side of advising the OP to encourage her husband and children to have a good relationship with her in laws even if she finds them difficult.

You need your DP on side and it’s hard for him because this is how they’ve always been so he takes the dynamic for granted.

If you can bear it, play a slightly longer game. Bend your boundaries - they can come but you’re not going to skivvy for them. You will stay there to make sure kids are safe. Make sure any hard work related to the visit is on DP (hoovering, making cups of tea, cooking, hosting) and then when they’re there make sure you pull them up on anything unsafe/unkind they do or say to the kids. Every time. Don’t worry about creating an atmosphere - your kids should be safe and they should see you sticking up for them. If PIL can’t/won’t change their behaviour your DP will start to find visits unbearable. That’s better (for you and DP) than him thinking you’ve “banned” them.