I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

Wow!
Delighted to read you are not married.
So much easier to pull away.
I would not marry such a man from such an awful family.

The amount of women who regret marrying into a toxic set up, naively thinking it is nothing to do with them.

You are not married.
His family are jack shit to you.
You have no need to have tolerated this for a minute.
Why are you marrying?
Spending money on family like that?
A scummy FIL whom doesn't speak to most of his children by multiple women.

THEY are low class.
THEY are not good enough for YOU.

Please put that wedding on hold, completely cancel.

All that does is bring further ties and complications to your life.

We are here for you.
Post away.

In fact his sadness at your boundary and lack of contact with his family is the perfect excuse to take marriage off the table.
Be honest. His family are toxic. You tried. You tried TOO hard, considering just how toxic they are. YOU are done. YOU will never be around them again. YOUR children will be protected from HIS parents.

YOU no longer believe marriage is in YOUR best interests.

If he really loved you he would have protected you years ago. He would have sorted his family out.
He didn't. He put his family first. He put himself first.

Now YOU have decided to put YOURSELF first.
Marriage is no longer in your best interests into such a toxic family.

She very much reminds me of my SIL though, which is why I'm not inclined to believe her

The massive, glaring difference, is that, although the OP has dropped contact with the PIL, her partner and their children are maintaining a relationship. nothing like your SIL

OPs happy. He's not. Op is troubled that he's upset, enough to post on here. Its possible for all to be the case.

Tbh your assertion that the OP "reminds" you of your SIL is so ludicrous, it makes me feel sorry for your Sil. Id like to hear her version...

She very much reminds me of my SIL though, which is why I'm not inclined to believe her.

I think it's the thread title. You shouldn't feel great about going NC with your in laws and knowing that your other half is upset about it. Even if there is a good reason for it, which I don't think is the case here, it should trouble you.

Surely OP's DH moving the cup of tea is keeping his children out of harm's way? Neither of them told FIL to move the tea. OP told her children to be careful and keep away from it and her DP moved the drink to a safe place. If FIL hadn't started shouting about it, I doubt that OP would have made this post.

OP isn't your SIL. I think that OP was reasonable and her FIL is an abusive arsehole. I do feel sorry for her DP who is stuck in the middle but OP isn't stopping her DP or her children seeing her PILs. She just doesn't want to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that it never happened. She has put up with their disdain for 10 years. She is now drawing a boundary.

'Going no contact over a cup of tea' implies that it is a petty argument about a cup of tea (e.g. not the right strength, too much sugar, not their turn to make the tea), not that it was an incident that deliberately put small children in harm's way.

No, your home should be your safe space. No one gets to bring someone who makes you feel unsafe into your safe space. He can go to theirs.

I literally don't know anybody in real life, except evidently my sociopathic SIL, who would go no contact over a cup of tea.

It's the parents' job to keep their children out of harm's way. If the OP was actually concerned about that, it would make far more sense to have the grandparents visit them in their home, which is set up for kids, and she would stay to supervise. The fact that she's fixating on them apologising to her and not wanting to let them in "her" home (regardless of how her husband feels about that) suggests to me that the cup of tea incident is just a Mumsnet dog whistle to get everyone to say that she is YANBU.

The 'cup of tea' incident would be a reason to go no contact for a lot of people though. OP's FIL was angry about her telling her children to be careful not to go near the boiling cup of tea and then when her husband came in and moved it, it prompted the unhinged tirade from her FIL. He was actively putting his grandchildren in harm's way and shouting at OP and her DH because, apparently, it's poor parenting to move a boiling hot cup of tea from the vicinity of small children as the only way they will learn is to have third degreee burns at the ages of 1 and 3.

I'm not sure why OP's FIL's behaviour is being excused and OP is the bad guy. You have decided that OP isn't being truthful but I'm not sure which part of her post you think is made up.

Yes, "decent person" is definitely the vibe that comes across from your horrible post.

This FIL is Nasty bully of man who deserves everything that’s coming to him.

He risked a 1 year old and 3 year old getting scolded
when op and her dh went to prevent this , they were verbally abused!
On what planet should this man be allowed round small children??
I remember the first time I put a mug of tea too near the edge of the kitchen side and my small nephew , reach up and grabbed it with both little hands, and it spilled all over his hands - luckily it had gone cold - I was horrified about what I’d done ( not used to mobile toddlers - my sister was really good , but I was super diligent after that.
Nc all the way op.
you reap what you sow FIL.

Well if I am I am obviously a decent person as I have encouraged op to talk to her DH to understand her side and encourage this to be done calmly and avoid fighting. I have also explained to the op that none of this will be easy for her DH and the damage abusive relationships can do and time it takes to try and heal.

Given what I’ve seen of your posts your obviously one who knows it all based on someone’s say so. No one knows it all, all anyone can do on these threads is post comments relating to the information given, I very much doubt anyone really believes they are getting the full facts based on one persons version of events.

Maybe if what your reading is too distressing because you don’t like what you are seeing you shouldn’t read them.

Took this route myself with one of my own parents and I totally agree with you - if someone disrespects me they don’t get access to my children. End of. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m their mother and if you dislike me so much I don’t trust you to look after them or be a positive in their lives.

I’ve never been happier, less stressed and felt more confident to truly be myself in my life. Kids don’t care whatsoever that they don’t see said parent/grandparent.

Im sure we will get flamed for this 😂

The unpleasant thread title, the insistence on an apology and the overuse of the word "boundary", among other things. All red flags to me.

Maybe the FIL is difficult as well. Maybe I'm reading the OP all wrong and projecting my own negative experiences with my SIL onto her. Who knows? None of us do, that's the point.

I'm just quite sure that my SIL's version of her story would sound a lot like this.

What about this post makes you think the OP is difficult and not her father in law?

Like I said, I think it is irresponsible to encourage a stranger on the internet to carry on a feud with her parents in law based on nothing more than this thread.

Real life is always more complex.

If one day your son married a difficult woman who decided that you could only see your grandchildren if you did exactly what she wanted all the time, you'd hope that if she posted on here for validation she wouldn't get 400 complete strangers saying, "You go girl!" and cheerleading her decision to cut you out of their lives based on nothing more than a one sided telling of a story, wouldn't you?

Yes, we only ever hear one side of the story (well except once, when someone posted that their sister was awful for keeping her distance from the family, and the sister herself finally posted (if all is as it seemed)).

But this has always been the way - there are dreadful PiLs, and there are dreadful children in laws too. Unpleasant people often don't change; unpleasant children-in-law can grow up to be unpleasant PiLs too. Though another poster make the point well that some parents struggle to let go of directing their childrens' lives and that's true (not in my case, but it is a thing).

All we can do is work off what we have been told and this specific incident is fairly detailed, and there seems to be a backstory.

We can agree to differ though.

Yeah but she drip fed that stuff after a lot of people said, "Yes OK fair enough about the cup of tea, but it's not a reason to go no contact."

And it's exactly the same kind of stuff my SIL would say, which in her case would be absolutely untrue.

In AIBU people seem to treat it like a game show, should she LTB/go NC, hands on your buzzers, all vote now, the person with the fewest votes doesn't get to see their grandchildren again.

Fair point, AIBU is a bearpit and Mumsnet regulate it only very lightly. Having said that many people here get a real buzz out of deliberately misinterpreting what an OP has said. In this situation I don't think the cup of tea is a red herring - seriously, severe burns can last life-long and a 1 year old is not safe near a cup. I knew a baby who'd pulled over a cup and three years later the treatment was still ongoing - she's scarred for life. It's not a small chance of something happening, when it's a 1yo and a very hot cup of tea.

But from what the OP has said this is only the tip of the iceberg, if you read her posts. She's talking about the PiLs lying, insulting her, and the way her FiL spoke to her (assuming she's relaying the situation accurately, and that is all we can go on here) is absolutely not acceptable, especially when we're talking a serious safety issue. She's also said her older child hasn't spoken about Grandfather at all since this happened, with the implication that the child is not comfortable or at ease with the grandparent.

I'm sure they post in both, but in my experience the advice tends to be more nuanced in relationships. In AIBU people seem to treat it like a game show, should she LTB/go NC, hands on your buzzers, all vote now, the person with the fewest votes doesn't get to see their grandchildren again. People tend to forget that these are real people's lives we are discussing, and that they don't have the full picture when they give their verdict. AIBU is also more adversarial by nature. If everyone votes YANBU you win and if everyone votes YABU you lose, so you'd better tell the story that paints you in the best light.

I think the cup of tea is a red herring. Of course it's fine to tell someone, "Either you move your cup of tea or I move my child." But if every parent in 2025 went no contact with their parents or in laws every time they did something unsafe and didn't react well to being told off, we might as well remove the word "grandparents" from the dictionary. That's not what this thread is really about. The cup of boiling hot tea is merely the device the OP has chosen to employ to guarantee the "YANBU" response.

Out of sheer curiosity, do you think narcissistic sociopaths only post on AIBU and never on Relationships? I realise that comes over a bit sarky but honestly, it's not like anyone on AIBU is suspect and everyone o Relationships is genuine! :)

A lot of the posts on here make me wonder if they've ever seen a baby with severe burns. It's really not pretty. The agony of parents and child is terrible.

Jesus effing Christ.

SIL is that you?

Odd, isn't it? And even if that was the correct age profile, older women have generally had years of experience of their own relationships with in-laws to navigate.

Absolutely stand your ground. My DH owns our house but it’s my home and no fucking way is anyone coming into my safe place against my wishes, if DH dosnt agree we will be divorcing!

You need to sit DH down calmly and tell him you know it’s difficult for him but after 10 years of their nastiness you are no longer dealing with them, he needs to understand that if they are punishing him for your choices there is something fundamentally wrong. Don’t let it turn into an argument, if it dose drop it and come back to it when he’s calm.

Do you have access to his phone? Maybe sneak on there and set his algorithms to videos on abusive toxic parents.

The only thing I’d be worried about is letting your children see them without you, they are so young and your allowing them to be put in dangerous and abusive situations. I don’t know how you can do this without DHs support but they would have no contact with my children. For reference I’m Nc with my narc mother and 1 sibling, my children have had no contact with them since I went NC and never will. The difference is I had DHs support.

So you understand it’s hard for children of abusive parents to cut contact, even when they know they need to, that emotional and guilt cord is very very hard to sever, even if your DH fully supports you it can take years for him to finally get to the point of not caring. I’ve been NC for 7 years and even though I know I’ve done the right thing for me and my children I still have moments I struggle.