I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

YANBU
But also your DP needs counselling/therapy to learn how his parents are actually manipulating him etc….
Atm he is too much in the FOG and will push YOU to make amen (because it’s easier. You’re not going to withdraw your love, guilt trip him etc….)

I think some of us are pointing out they need to apologise as a barometer. If the guy can’t say sorry for shouting and making someone cry, what chance has he (or the MIL) got of greater things ie not being a dick in the future and treating the mother of their grandchildren with a speck of respect

So your FIL blew up over moving a cup of tea? And they don't like you very much? Is that it??? I mean, it just sounds like difficult/strained relationship with PIL - fine to minimise contact to reduce the annoyance of it, but nothing that demands huge levels of drama. I first misread your post that your FIL demanded your child go into next room for a smack - and I thought Oh dear, yes, NC sounds the right thing to do. But he actually said your DC needs to go next door for his snack? I think this is small silly stuff, that you have turned into big massive stuff - the NC is the thing that will damage your relationship with your husband and the relationship between your kids and their grandparents. It's an over reaction to an annoying, old-fashioned, un-self aware grandad who sounds emotionally incontinent - yes irritating but hardly the worst thing in the world. You can tell him not to shout and that he should butt out of your parenting style (or get your DH to tell him) but no need for NC. I'm someone who had a tricky relationship with MIL when my kids were very young - I did reduce my contact with her (helped by moving further away and now early teen kids getting older) but would never have dreamed of going NC. I don't mind seeing her now as it's limited but perfectly civil.

Well done OP. Far too often we are taught that because some people are family, then we have to accept whatever crap they dish out, because 'that is just the way they are' or 'they have always been like that' or that 'you have to be the bigger person' or 'let's not cause an issue' etc etc etc.

It is just a toxic way of enabling people to behave in a toxic manner. All that happens is that you end up tiptoeing around these people or holding resentment. That is not the foundations for a genuine loving relationship.

Well done for putting your children first. There is no excuse for your PILs to shout at you or your kids or undermine you.

Yes, it may have been a cup of tea incident - but I am willing to bet that this is not unusual behaviour or the first time it has happened.

You don't have to go full-on no contact with them, but your DH can tell them calmly that you understand that they have different parenting styles and you respect that but you and your family will not respond to shouting. After all, in the workplace shouting would be unacceptable and so it should be in the home.

Isn't it a bit OTT to ban your husbands parents from the house over an argument about a cup of tea?!

Agree 100pc with this.
Sometimes we have to be the bigger person for the sake of family harmony.
I talk from experience

You seem a little fixated on getting an apology. A forced apology is unlikely to be genuine so why demand it. You also talk in rather a dramatic way about your efforts in getting them to like you, why bother.
I would suggest distant politeness might work best in this situation, avoiding them where possible without the drama of going nc.

But 1) there were a lot of other incidents that the OP has spoken about and

2. keeping a 1 year old out of the way of a man who thinks it's fine to have a boiling hot cup of tea nearby -is- keeping keeping the child out of harm's way.

You keep saying you've had a bad experience with your SiL who gives a highly deceptive picture of events. But that doesn't mean that everyone does and at this point, you're actively ignoring reported actions such as major shouting around small children and dangerous levels of inattentiveness around hot drinks.

With respect (and I dont mean that in the american sense, I've seen you post elsewhere) I think you need to keep in mind that we never entirely know what's gone on unless we're there, but your experience with your SiL is quite possibly leading you to be very unfair to this particular person who is posting.

To be honest his family sound trashy and chavvy, I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. Just the fact half of his biological children are estranged, speaks volumes. Adults don’t cut their parents off over nothing, and the idiots trying to guilt trip you here should be ignored. Is OP really being a sensitive snowflake when half of this Neanderthal’s children have come to the same conclusion too?

I new my PILs before I dated their only son and all good. But when we started dating MIL changed. I was excluded from everything, she would joke & chat with him when he rang me (this was the days of landlines so he couldn’t just walk away) I believe to let me know ‘she was there’, tried to control everything, snarky comments (many behind my back, but some I heard) Came to a head with wedding plans when she tried to take over - long story, but she then rang us day before wedding and ranted down phone threatening not to attend. On wedding day, even our vicar said to me -outside church with me in tears - if you don’t walk down the aisle, she has won. NC with MIL after that (DH refused to talk to her too) and FIL too under her thumb to intervene. After 2 years I decided to to visit, so different - as I was in control. She is still self opinionated but i ignore her- I was lucky DH stood with me and didn’t waiver til I was ready - that makes so much difference. Stand your ground, you don’t need toxic people around you until you are ready and in control. Live your life

Yes I have a friend in her 60’s with a massive, disfiguring, burn scar all over her chest and shoulder from having pulled a hot cup of coffee onto herself as an infant. The damage can be both severe and extensive as the surface area is so tiny at that age.

Hello? Im 65 and wouldn’t shout at an in law, or in front of small children. Generational divide my left foot.

I suffered for over 40 years with a spiteful, malicious, manipulative MIL and BIL (FIL, a good man, died early in our relationship). Against that background, please put your foot down now. Set your boundaries now, with them and your husband. I would be a very different person had I not spent most of my adult life trying so hard, bending my head, ignoring it all for the sake of my husband and a quiet life. It is not about joint ownership - this is nonsense. All the family must feel safe and comfortable and respected in their home, not on edge. And nobody's wishes should override that. That's paramount.

And this can put a lot of strain on an otherwise good marriage. When you realise your husband would throw you under a bus rather than take responsibility for addressing you being treated badly...

A hot cup of tea could do horrible damage to a young child and the fact that he thinks a 1 year old could learn to avoid one rather than moving it out of reach is ridiculous.

I have batshit in-laws with bells on but they are entitled to hold opinions that differ from mine. They produced my DH between them and I live him so I put up with them and managed to actually cater about them despite their extended eccentricities ( and I mean them going NC for 10 years because I was not good enough for their son and he married me against their wishes plus disinheriting him for doing so) but we persevered and eventually found a way to spend time together and he was at his mum's bedside as she was dying and he has n no regrets and understands some of their difficulty with relationships was the way they were raised.
If you live DH and this is making him sad,I would try and find a way to rise above it. Your anecdote does not sound that awful compared to many in law experiences

I don’t think he should have shouted at you but it is a generational difference. Personally I agree it’s sensible to move hot drinks and warn children, but he’s from a different generation. I hate to say it but I’m guessing there may be a back story here where perhaps you’ve been OTT about safety and he’s lost his cool (excuse the pun) over something which is common sense.

It seems fair to be honest.

DH is rightly upset. It is an upsetting situation…

As Long you don’t prevent anyone to see anyone they want but it only is you that declines…well…they had it coming when he shouted. Maybe rethink things later on when you feel less disrespected and put down boundaries with them…
”I will not be shouted at, if it happens again I will take the children back home and we won’t be back shortly only when you accept you don’t raise your voice again to any of us.”

You do need to protect the children…

You, as a grown up don’t have to spend your free time with people you don’t wish to, for whatever reason regardless if your reaction is proportionate or not.
I wouldn’t ban them from the house but I wouldn’t plan on being there or if I was there, I would be polite but I wouldn’t be fawning over them providing cups of tea and food, that’s your DP’s job if he has invited/agreed for them to come over.
I wouldn’t arrange visits, contact etc but leave all your IL visits to your DP to arrange and be present for. He sounds fully switched on with any potential hazards as he moved the tea in the initial incident.
I don’t have a problem with my IL, but they are a little self centred. After trying to facilitate visits and realising that our children were being seen less and less because their own daughter had had children since ours arrived I simply gave up. I don’t phone them, arrange for them to come over for tea etc and because I stopped making any effort, that side of the family have probably seen our children twice in the last 9 months despite being only 20 mins away. I don’t prevent them from seeing them, coming over or joining us for activities, I just passed any organising for that side over to my DH to sort and he doesn’t….

So he knows what utter shits they've been but he still wants you to put up with it for his/their sake?

Nope.

Don't let him turn you into the bad guy, OP.

If they hadn't acted badly there wouldn't be barriers in place.

You mean showing her husband what toxic abusive parents look like without it coming from her so he can spot the signs himself, no different then leaving a few pamphlets around about std’s and domestic abuse in the old days. And keeping children away from aggressive abusive adults who don’t care about the safety of children. Ok then 🙄

You are wonderful OP! I really mean that! You are handling these weird people bleating “what about my SIL” with absolute grace.

All of it, really, but the suggestion that the OP should tamper with her husband's phone, and inciting her to stop her children having any contact with their grandparents at all were particular lows.

Can you please explain what is exactly horrible?

I'd like you to hear her version too because it's absolutely batshit.

OP I have been in a similar situation and went down a similar route - I just couldn't cope with them anymore. OH was free to take kids to visit as long as he stayed with them - and did Sunday mornings for a while when they were younger. This gradually wore off as the kids got older and chose for themselves. It's been over 20 years now and things have mellowed - I did get an apology about 5 years ago but the relationship was broken. They are invited to special occasions and I will be polite but that's it. OH visits probably monthly and talks on phone. Children are adults now so eldest visits 3/4 times a year and the youngest doesn't. Although it has been hard at times it was the best decision I made.