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Original poster

Moral Dilemma - neighbour

35 replies

Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 12:07

Used to have a friendly (chat in the street, very occasional coffee) relationship with my neighbour. We have done some building works recently. Neighbour pretty obnoxious about the works, which surprised us. At one point, they even tried to stop the works- our party wall surveyor said that if they continued, to call the police. Only lasted a day, but was very stressful and awkward afterwards. Obviously did not want to call the police on my neighbour- how can you be friendly after that. Works nearly over, but neighbour was then abusive (swearing) at our builder. I feel sorry for the neighbour in some ways, as clearly they cannot cope, but I'm also sick of the sense of entitlement and rudeness.

So my dilemma is this: my neighbour has a porch at the back of their house that was built without planning permission. In a moment of frustration, I talked to the planning department who said if I reported it, it is likely they would request that the neighbour take it down. The porch in question does not bother me at all, but I am tired of being at the brunt of my neighbour's unreasonableness. Do I go high and just move on, or should I report them to teach them a lesson?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 14:37

Namechang44 · 26/09/2025 13:24

After having witnessed the unbelievable stress and noise a friend went through while works were carried out on her neighbours property, I sympathise with your neighbour. You are getting lovely home works and that makes it bearable for you, your neighbour gets nothing but inconvenience. You sound awful.

Forgot to copy you. As my neighbour could now do this work- they could sell their house for about 30k more, so they have got something out of it.
Am going to try to move on and will not do anything.

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Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 14:34

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 26/09/2025 14:02

I think the right thing to do is ignore and let it settle. However, you can still dream and pretend to get revenge for the rudeness!! It might make you feel better.

does the new building block their light or change their privacy at all? I just wonder why they’re so annoyed if it’s not about the noise.

Thanks. I'm going to move on - well, try very hard.

It does block light for about 10 minutes in the morning. I think it is just the change , any change, they can't cope with. Single person living alone.
Hopefully when the builders leave (v soon I hope- ie days) it will settle down.

OP posts:
rainbowsandraspberrygin · 26/09/2025 14:02

I think the right thing to do is ignore and let it settle. However, you can still dream and pretend to get revenge for the rudeness!! It might make you feel better.

does the new building block their light or change their privacy at all? I just wonder why they’re so annoyed if it’s not about the noise.

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 13:49

.ours is also quite an unusual situation in that I also got planning permission for the whole block to build- only if they want to. So essentially I have increased my neighbour's house price by about 30k should they want to sell.

Anyway- I do appreciate the other posts- let it go, onwards and upwards!.

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dairydebris · 26/09/2025 13:28

TalulahJP · 26/09/2025 12:44

I’d go the other way to try and make the peace by takimg round a bunch of flowers and a thank you (for putting up with the building noise) card.

That way they should be back on track. Kill them with kindness
If they are still horrid then you know youve done all you could to be nice. I wouldn’t report the porch what’s the point.
However if they are still nasty after the flowers I’d mention it along the lines of “I appreciate the building noise was inconvenient for you and im sorry about that but I didn’t complain about the building noise for your illegal porch so you might want to cut me some slack”

This is the correct advice ☺️.

Don't start a neighbor dispute. Its no fun gor anyone.

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 13:27

My neighbour is doing a lot if internal works themselves. It is not the noise that bothers them, rather the existence of a 'new building'.

OP posts:
Namechang44 · 26/09/2025 13:24

After having witnessed the unbelievable stress and noise a friend went through while works were carried out on her neighbours property, I sympathise with your neighbour. You are getting lovely home works and that makes it bearable for you, your neighbour gets nothing but inconvenience. You sound awful.

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 13:18

Yes we lost some money when they delayed the building work for a day-unlawfully according to both party wall surveyors. They were difficult about the party wall agreement- taking ages to agree it- which cost us 5k and we could have lost the builder. I do appreciate that legally they are entitled to do that- as such we never mentioned it.

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TheatricalLife · 26/09/2025 13:15

Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 13:11

Thanks for this and all these messages. I just needed to be told, head high and move on. I just feel frustrated and disappointed sometimes, as when you have good neighbours it is amazing and I csn never understand why someone would throw that away.

I do get the frustration.
Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and leave it, more for your own sake than theirs. I'm sure you don't want to prolong arguments and would rather just enjoy your house now.
We have nice neighbours, but they've definitely pissed us off on occasion. You have to pick your battles and think of the future (as in either a future sale or just living peacefully). Would reporting the porch be satisfying? Yes, probably for a bit, until they realise it was obviously you and it all becomes tit for tat. Then it's months of bullshit. Not worth it.

wfhwfh · 26/09/2025 13:15

Octonaut4Life · 26/09/2025 12:12

That would be a foolish thing to do and would completely burn your bridges. Just keep it up your sleeve and if they ever do start being aggressive again you can tell them you're aware the porch isn't compliant but as a good neighbour you have not reported it, but that if they don't back off, you'll report it.

This is exactly what I was going to say. You don’t really want to report them and have them face the tough consequences. What you really want is them to be reasonable and considerate neighbours - especially given you know they should be worrying about their own building works and not yours.

This makes it perfectly clear.

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 13:11

Thanks for this and all these messages. I just needed to be told, head high and move on. I just feel frustrated and disappointed sometimes, as when you have good neighbours it is amazing and I csn never understand why someone would throw that away.

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TheatricalLife · 26/09/2025 12:57

Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 12:49

Yes we met, listened and tried to reason with our neighbour, but interactions often were met with brusque replies and latterly swearing.

Show quote history

You tried. Don't bother again. Just finish the work and move on. If you see them in passing, be civil. Doesn't mean you've given in, you've just taken the high road. It's honestly not worth prolonging an argument, particularly if they are volatile. I'd rather just accept they were twats, have a neutral relationship with them and forget it.

Londontown12 · 26/09/2025 12:56

If u argue with neighbours and start reporting u will have to declare this if u ever want to sell
up and move ! So I would say rise above it and ignore !

vivainsomnia · 26/09/2025 12:55

Yes we met, listened and tried to reason with our neighbour, but interactions often were met with brusque replies and latterly swearing
So clearly they were not happy about some matters related to work and in the end, you decided they were u reasonable and ignored them. And now you want to punish them for daring to raise some objections?

Unless they were totally unreasonable and caused you to lose money due to their actions, why do you want to do something that could potentially cost them a lot?

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 12:49

vivainsomnia · 26/09/2025 12:31

Neighbour pretty obnoxious about the works, which surprised us
What do you mean by obnoxious? What did they complain about? Maybe their complaints were perfectly valid. At least to her. Did you bother to listen to her?

As for considering reporting her...gosh, you sound like the neighbour from hell!

Yes we met, listened and tried to reason with our neighbour, but interactions often were met with brusque replies and latterly swearing.

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ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/09/2025 12:44

Don’t do it. Be civil towards them. Hold your head high and go about your business. No need to pour fuel on the fire. It will just make the whole thing worse. Smile and act like you don’t care.

TalulahJP · 26/09/2025 12:44

I’d go the other way to try and make the peace by takimg round a bunch of flowers and a thank you (for putting up with the building noise) card.

That way they should be back on track. Kill them with kindness
If they are still horrid then you know youve done all you could to be nice. I wouldn’t report the porch what’s the point.
However if they are still nasty after the flowers I’d mention it along the lines of “I appreciate the building noise was inconvenient for you and im sorry about that but I didn’t complain about the building noise for your illegal porch so you might want to cut me some slack”

SapphOhNo · 26/09/2025 12:44

In what way obnoxious, what have they done?

BlueandPinkSwan · 26/09/2025 12:42

Cross post, sorry. They sound a pita, just crack on.

TheatricalLife · 26/09/2025 12:42

What were the issues with the work? Was it the noise, proximity to their property, the party wall part?
I'd not bother with any retribution if it's calmed down and is nearly done. Adding fuel to the fire isn't going to help and could lead to further issues. Finish up and get on with your life. Hopefully you can go back to some kind of civil relationship.

SophiaSW1 · 26/09/2025 12:41

I’d keep that option in your back pocket in case you feel it’s needed at a later date!

BlueandPinkSwan · 26/09/2025 12:41

How much work are you having done? Is it noisy or intrusive? Might not bother you but she is clearly pissed off about something.
The porch is your powder so keep it dry for now.

Original poster
Dreamofholidays · 26/09/2025 12:40

Thanks for the responses. It is really petty, I know, but I feel at the end of my tether with the rudeness.
Our neighbour is doing quite a lot of noisy internal building works themselves, so it isnt the noise of the works that bothers them, rather the change to the shape of our building (we have planning permission).

We live in a conservation area and that's why planning said they'd likely ŕequest the porch was taken down.

I've never actually responded to the rudeness, but am starting to wonder how I can bring myself to even say hello in the street again.

I think we do need to just wait til Al the works are over and let things calm down.

OP posts:
Catwalking · 26/09/2025 12:38

Try ignoring & leave it a while after builder has left.…if nastiness continues or gets worse, just suggest you know this porch ‘thing’?

vivainsomnia · 26/09/2025 12:31

Neighbour pretty obnoxious about the works, which surprised us
What do you mean by obnoxious? What did they complain about? Maybe their complaints were perfectly valid. At least to her. Did you bother to listen to her?

As for considering reporting her...gosh, you sound like the neighbour from hell!