Page 2 | AIBU to think this is completely inappropriate? Dance school asking paying customers for money for the owner's baby gift

edme · 2025-09-26T10:22:04+00:00

My DD attends a dance school - it's once a week, and we pay the fees like normal paying customers. It's a successful dance school with lots of regular and one-off classes, clearly good business acumen, 10-20 teachers. The owner has just had a baby, which is lovely news obviously. But then we got this email from the dance school itself asking all parents to contribute towards flowers and a gift for the owner during her maternity leave - they even suggested an amount (around £5-10!). The email said things like "a few parents have asked if we're arranging a collection" and "this is a way to show our care and thanks for how hard she's worked." And they call us their "family". I was already thinking this was a bit off - we're paying customers, not employees! We already show our appreciation by paying for the classes. If some parents wanted to organise something independently, fine, but the business itself asking customers for money to buy a gift for the owner? I totally expected them to back off. Instead, a week later, we've now had a reminder email chasing people who haven't donated yet! It says things like "if you've already donated, thank you" and "if you'd still like to take part" despite claiming "no pressure at all." They want us to transfer money to the teacher's personal bank account (seems like the sister of the owner) and provide our names and messages. AIBU to think this is completely tone-deaf and inappropriate? It feels like they're treating paying customers like employees who owe the boss a gift, and then chasing us up about it. I actually think asking employees for money to gift the boss is also inappropriate, but that's worse/ What would you do? I'm genuinely baffled... Maybe I'm in the wrong and this is completely normal behaviour for businesses, or schools aimed at children? But it just feels so inappropriate to me!

Octavia64 · 26/09/2025 12:40

Sounds fine to me.

many of these sorts of activities rely on a lot of people putting in extra time and that time that is paid is often not particularly well paid.

my DD danced for a few years and although we were paying it clearly wasn’t profit making much of at all and we got to know the teacher very well.

Original poster

edme · 26/09/2025 12:38

OhDear111 · 26/09/2025 12:29

@edme We might give something to a teacher in similar circumstances. It’s not tone deaf at all as it’s voluntary. If you aren’t interested, ignore it. Others are presumably interested so let them be. You sound a bit jealous and obviously think the school owner is rich so isn’t deserving of a kind gesture.

If I sound jealous, then I worded my post very badly!
I don't think the owner is more well off than me, but I know other mums who are significantly less well off than the owner or myself. So maybe it's similar to a "white saviour" syndrome, and I'm upset in the place of those who I think are offended?
So here's my assumption: I think those who are not offended are those for whom giving £5-10 to another similarly well off person is fine and would expect the same, and maybe they are not considering that not everyone is equally well off.

OP posts:

ComfortFoodCafe · 26/09/2025 12:37

I would ignore. Highly inappropriate of then.

Original poster

edme · 26/09/2025 12:35

Shakemesexy · 26/09/2025 12:33

Is it a big school? If 100 people gave £10 that would be £1000!! Lots of flowers

Yes it is, several hundred children attend, but mostly once a week.

OP posts:

SwanRivers · 26/09/2025 12:34

edme · 26/09/2025 11:52

I think it's fine to do collections for volunteers like Beaver's leads and charities, and teachers at school, but not to successful business owners, no matter how much they want to give the impression we are a "family".
Also I think suggesting an amount (£5-£10) is making it really appropriate. I think sending out a virtual card to sign, or bringing in a card to class to sign would have been a lovely idea, or explicitly asking for a small amount of money for flowers would have been also bad.
I think suggesting a £5-£10 is particularly tone deaf.

Some parents asked if there was a collection, so they did a collection.

I really don't know what you're getting bent out of shape for.

Those parents got what they wanted and if you don't want to donate, then you get what you want too 🤷‍♂️

Shakemesexy · 26/09/2025 12:33

Is it a big school? If 100 people gave £10 that would be £1000!! Lots of flowers

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:31

edme · 26/09/2025 12:24

There's a difference between privately asking other parents "what should we give?" and having the business itself suggest an amount in a mass email.

Thinking about it, I'm not offended. I think it's tone-deaf, so I'm surprised. I think it's inappropriate, so I'm confused, baffled, but no, not offended.

Show quote history

I can't see any significant difference at all. It's still an open invitation. Nothing tone-deaf about it all.

OhDear111 · 26/09/2025 12:29

@edme We might give something to a teacher in similar circumstances. It’s not tone deaf at all as it’s voluntary. If you aren’t interested, ignore it. Others are presumably interested so let them be. You sound a bit jealous and obviously think the school owner is rich so isn’t deserving of a kind gesture.

Original poster

edme · 26/09/2025 12:24

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:04

If they'd not suggested an amount they'd probably have people moaning they didn't know what to do and asking everyone else how much they were contributing.

Donate or don't. It's no skin of anyone's nose but but this idea of being offended just by being invited to do something is very OTT to me.

Show quote history

There's a difference between privately asking other parents "what should we give?" and having the business itself suggest an amount in a mass email.

Thinking about it, I'm not offended. I think it's tone-deaf, so I'm surprised. I think it's inappropriate, so I'm confused, baffled, but no, not offended.

OP posts:

ClaredeBear · 26/09/2025 12:15

It’s fine and a chaser wouldn’t be unusual, just to prompt those who wanted to contribute then forgot all about it. Just don’t contribute. It’s great when someone else organises it.

blueliner · 26/09/2025 12:05

After the second email I'd fake a return to responder email
"this email address doesn't exist" type of thing

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 12:04

edme · 26/09/2025 11:52

I think it's fine to do collections for volunteers like Beaver's leads and charities, and teachers at school, but not to successful business owners, no matter how much they want to give the impression we are a "family".
Also I think suggesting an amount (£5-£10) is making it really appropriate. I think sending out a virtual card to sign, or bringing in a card to class to sign would have been a lovely idea, or explicitly asking for a small amount of money for flowers would have been also bad.
I think suggesting a £5-£10 is particularly tone deaf.

If they'd not suggested an amount they'd probably have people moaning they didn't know what to do and asking everyone else how much they were contributing.

Donate or don't. It's no skin of anyone's nose but but this idea of being offended just by being invited to do something is very OTT to me.

SumUp · 26/09/2025 12:02

Depends how it’s phrased.

Something like this wouldn’t be a problem for me,

Debbie will be on maternity leave shortly. Several parents have asked to contribute towards some flowers and a gift for the baby. If you would like to contribute too, please make your donation and leave a message for Debbie at the following link: Xxxxxx

Dutchhouse14 · 26/09/2025 12:00

I think a collection for a dance teacher/dance school owner is fine, some parents would want to contribute but I think its been handled clumsily.
At my daughters dance school their was collections for the dance teachers in occasionally for life events or if they left.
I'm assuming the owner also teaches?
They could have put a sign up in reception, and maybe also sent an email asking with the news and saying if anyone would like a add message on a card /contribute to a gift please contact x

moresoup · 26/09/2025 11:53

As long as no-one is singled out for not donating it's fine.
My daughter dances 5 days a week at her dance school,.she's been going since she was 4. She calls it her other family and it is very much a second home to her. The principal of the school and the core teachers have been a constant thought her life (unlike school teachers who change regularly) and I have made firm friends with the other dance mums as well. It's not just a clinical business.

Foolsgold74 · 26/09/2025 11:53

I'm just astounded at how entitled and hard faced people can be. Who on earth thinks they're special or important enough that random people would want to contribute money towards a gift for them. I'm embarrassed for them.

Original poster

edme · 26/09/2025 11:52

I think it's fine to do collections for volunteers like Beaver's leads and charities, and teachers at school, but not to successful business owners, no matter how much they want to give the impression we are a "family".
Also I think suggesting an amount (£5-£10) is making it really appropriate. I think sending out a virtual card to sign, or bringing in a card to class to sign would have been a lovely idea, or explicitly asking for a small amount of money for flowers would have been also bad.
I think suggesting a £5-£10 is particularly tone deaf.

OP posts:

Pharazon · 26/09/2025 11:49

mindutopia · 26/09/2025 11:40

I think it’s fine. It’s like organising a gift for a leader in an activity. One of dc’s Beavers leaders left over the summer as she was moving away for a job. There was a little collection and card that went around for her. Fine, it’s a nice gesture for someone your dc knows and who supports them in doing something they enjoy.

I wouldn’t be offended and I wouldn’t feel pressured to contribute if I didn’t want to.

Beavers leaders are volunteers who give up their time and energy to help children.

Hardly the same as the owner of a profit-making business.

waterrat · 26/09/2025 11:48

I think you are over reacting

Parents have asked if there is a collection, one of her colleagues is just saying - chip in here - and literally saying 'no pressure'

I wouldnt give it a second thought and would feel zero pressure!

OriginalSkang · 26/09/2025 11:48

I think its fine and the chaser is fine too. I just delete

If they chased me personally in a kind of "we notice you haven't donated" way I'd be pretty fucking pissed off though

PurpleChrayn · 26/09/2025 11:48

Awful. Totally inappropriate.

In my experience, commercial dance schools are nasty little cults of personality surrounding some chav failed-ballerina with ideas above her station.

Crunchymum · 26/09/2025 11:46

Collection (in theory) is fine.

Chaser I'm on the fence. As long as it wasn't too pushy I'd just continue to ignore.

Advising on amount, no way and putting money into someone's account - Hell no. I'd expect they use one of those websites like Viing.

DappledThings · 26/09/2025 11:44

Don't see a problem here. Our dance school asks everyone to contribute to flowers and a gift for the owner at the annual show. I don't want to contribute so I don't. Weird to be offended by it being an option.

SwanRivers · 26/09/2025 11:42

Nothing wrong with it.

Parents have asked if there's a collection so they've organised it.

Just ignore if you don't want to give.

It's fine.

mindutopia · 26/09/2025 11:40

I think it’s fine. It’s like organising a gift for a leader in an activity. One of dc’s Beavers leaders left over the summer as she was moving away for a job. There was a little collection and card that went around for her. Fine, it’s a nice gesture for someone your dc knows and who supports them in doing something they enjoy.

I wouldn’t be offended and I wouldn’t feel pressured to contribute if I didn’t want to.