To think that on average women ARE less keen on casual sex? (NB. I have no objections to casual sex if ethical)

I have read Mumsnet many years on and off as a man, interesting threads , good to see things from a female perspective especially on the feminism board.,but one thing I wouldn't do is comment on womens sex drive , experiences etc because I am not female, so conversely don't think you have any authority to make any simplistic comments on male sex drives

Yes, that's true. But that's not really what I was saying. Let's say this is a happy marriage, the woman loves her husband and is pretty content with her sex life (this scenario does still exist)! If under those circumstances a bloke at the gym slips her his phone number (even if he was gorgeous) I'd don't think she'd go for it. Whereas I think a man with similar life circumstances would. Or at least he'd certainly think about it.

Edited to say, I'm not saying the woman wouldn't be flattered but I don't think her first thought would be to book a hotel room and get her knickers off - and not just for safety reasons.

I think men just boast about casual sex more than women do, women are more likely to keep it to themselves whereas men want to be seen as some kind of don and are also likely to exaggerate numbers.

I see how some women on MN get het up about other women here having ONS/FB/FWB, telling them that they have low self esteem or low self respect or are “sluts” (hate that misogynistic word). It’s almost as if they’re worried that these more sexually adventurous women may lure their men away. They also appear to find it impossible to believe that women do not have a hive mind and that some do not catch feelings.

I’ve had a fair bit of casual sex in my past and if I became single again, I would probably do it again. I like feelings-free sex.

At 19 I had plenty of casual sex, as did my friends. It was the 70s and pre-aids. Was recklessly unaware of risk other than pregnancy.
Wouldn't do it now if I had my time again because so much is different.

It’s more than you think, they are just better at hiding it. Women get very bored in marriage and men think their sex drive is gone but it can be reawakened in a second by someone else.

Sure, but a higher sex drive doesn't predispose you to more casual sex. They could just wank more (and do).

Testosterone does drive impulsivity, though, so it probably does in that respect.

I don't think it's risk vs reward at all, it's just biology. Men have far more testosterone, when you have more of this you have a higher sex drive. It's like saying women can't build muscle the same way or run as fast because of "society". Or that men can't fall pregnant because of "risk vs reward". It's not that, our bodies are totally different.

I'm not sure it isn't simply that women are far more discreet, @ginasevern. The gym may be a moot point (though one I attended was shag city central) but surely you've heard about women and the tennis coach, the yoga teacher and the tour guide??

I'd like to flip this question a little and ask how many women would have casual sex if they were happily married. Experience informs me that a high percentage of men would but that the majority of women wouldn't. So let's say a married man is propositioned at the gym. I think he'd go for it if he thought he wouldn't get caught. But a woman in the same situation probably wouldn't and I don't think it's just for personal safety reasons.

It’s a risk/reward thing I suppose. Higher risks for women (pregnancy, personal safety etc) for lower reward potential (orgasm gap).

I know a lot of cod psychology about women is pretty sexist and inaccurate. But my gut feeling is that on average women probably DO like casual sex less. For one thing, while some promiscuity does have some evolutionary benefit for species like birds, generally it benefits a man more evolutionarily to have casual sex more than it does a woman.
Obvs evopsych isn't the only think motivating people by a long shot, but it does have some truth I think.

So cod evopsych is sexist and inaccurate and the reality is more complex... but you're basing your whole thread on it anyway?

Are your actions motivated by how it benefits you "evolutionarily" - all your actions, not just your sex life? Do you not have a rational brain that overrides your impulses? Are you not more consciously motivated by what will bring you success in the society we actually live in?

I am so tired of people who give evopsych any credence at all. It doesn't stand up to the slightest bit of rational thinking.

Anyway what men and women SAY they want regarding casual sex and what they actually DO want is very different in my experience. I've slept with men who are all talk about being players but their deepest darkest secret is that they hankered after sex in a relationship much more. And I know plenty of women, including myself, who had (and enjoyed) a great deal more casual sex than they ever let the people in their social circle know about. Because everyone is different and gender is not the only thing that determines our sexual desires.

I think for most people, one's appetite for casual sex is very situational as well. It literally varied from week to week for me.

I'd have had a lot more of it had it not been for the danger factor though.

How patronising. It's not reliving your youth to enjoy sex. It's far more likely they have free time now children are off hand and they've got rid of disappointing long term partners.

Its not quite the same to me; masturbation and anonymous sex, but not far off. So, if men seek more anonymous sex than females, whats that about other than feeling safer due to male violence and more entitled? I think its due to fragility and ego. I think men think they are more desirable/handsome/worthy etc if an anonymous woman agrees to accept their penis. That makes it a requirement of a needy ego rather than sex drive to me.

Masturbation just isn’t the same as a decent ONS for me. Maybe the risk is part of the excitement.

I've thought about this - for me, the issue with casual sex is I may as well be masterbating - if there's no feelings involved, then why am I bothering with all the hassle that comes with another human - they might 'catch feelings', good sex isn't guaranteed, it might even be dangerous, or I might catch something or get pregnant. Much easier to do it myself at that point

Argh, uncontrolled use of asterisks there, apologies.

I agree with @Thepeopleversuswork. I do think that female sex ‘drive’ is as a whole lower than male sex drive but I also think it looks different. Would I pay for someone to do something to my genitals for ten minutes - no I wouldn’t. Would I pay for someone to caress my hair or face or or massage my body for an hour - yes I would, and I frequently do*. I think that kind of sensual experience is just as sexual, but it doesn’t look like male sexuality so it isn’t included in statistics.

Also if I want that, and I sometimes have done, I can get it for free pretty easily. Whereas *if I wanted to get someone to just bathe me in sensuality for an hour, I appear to have to pay - men don’t see the point.

I think speaking in average terms women are built different to men. It makes sense from an evolutionary behavioural, risk/ reward and self preservation point of view.

Yes I think gay mens behaviour is also due to patriarchy. Men feeling a huge sense of entitlement to have their ' needs' met without much empathy cuts across sexual preferences. In a way that women dont have that entitlement regardless of sexuality too.

It’s a complex situation, OP, and I don’t think that there is any one single answer, not least because “women” as a group encompasses infinite possibilities of personality, age, life stage, employment & economic status, and a myriad of other factors.
Personally, yes I have enjoyed varied ONS sex at various stages of my life. However I would not even dream of it (!) now, at nearly 60, in a committed LTR and with a huge set of responsibilities.
I suspect that, as a youth, I was sometimes blithely unaware of the dangers of 1:1 ONS - tbh as a more mature woman I’m a little shocked at some of the situations!
It was part of a rebellion against the world, for sure, but there was pleasure there too!

Yes just because we aren’t having orgies in saunas or meeting in toilets must mean we are less sexual. But put us with the right person where we can feel some safety and control.. and woah. Men are just generally less risk averse