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Original poster

Furious with son and hid girlfriend

86 replies

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 01:01

DS mid 20's has been with GF a couple of years. Known each other since school. DS is ASD and although very clever, he does struggle with navigating relationships.
We all like GF, he is crazy about her always saying how amazing she is etc.She is very successful and moved away for a new job, he initially spent a lot of time with her as she was lonely. She has settled in now, and he sees her every other week for 4 or 5 days, usually travelling to her she comes to him once ior twice a month, and visits family and friends at the same time.
.He pays her "keep"when he stays half the bills and food, but also gives her money towards her mortgage. I reduced his rent at home as he is only here half the time. I was a bit surprised when i found out how much he gives her each month. I said i did think it was fair to pay half the bills and food when he's there, but thought paying towards the mortgage wasn't very fair. She also stays at ours a fair bit and i wouldn't dream of asking for anything.
last weekend we had a family dinner with all his siblings and she was joking, but being quite nasty about him. I didn't say anything but my DD said to me she was uncomfortable and felt the comments derogatory.
Suddenly he announces they have decided mutually to see other people. I am certain this is her choice, as he is besotted with her. He invited a girl (an old friend round) i said i felt uncomfortable, but he said GF was seeing other people also. I am really cross as i feel she is taking advantage of him, and i think he's going to get hurt. I am feeling really angry and don't really want her round here anymore. We have anyways treated her as one of the family. I cant tell him what to do but i am worried about him being taken advantage of. Am i being unreasonable not wanting to welcome her in my home any more? I also worry that his friend (who has always liked him) will get hurt as i think he's just inviting her round so he can say its a.mutual thing with the GF. Do i try and talk to him, or let him get on with it? Should i carry on letting her stay here, what do i do about the friend coming round. I just feel uncomfortable in my own home. I don't want to alienate him, we get along well, but im worried about him and angry with her it seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it, i just want to tell him to call it a day, if she wants to see other people she clearly don't have respect for him. Sorry about the rant.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 26/09/2025 03:21

You’d be unreasonable not to welcome her anymore.

they’re all like this these days - polyamory, polycule, blah blah blah, it seems to be fashionable.

Nextweektoo · 26/09/2025 03:17

Definitely talk to him one to one to feel out how he views the situation. Then maybe gently offer advice based on that. He would be a bit more vulnerable than your average 20 something owing to his ASD and possibly missing when she is insulting him etc

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2025 03:00

MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 02:48

I don't think she should stick with him, if she doesn't want to be with him she should end it not this messing about.
Also he cannot afford to move out on his own, so thats not an option.

Maybe she should. The question is whether is anything to do with you.

I know it’s hard with a ND kid myself. But they have to make their own mistakes.

I’d also advise you to cool the ‘like part of the family’ over investment in GFs at this age. They are not part of the family and treating them like they are leads to your feelings getting hurt, not just his.

Original poster
MyLoyalAmberHelper · 26/09/2025 02:48

I don't think she should stick with him, if she doesn't want to be with him she should end it not this messing about.
Also he cannot afford to move out on his own, so thats not an option.

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 26/09/2025 02:45

Up the rent so he can’t afford to help her to pay her mortgage or ask him to move out. That’s all you can do.

TeddySchnauzer · 26/09/2025 02:36

It’s none of your business!

MySweetMaggie · 26/09/2025 02:27

I wonder if it might be time for him to move out? I would feel really uncomfortable in that situation too.

Agapornis · 26/09/2025 01:47

Remember when 'seeing other people' was code for breaking up, rather than having an open relationship? Or maybe breaking up was what she meant but he misinterpreted it. I feel old and I'm only late 30s.

You don't have to accommodate his open relationship/throuple/whatever. He can go stay the night and have dinners somewhere else. I'd tell him to get his part of the mortgage back though. Bit stupid of his (ex)gf that he didn't just pay rent - surely it now means he has a stake in it.

DeathStare · 26/09/2025 01:45

I think their relationship is between them and its not your place to intervene. Yes he may get hurt, but most relationships end and most if us get hurt at some point. It's part of life.

Having said that, I don't think you would be unreasonable to say that only committed, exclusive partners can stay at your house. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with my adult DC bringing home constantly changing partners. If that's what they want to do, then I don't disapprove as such (it's not my business) but I wouldn't be comfortable having a revolving door of partners in my personal space.

Morningsleepin · 26/09/2025 01:15

So you think his gf should stick with him because he is besotted? I understand that you probably feel more protective of him because of his autism but you cannot interfere so much in his relationships

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2025 01:11

I think the water’s are a little muddy because of his ASD. 20-somethings a re supposed to mess about, make bad decisions and learn things from them. Mostly without their mum voicing an opinion. But because of his added vulnerability, you see more of a role for yourself.

Chances are this one will burn out, he’ll get his heart broken and eventually move on. If he loses a bit of money on the way, or messes around with a mate, as long as everyone consents, it’s fine. Not great but fine.

I do note that you’re assuming he’s lying about the relationship thing. All the young people I know are having complicated poli-nonsense relationships. It’s the zeitgeist in some places. I think they’re all insane but it’s a culture, not just one person deciding.