Furious with son and hid girlfriend

Are the other person/ people she is seeing also contributing to her bills and mortgage? 🤣

I would have a chat with your son about having his own boundaries about what is ok/ not ok (including gf not speaking to him or about him kindly) and encourage the confidence to speak up if a situation is moving in a direction he's not fully happy with. You can mention the power imbalance if one person is controlling the narrative of a relationship/ finances etc. On the back of that I'd mention how important it is that he's honest/ fair with any other people he's having a relationship with.

You are WAY too involved in your adult sons private life.

It's plenty of her business when this shit show is playing out under her roof and involving her somewhat vulnerable son.

Are people honestly so laissez faire about their families?

I would have a conversation with him on his own and just ask how he’s feeling about the Chang win the relationship, and perhaps drop a few very relaxed lines about how people can sometimes feel pressured to go along with things to make other people happy and you just want to check he’s happy because it’s a surprise given how in love he’s been with GF up to now. He’ll probably throw you off and say it’s fine and he’s happy but at least you’ve put the words out there. I’d probably also comment on being careful about investing money into something that might not last.
as others have said you’re perfectly entitled to say you only want long term committed partners to stay over, he might be having an open relationship but you aren’t.

We all learn by making mistakes, especially when we’re young. He’s an adult. It’s hard seeing children do things you know are likely to end badly but it’s his life. When did your parents ever tell you what to do and you listened?! My mum was fond of “by the time you know I’m right, I’ll be dead”. She’s still here so she was only half right with that statement but I certainly never acted on her advice.

Also, many young people have open/polyamorous relationships. It’s not that unusual. Let him get on with it without your opinions voiced and be there with a sympathetic ear if he gets hurt. Definitely don’t criticise the gf!

In your shoes I’d be pleased at any indication they were breaking up,tbh. Otherwise, what @MrsTerryPratchett said.

I think you’re right there, but what pressure is your son putting on her? You say he’s besotted. She may experience that rather more extremely.

OP if you’re right and it’s the GF who wants the open relationship, you need to take an old adage on board. When a partner suggests seeing other people it’s a good indication that they already are. And it strongly suggests that your son is not what she wants long term so she’s started looking elsewhere. I also think the fact that your son has stuck with the familiar, and is seeing someone he already knew and considered a friend, instead of exploring the possibility of someone new, is very telling. It doesn’t sound as though he’s ready to move on.

l understand you’re protective of him, but l wouldn’t interfere beyond telling him that you’re there for him if/when he needs you, and l would also put in boundaries so that his expectation of what’s acceptable as far as bringing other girlfriends home is clear, but from what you’ve said it seems unlikely there’s going to be a revolving door situation.

As hard as it is, l think you should take a step back and let him sort this out for himself, but keep an eye on things - you know your son best so you’ll pick up on any unusual behaviour suggesting problems. I would also have a conversation about money. As others have said, if he’s contributing to her mortgage he may have an interest in her property, which could prove problematic when they inevitably split.

Hmmmmm, I think you need to talk to your DS to try to help him understand that the way his GF is behaving will leave him heart broken. Really, he should end it.

But you say he is besotted with her. I think that’s a heavy burden for her. She’s not behaving ideally or even well, but she’s 20 and may not want to hurt him. It looks like she wants out, but his obsession with her may mean she feels constrained. She may be experiencing his besottedness as borderline controlling but doesn’t have the language or experience to articulate that, so “seeing other people” is her clumsy way of getting out of the relationship.

I think you’re within your moral/ethical rights and your care for your DS not to want her in your home, but I don’t think it’s simple. Your son’s emotional clumsiness - he’s besotted, which can be hard to bear by the other person - is part of the muddled situation.

Exactly this. And while she has him dancing to her tune, funding her mortgage, he can't pay as much at his home, let alone save to be able to move out himself.

It very much is OP's business as it is impacting her household and making her uncomfortable in her own home.

A conversation with him about how he is feeling about it is needed, to help him decide for himself if this is really what he wants.

I'd tell him to do what he wants but don't bring anyone back here including his "girlfriend". Only when he's in a serious one to one relationship can he start introducing them to family. That way you don't ever get involved in his experimental mess. If he questions it tell him, it's my house and my rules.

Having two children in their 20s I would say butt out. It really is up to him to navigate this not you.

I would be less concerned about seeing other people and more concerned about how much he is paying this woman.

I would be discussing the financial part of this before anything else.

You need to stand back and bite your tongue but be there if your son asks for support from you.
Don’t risk damaging your relationship with your son, don’t disparage this girl …. ever - they may get married and/or have your grandchildren in the future.
Perhaps his girlfriend is trying to let him down gently as she must realise he is besotted with her. Seeing other people is a huge indication that she is looking for someone else, sadly.

You are over involved in this. This is your sons journey to go on. Most people in their early twenties go thru this type of drama. It's a learning curve. I think you need to take a step back.

I got the impression that what OP wants is for her son to break up with this girl who seems not to value him.

Have you tried having his sister talk to him? Would that help at all? This kind of thing often doesn't go over well when it comes from Mum.

In your position I would stay well out of it.

I think that you’re missing a piece of the puzzle here, but that even if you had it saying anything negative about the girlfriend is going to be tricky.

The bit I think you’re missing, because he’s your son and you feel that he’s home, is the answer to the question “why is he seeing her like this?”

Why is he only there for 5 days a fortnight if he’s paying towards the mortgage? Has she limited or has he? Why is he still coming home so much? Why isn’t he paying 50 percent and living there?

Sorry OP but I think your son's ASD isn't really relevant here.

He is young. He is experimenting and figuring things out. And right now, he's found himself in a polyamorous thing with his gf.

Let me tell you what I know about the polyamory lifestyle. When a couple "announces" they're poly after so many years of monogamy, it is almost ALWAYS instigated by one person, and the other just goes along with it because they know the alternative is losing their partner, which is just too painful for them to comprehend. Ao I think your instincts are correct. But what comes next?

They will both date other people. They will both sleep with other people. They may even have some threesomes and foursomes altogether (sorry, tmi). They might not though. But they are 100% guaranteed to have a ton of drama, either with their non-primary partners (practically a given), and if not, then definitely with each other.

Expect fireworks. Your son will get his heart broken. Their relationship is nearing the end.. they just don't know it yet. All you can do is smile, nod, encourage him to be safe, and be there to comfort him when it all inevitably comes crashing down.

His next relationship will be much much smoother, I'm sure.

You have to butt out. It's his life.

I think you’ll find that the GF is trying to break up with your DS and he hasn’t got the message. While the inclination will always be to believe what your DS tells you, are you sure it’s the truth?
You don’t say how long ago GF moved away for her job but presumably a while if she’s got a mortgage? Your DS hasn’t wanted to move to be with her full time or hasn’t made plans to do so? Depending on which end of mid-20s they’re at, that very much looks like their relationship has stalled.
Aside from the present situation, which you’re best steering as clear of as possible, it might be time to encourage your DS to move out as well.

Very succinctly put. I agree.

But again, as a Mum.... all you can do is give him your thoughts and then leave it be. And support him when the relationship ends

Firstly, perhaps check with the GF that this is in fact the actual truth?

Call me cynical, I think she’s moved on from your son emotionally but is hanging on to him for the financial support he offers.

I agree that she's probably playing this silly game to work out if she wants your son in her life or not. But there isn't anything you can do about it if hes prepared to go along with her game. He's an adult and he's making his choice

I think I'd explain to him how you see it and then leave it. What else can you do?

I agree with PP that she isn't one of the family.....oh and he should NOT be paying her flipping mortgage