Furious with son and hid girlfriend

It does sound as if she is trying to stealth dump him and keep the money, which is really shitty. You could possibly point that out but he won’t listen.
They sound incompatible and they are too young to settle down anyway so it’s probably a blessing in disguise.
I would just let it play out and be there when the shit hits the fan.

What about the money side?

I would be worried too.
Relationships can be difficult to navigate anyway with ASD without opening it up and then paying her mortgage.

Ultimatly though he’s an adult. I wouldn’t ban her from your home or risk your relationship with your son when he’s so vulnerable. I would be there for him and be ready to pick up the pieces.

She's moved on with her life, you cant stick with your boyfriend from school for ever, they were always going to end once she moved away.

You need to stop seeing the now ex GF as part of the family, she isnt.
The new girl might be a rebound thing, but thats for her to take the risk on.

Oh my, what a process to navigate without interfering but also protecting your own.

Id be inclined to say to ds that now they are not exclusive its going to be difficult having different girl friends over - and also shows a lack of respect to his family having what could appear like a revolving door of girls friends and sends a message your not comfortable with to other family members

yes girlfriends can come round but not staying overnight etc as it becomes weird.

This would be my feelings on the matter, regardless of not liking the principal girl friend.

Ive lived with a teen and 20s something and although they had different friends over - they were one at a time and I wouldn't;t have wanted more than one at a time as it paints a different picture

As for talking to him - sit down and listen, ask many different questions but don't judge his answers. Literally place your hand over your mouth and listen to what he has to say, probe but don't tell him what you think. Do you want this/ how do you feel about it? how does it make you feel?

When men whine about awful gold digging women, I tend to think who are they because I don’t know any, well she is one of them. He should contribute towards the bills when there but not the mortgage.

It is up to them what they do now adult but if anything is or verges on abuse rears it head then I would be saying something. I would mention the mortgage payment and I would say only committed relationships can stay. Letting her still stay is a thorny issue. You don’t want to push him away and this is a potential source of doing that but I do not know your personality type, I would struggle to keep quiet.

This sounds sensible, if it is how you feel and you can do it in a supportive way.

Is he still contributing towards her mortgage? Not sure what you can do about it, but seems like she could be taking advantage of him if he is. If he is now spending less time there, it might be worth having a talk about him paying a bit more rent now you assume he will be paying less to girl friend. You could offer to increase his rent but put it in a savings account for him.

I would actually be pleased but keep it to myself. Means itll stop paying towards her mortage the cheeky cow has been taking advantage of him.

I think she's pretty silly to get him to pay part of her mortgage, does he have that in writing at all?

IANAL and I'm only going on what they told me, but a DD of some friends of ours did similar and our friends ended up having to pay the ex-bf a five figure lump sum when they broke up because it had given him an interest in the property.

I think the open relationship business probably means this relationship has run it's course, but it's not unusual at that age to want to meet more than one person, test the waters, see if you can do better etc. Being positive OP, he has used it as an opportunity to meet other women, I'd be a lot more worried if he was sat waiting on her whilst she met other men. Hopefully he'll meet someone better and he can ditch her.

I don't think YABU to cool on this gf though, she's unlikely to be a keeper so no need to treat her as one of the family.

I think this is very normal early 20s behaviour.

I wouldn't get too involved other than give advice when asked.

I think there’s more to this than simply being able to afford a place of his own. OP will know how reasonable or otherwise it is to expect a move towards living independently.

If he can afford to pay her half the mortgage when he stays there he can surely afford to rent his own place. He needs to move towards independence. Perhaps encourage him to focus his energies on getting a better paid job to enable him to do this (and keep him busy job searching).

@MyLoyalAmberHelper

youd be better to ask in the SN section, a lot of people just have no clue what it's like to have a young adult child with Asd,

That's not what she said, at all.

What I’d actually be most concerned about is the financial side of things. Right now he’s essentially paying off some of her mortgage, which means he’s helping her build equity in a property he won’t have any claim to. From his perspective, that money could be going toward his own financial goals - like saving for his own place or future security. It's very unfair for her to expect him to contribute in that way, especially without any protections or agreements in place.

Everything else you mentioned comes down to personal opinions about their choices, which I don’t think is really fair for you to bring up. The financial side, though, is important and definitely worth discussing because it could be putting his long-term future at risk. You could definitely have a level headed discussion about that, but at the end of the day he will make his own choices and you may have to just go along with it.

Disagree with PPs that say DS’s autism is an irrelevance. Autism tends to lead to black and white thinking (‘he/she’s my friend/girlfriend and therefore I should be loyal’ is a common belief, even in the face of abuse). Autistic people are more vulnerable to coercive control and abusive relationships, as a result.

As the parent of two autistic YPs, I’m afraid I would sit DS down and have a conversation of what respect and love in a relationship is, what ‘let’s see other people’ really means, and how outside a committed, monogamous, cohabiting relationship it is unreasonable to be expected to contribute towards a mortgage or bills though perfectly reasonable to go dutch on meals out and groceries when you visit.

I do agree that it is important to be supportive of, but not become over-involved in, our DC’s relationships until they have put a ring on it… I once had a BF whose mother took me to one side and said ‘while you are dating my son you are welcome in my home any time you wish to visit him or us, but once/if you stop seeing him we will not want to see you again.’ I was blown away by the harshness and directness, but as an adult totally understand the sentiment (even if I would never say it myself!) - they are dating your DC not wooing the family.

Is he working towards being able to afford it?

He’s mid-20’s - if he wants a series of gf’s to bring home, he needs his own place. Otherwise he meets them elsewhere/at their homes. Your house is not a knocking shop.

He's being financially abused.......I see this for what it is. She isn't interested in him, she's taking money from him. As he's a vulnerable adult I'd be escalating this tbh.

absolutely this 💯

It’s your house. You are entitled to refuse to have people in it if you are not comfortable with them as individuals or with the circumstances. I would simply say you don’t want romantic partners in the house unless it’s in the context of what is (or is hoped to be) an exclusive ongoing relationship. This would exclude both the GF and the other unfortunate young woman who seems potentially to be being lined up to be used for sex.

I would also definitely suggest to him that he give serious consideration to whether it is ethical to have any sort of sexual relationship with the other young woman. Has he considered the emotional damage that may do to her? Does he think he is acting as a true friend if he behaves in this way to her?

I would also mention to him that both you and his sister were uncomfortable with the way his GF treated him at the recent event; & remind him that he deserves love & respect & to be appreciated in a relationship. I would also suggest to him that he consider his financial position & whether the payments he is making are appropriate in the circumstances. And I’d leave it at that for now.

Like a PP I think the GF is almost certainly out of the relationship, & fed up with him, but keeping him on for the ££. Horrible behaviour. But I would not say that - at least not yet. I would reconsider in 6 months if he is still being exploited.

I’m surprised by the posters telling you to butt out. Would they say the same if this was a daughter? A young woman with these vulnerabilities being financially exploited by a man who put her down in public while taking her money? I suspect not.

You can't do anything about their relationship, but you can do something about your response to it.

(1) I agree with a pp re: using your house as a revolving door. That has to stop. It is disrespectful to you, and he needs to find an alternative space.
(2) If he can afford to underpin a mortgage of a girl that has clearly moved on, I would be asking for more rent (you will need to work up a reasonable excuse for this, bills are shooting up etc).

ASD or not, this is about you and your house. Start thinking about your red lines and boundaries.

Hes an adult and this is his situation to navigate. You have no idea what conversations they’ve had and who’s said what. Leave them to it.

Stop trying to manage your son's life. Charge him what's reasonable to live in your house while he does, and let his girlfriend come to stay occasionally if he wants to invite her. Do not pay for him to spend money at her house or going away with her - that's for him to work out.

Sounds like GF is using him.

Assuming DS never had any type of exposure to therapy for learning about social cues, this is the biggest challenge for most ASD affected people. My brother never learned how to properly deal with interpersonal relationships and therefore struggled his entire life with intermittent coaching from me when he reached out with questions. DS likely needs something similar from an outside source to help navigate this situation and future encounters, depending upon his level of reception. Just don't try to put the genie back in the bottle - let them learn to work with situation and make their own reasonable choices.