Furious with son and hid girlfriend

I know it’s not the point of this thread, but how has she got a mortgage as a single person at such a young age? Is her family loaded? If so, all the more reason for her not to ask for money from your son.

No because she wants to sleep around and still use op’s home as an option too. I would sit down and tell him that he doesn’t have to accept this just because he wants to be with her.

There's room for backing off and letting your grown-up kids do their own thing, but not to the extent of letting them be financially exploited by so-called romantic partners! Especially when they're vulnerable due to disability.

Play her at her own game - £50 per night she stays perhaps, and increase your DS rent, you can always save it in an account secretly so he can get his own mortgage at some point in the future!

He pays half the bills and food when he stays there. The OP doesn't say whether this is the entirety of the "keep" that he pays her.
But paying part of the mortgage as well is taking the piss.

But if this is traceable he could as for some equity off the property.

Is there a suggestion he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions? Because I worry that this has turned into a thought that he can’t make decisions. Ultimately it is more dangerous for people with disabilities to be treated as if they cannot make decisions for themselves, then to be permitted to make bad decisions.

People make decisions every day I wouldn’t make. And with ADHD I frequently make decisions NT people think are insane (typically ‘risky’ behaviours). I should not be prevented from making them though.

It’s just as likely that the GF has cooled a little, still wants him as a casual hook-up and doesn’t want a cocklodger in her house so he needs to contribute. He still lives at home so there is that risk.

I think OP is handling fine, without assuming he is unable to make his own stupid 20-year-old choices.

Is he still contributing towards her mortgage? Anything else aside, that needs to stop.

You can stop her from visiting your house. You can't stop your son from seeing her. It's really that simple.

It does sound like she wants her cake and eat it, hopefully it fizzles out.

If he's paying 'mortgage and bills' when he is staying with her, then it does sound like she is taking advantage of him, without the ASD I would say let him get on with it, but it does sound financially abusive/coercive tbh. She will likely keep him around as a cash cow, and that is where the seeing other people comes from, she wants the best of both worlds.

I'd have a gentle chat with him and encourage him to stop paying her mortgage and bills, or perhaps gradually reduce the visits as a test to see what happens, because, if she is keeping him around for the money, chances are when the money dries up she will resolve the situation and break up with him.

I'd struggle to have her round and pretend everything is okay though to be honest, but for his sake you may have to keep things civil for now and hope it fizzles out, with any luck if he is seeing other people he may meet someone else and lose interest in her.

The money is very concerning though.

Agree with this. It does sound as though she’s just stringing him along for the money now. Obviously you have to let him make his own choices, but you can chat to him about what you think, and/or have his sisters or dad do the same. And you don’t have to let her stay at yours, or his other friend. You can say that only exclusive and committed partners are able to stay.

I can understand completely why you wouldn’t want this in your house. I would say.. You are an adult and I can’t dictate who you go out with but I’m not comfortable in having her here anymore so you will have to find somewhere else to stay when she visits.
Hopefully it fizzles out.

^^This

He absolutely has to stop pouring his money down the drain

I understand why you feel worried OP I'd feel concerned too. However he is capable of making his own decisions, and he has the right to find out for himself whether he made a good choice or a bad choice and to learn from his own experiences. So yanbu for feeling as you do but you would be unreasonable if you tried to intervene.

I’m not surprised you’re angry with her, I would be. But don’t be angry with your DS. What he’s doing is largely because he has Asd and she’s taking the piss out of him.

There’s no way he should be contributing towards her mortgage, and joking about at a family meal, shows contempt.

Because of the Asd factor, I would definitely be having a good long chat with him, BUT wait until you’ve calmed down. Don’t push him away, he really needs someone (you) to help him.

I welcome into my home any guest of my adult DC who they want to invite, provided the person is polite and respectful. Starting down a path of deciding who to include or exclude based on your judgement of things outside of that massively over complicates your life and takes up a lot of head space with things outside of your control. If you feel DS is being exploited then that's an issue to address through conversation with him.

I think you would have got different comments if youd reversed the sexes here. She is putting him down infront of his own family and making money out of her own boyfriend staying over. If this was reversed people would say it was looking like it was turning into an abusive relationship.

I'd be asking him how he feels about the comments she made, and would he make comments like that to her. He will likely say that she was only joking but will still sew the seeds that it's not ok.

I'd also be asking her for a contribution when she visits (unless it's very infrequent like a night a month).

I'd put my foot down at random partners staying over though and remind him he has to be honest with other people about his relationship with his gf (eg does his other friend know he is still 'with' his gf)

My parents were fine with me having boyfriends etc when younger, but the rule has always been, and still is; I can only sleep in a bed with someone at mum and dad's, if we're married or cohabiting (both names on the rental or mortgage).

No way would I be allowed a casual partner (let alone multiple!). I think that's fair. If he wants to shag about, the family home isn't the place to do it: he needs a bachelor pad.

As for the gf, I can see why you're disappointed that they've broken up (or whatever), and saddened by her being quite unkind. But quite often, that's young love, unfortunately. Not much you can do.

I would be concerned OP, sounds to me like from her point the relationship has run it's course now she has a fancy new job and life but she doesn't want to end it with him probably because he's essentially paying half her bills and mortgage! So she's stringing him along until she finds someone else

Where on earth does the OP say that?? 🙄

She wants the 'GF' to stop taking her son for a ride! Paying GF's mortgage - do you think for one second he's actually on the deeds - of course not! And suddenly "seeing other people" when they've been exclusive up to now, the nasty comments, even with family there, how does she talk to him when they're alone??

It would seem that along with losing her feelings for him she has also lost any respect, and that's absolutely not OK

As PPs have said GF appears to now have a new life and OP's DS is now only wanted for his money and a place to stay when she comes back to visit. That's just wrong, even without the added factor of DS's ASD.

I always think this is the downside of bringing a girlfriend into the family fold in the way you describe. Wife - yes. Girlfriend - you run the risk of feeling really personally offended about something that really isn’t your business. He is a man. How he spends his money is up to him. It might be worth suggesting it’s time for him to get a room share somewhere and then he’s not under your roof and seeing the girlfriend won’t be so much of a thing for you. It also means he’ll have to grow up a bit and won’t have so much money to throw at the girlfriend.

Chalk it up as life experience.

She's took the piss sure, but he's never getting that money back, just needs to ensure it doesnt happen again in future.

I’ve got a 23 year old son who is at home. If this was him, I would just not get involved in anything.

I wouldn’t have decreased his board money, especially if she was staying at my house regularly. What he does with the rest of his money is his own business.

If they're seeing other people and he can't afford to move out of the family home then he absolutely should not be paying any part of her mortgage! She does sound like she's using him, to be honest, but I'm not sure what you can do about it unfortunately - I know with my ASD DD if I tried to say anything in a situation like that she'd dig her heels in even more.

Does he want to leave home and live independently? Maybe try talking to him about using that money to save for a deposit etc, without pinning it to the girlfriend's behaviour? It's a tricky one.

How old is your daughter? Was she able to talk to her brother about the upsetting comments the girlfriend made?

You don’t want to alienate him so you will have to tread gently. Increase his rent back up so there’s less cash for the girlfriend’s board and be neutral if she does come but also you need to be ready to respond if she makes further derogatory comment about your son. She doesn’t sound particularly nice and yes it does sound like she wants out.

Have you had a chat ( a light chat..!) about this other girl and how to be careful with her feelings for him?