You need a good F***ing

There are loads of people who don’t have kids, across all the forums. It’s a ridiculous way of trying to make someone feel unwelcome; that faux surprise ‘Oh, but I thought everyone on MN was a mum’. Fucks me off no end!

But not wanting to derail your thread, there has got to be a charity or support group who could at least listen and understand what you’re going through. Have you ever in your career been a civil servant? They have one for past and current employees. Or the Carers Trust? https://carers.org Not just for young carers.

Yep. My childhood was horrendous and I'd never talk to my daughter like that. I'd insist on going in a home just to avoid blighting her life tbh

Why not? It sounds like she'd be happier there, she's nicer to the helping staff who come in than she is to you.

I’m so sorry, OP. What a nasty, deeply personal thing to say to you. You don’t deserve that from the woman you’ve given a third of your life in caring for. No-one should say such a thing, let alone your own mother.

When she says such cruel things, do you snap right back at her or tell her to shut up? If not, then start giving her a taste of her own verbal medicine. And she’s choosing to behave this way; lots of people with hideous childhoods turn out just fine.

I wonder what would happen if you told the council that you absolutely can not and will not care for her anymore? You need to take back control of how you spend your time before your own health becomes damaged. Maybe an extreme action like this is needed.

In what way do you care for her? Which means you can't have a break.

I agree her behaviour is appalling and cruel. But I wonder why you can't have a break. If you go to work, how doe she get along then?

What systems are in place in your country to assist people who are terminal? Isn't she eligible for any of them?

I know this is going to sound awful, but would that really be the worst thing?

And I say this as someone in my late 20s also dealing with an abusive mother who has lots of issues that require lots of care.

I get that. I was the same...but I agreed to Mum going into a home for respite. (At one point, it was vital - I had an operation on my feet which meant that I couldn't do the evening care during my recovery period.)

The problem is that if you keep struggling on without complaint, Social Services will be very happy for you to continue to do so. You need to make it clear that you're drowning. Requesting a carer's assessment is the first step in getting help.

Do you know how long she has left? May help come up with a plan

Which is obviously totally different from what the OP’s mother asked.

im sorry OP, she was completely out of order and I’d be upset too. Is she getting ill?

What’s her prognosis? If you’ve been doing this for ten years already and she’s terminally ill, how long is she likely to live for? Is she mobile at all? I know you said she has carers - does she need them to get her up and dressed and in a chair?

So they can't sell it from under you mother, then.

You do need to ask for a carer assessment. When I did - must have read about it on the Carers' Forum or perhaps Age UK - the social work department seemed astonished. (I'm guessing they don't advertise it...)

I was given training in moving and handling - which I hadn't had before - and was given a limited amount of respite for Mum. It made a big difference.

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/carer-s-assessment/

Consider yourself consoled. I could attempt to express empathy and sympathy, conjecture solutions or suggestions which might alleviate your dilemma. But I’d ramble on for hours. So I won’t. I’ll simply say this. You are beautiful - inside and out. Believe it. Keep going. Good times will come for you. For sure.

This isn't helpful to the OP who doesn't want to do that

You can’t hold your own life ransom to keep her alive.

I think you need permission to put her in a nursing home. You have no kind of life. You know she wouldn't have done this for you. It doesn't sound as though she appreciates what you do for her. What stops you calling social services and saying she needs to go into a home?

OP, I don’t have any wise words, so just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you. It sounds appallingly difficult for you and what she said to you is truly shocking. You are clearly doing all you can and for her to treat you this way, well, it’s beyond anything you should have to face.

I hope you can find a way to look after yourself, and one day get to the cinema

So sorry to hear you feel like this. Your DM is selfish as you need to live your life. You need a serious chat with her and insist you need to step back, you can't expect anyone to have children to have to carry out full time care for you.
Please do reach out for support of carers as you will only resent your DM if you continue.
Also be kind to yourself, you sound very caring and your DM is lucky to have you.

Can't you leave the old witch and get carers in for her? Terminally ill or not, she's a nasty piece of work.

Hardly the time or the place for that really, is it?