You need a good F***ing

You probably can't change your mother's attitude. She is terminally ill & probably has attachment issues from her own abandonment as a child.

Focus on the things you can change

60 hours work a week is too much. Cut back.

Call social care and work out a plan for getting your mum into a hospice.

Carve out time every week to do things for yourself

Find ways to engage with people away from your mum. Get lunch with a colleague, ring a old friend an arrange coffee, chat to a neighbour outside. Join a group or social activity.

So sorry to read of what you're going through. It must be unimaginably difficult. I care for my Mum too, and she was never the easiest person, I put up with her controlling behaviour for years. I'm trapped too. I spent my 30s trying to extract myself, now 40 and still stuck. She has a long term progressive illness. I've had no life for many years. Sometimes I think I might never escape, until I get old, and never get the chance to live my life. Or if she needs a care home. My life is just work, and caring. No free time, never relax, no social life. No chance to make a family of my own. My heart is broken with how my life turned put. I hope things improve for you

OP has joint ownership of her mums’ home. Stepping away completely could end up with her losing half of that to social services if her mum has to go into care as a result.

Good luck going forward. Others informed me you have joint ownership of home. I hope you can detach from that too, especially if she is not on end of life. My two years as my father's live in (unpaid) carer nearly did me in. Thankfully I am through the other side now. But always please take care of number one. X

Withdraw your care, to the amount you are actually comfortable giving.

That amount might be 0.

You do not owe her, and the fact she had a shitty childhood does not in any way EXCUSE her being shitty to you.

It may be the reason she struggles with some things, but that still doesn't excuse her being a cunt to you, particularly given you're actually supporting her now.

You don't have to do this. SS will make you think you do, but you don't. You don't owe her, she is not actually your responsiblity.

Step away.

Hope you manage to get it all sorted op - you sound like a very loving and caring daughter. Wishing you all the best. 💜

Thanks, but this isn't your thread either. I assumed based on the Qs you asked that you had not RTFT and didn't know what the OP had already told us.

Parents can just be cruel and abusive, you know. They aren’t always lovely and wonderful and then they get the dementia.

OP, I bet there is more to this, has she always been cruel? It was a nasty thing to say. I’d recommend withdrawing as much as you can.

Thanks, but this isn’t your thread. Nothing is set in stone, and sometimes people can’t see the wood for the trees.

Working 60 hours a week is illegal and unsustainable. Op could look for another job.

op’s mum does have carers in, so this could be reviewed so that more come in to give OP a break.

OP needs to talk to Age UK or Citizens Advice to find out how to change her living situation, how to sell her half of the house if she wants to, etc. There are options.

I think I’d have laughed, but there is nothing funny about your situation. Sorry OP, it all sounds very hard

Why martyr yourself for a woman who seemingly doesn't care about you?

She has already told us her work requires it with no flexibility AND her mother doesn't want to pay carers. She came here looking for helpful advice, not criticisms of things she can't change.

Why do you work 60 hours a week? You would have more time if you reduced that to the legal 40
hours.

And find carers for your mum.

Don’t be a martyr.

That’s more important than the bizarre thing she said. What’s your relationship usually like?

I'm glad you are getting a carers assessment. Adult social services have the responsibility for conducting these, they will be contactable at your local council.
You do not have to live like this OP. You can say no to her. You have the right to say that.
I hope you find some peace.

@Searchingforananswer2023 is there a hobby you’d like to spend time doing? Crafts, read a book, gym class, even just a daily stroll. Anything to make you feel more yourself and not just someone constantly on the go for others.
Hoping you things get better for you. xxx

Why not? It’s the main issue the op is dealing with.
I almost never swear and for sure never ever say that particular word. The title of this thread didn’t bother me at all.
if you are a bit too delicate to cope with reading it imagine how much worse it use have been to hear her own mother say it to her.
Have a smidge of compassion.

You definitely need to start focusing on yourself…..when is the last time you bought yourself a nice outfit, had your hair done or been on a good night out?……you are still young but time passes very quickly

@Searchingforananswer2023 have you managed to get out at all lately? When were you last out?

Good luck and - COURAGE!

I am so glad you are going to try and find some more help. It's hard enough being a sole carer when you and the person you support love and respect each other, let alone when feelings are more complicated. Good luck and don't forget to come back if you have any queries or just want to vent your feelings.

Assuming that a woman just needs a shag so she can continue to be an unpaid carer is pretty gross.💙💚💛💜💯

I think OP said they own the house jointly.