My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

I'd do the same as her.

Did you miss the bit where until five minutes ago he was trying to persuade her to abort, and now he’s trying to manipulate her into getting his name on the baby? He’s not ‘the baby’s dad’. At the moment he’s a sperm donor. He may become the baby’s dad with time, effort and devotion, but that remains to be seen.

She probably has an inkling that their relationship won't last the course and doesn't want to be left with the irritation of her child sharing the surname of a relatively uninvolved dad.

If she's proved wrong and they end up getting married and he's fully involved, they can always change the child's name but the chances of him agreeing to change his child's name should the relationship break down and she be left as primary carer are presumably fairly small.

Sorry but he fucked up- play stupid games win stupid prizes. I can’t believe she is still with his to be honest, but if you want a history lessons it has ways been the case a baby takes mums name, under a patriarchal Christian society it just happened the mother was generally married to the father.

Your mate should concentrate on proving himself to be a good bloke and dad then maybe in time she will reconsider her position.

Since when does having or not having your father’s surname become a doing what’s right for the baby?

Nobody ever seems to argue the women the person carrying and birthing should definitely have her name in there otherwise the dad is only thinking of himself.

I hope the babies a girl and then all those sexist views can bugger off anyway as if she had her dads surname it would clearly only be borrowed till she got married so completely irrelevant 😂

She’s very sensible.
We weren’t married when I had our first baby and never considered her having his surname.
By time we had our other children, we were married and all had same surname.
I know of several women who gave the father’s name, they then had massive trouble changing the surname when they broke up and/or married someone else.
It can also make travelling awkward.
I work in a hospital and it can also make it harder for next of kin/signing forms if you have a different surname than your child.

Good for her. The man is taking the piss. Why would she want to give his name to her baby?!

Whether she likes it or not, he’s the child dad and his name should be included. She’s putting her wants over what’s right for the baby imo. If the child chooses as an adult to drop one name, they can

Agree. He sounds like he's just fobbing her off with a proposal. and she's 40, when is the magical 'later' for her to have a baby?

Well she doesn't have to, and there's nothing he can do about it.

I mean an engagement is not a marriage. So unless his plan is to actually marry her before the baby arrives her starting point is still the same.

No marriage, not his surname.

Again though his also shown she’s only worth actually marrying to give a baby he didn’t want his surname. Gross.

All on his terms isn't it. she sounds brilliant and strong and capable. More power to her!! and to all women!

Good for her! 😄

there’s nothing he can actually do about it so he’s going to have to suck it up.

Why is it unfair? There's no logical reason to give the baby the man's surname.

I know quite a few people who, despite not being married to the fathers of their children, have given their children their father's name. I can't understand that, and think it's an outdated notion.

As for the men in the OPs story being shocked, they perhaps examine why the baby should have the sperm provider's surname rather than the woman who is growing the baby inside her. I certainly wouldn't want to have a different name to my dc.

If I was getting married now, rather than 30 years ago, I wouldn't change my name and I would want my kids to have my surname not my H's .

I mean I think it's unfair to not give the baby the mans name as well if he's a decent guy, so I can only assume he mustn't be a decent guy, especially seeing as she thinks he's only proposing to her to give the baby his name. I mean if this is the case why are they even together?

I just think if I didn't trust a man enough to give my baby his name as double barrel then that's not good enough trust for a solid relationship.

It's all pretty misogynistic really

We have no idea how long these people have been together. All we know about him is that he went straight from trying to get his girlfriend to terminate her pregnancy to being ‘disappointed’ she wouldn’t give the potential baby he’d just been trying to get her to terminate his surname. Not someone I’d assume was going to hang around or be a committed father.

Good for her. Apart from anything, it makes sense for the baby to have the same name as the parent who presumably will do the majority of the care.

I know a girl who changed her surname by deed poll to be the same as her children because it was such a logistical headache..!

I have my Dad’s surname despite being married. However it’s the only surname I’ve ever had. DH has his Dad’s name, the only surname he’s ever had.

It makes sense to me that children take their Mother's surname, whatever that may be at the time.

Maybe he just doesn’t believe in marriage. Why can’t she double-barrel it? They both made the baby, seems the fairest option. Both me and partner don’t believe in marriage and our kids have both our surnames, double barrelled. Been together 15 years and still have no desire to get married, nothing to do with how much we love each other

It is also her name. How do you ever break the cycle of misogyny with naming children? You've got to start somewhere

I work in a hospital and when baby is born, the baby will always have a little tag on to say baby “mothers surname”.

The amount of men that kick off about it is hilarious. They don’t want to marry the woman they’ve reproduced with for the sake of modern standards, but want their baby to have their name put down immediately as it’s tradition?