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Original poster

Help me cope with my PIL

32 replies

Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 06:35

I'm not really sure this is an AIBU. I'm looking for some advice around how to not feel so negatively towards my PIL, particularly MIL. They are on the whole nice people who love their family, and my DH and DS love them. However, since DS was born (he's now 4) she has made comments, mainly aimed at me, about our parenting. It seems like everything I do with DS or the way I want to bring him up, is not how she would do it. Granted she is never pushy about it, but it's been going on so long that just the thought of her being around DS fills me with rage and dread (10 times worse if I'm not around). We explicitly did not want DS to eat cake/sweets as a toddler and she did everything in her power to always mention it around him, comments like just you wait til you're at Gran's, oh I can see you're eyeing up this chocolate cake, he wants a bit mum. Even now he's older and we allow sweet treats, it's still in moderation, but now it's like utter glee on her face any time cake is around so she can try and give him huge slabs of it after us saying no he's already had a piece. She will openly talk about things she did with her other son's DC because she knew best according to her (after being asked not to). I just don't understand it. She is very much what happens at Grans stays at grans, my job is to spoil grandkids. When DS was a baby she outright said there are some things parents say that she would not go along with when they're out of sight, as some things she knows best about. That is absolutely not the relationship we want her to have with DS. On the rare occasion DH has called her out she said she is joking but then always justifies herself anyway. I feel like I can't really trust her and tbh I never really ask her to babysit for this reason. I know I shouldn't but I compare her to my own mum and she would never behave in that way. My brother and SIL also have a baby and my mum is very respectful, always ask how she should do things, took them cooked meals over, picked up little gifts for the baby. As I said though, they are very nice people on the whole but I just can't stand them, and I need to accept that DS needs and deserves a relationship with them so I would never stop them visiting. So my question... Any self help books out there, words of wisdom, hypnosis???

OP posts:
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Bambamhoohoo · 27/09/2025 16:28

T1Dmama · 27/09/2025 15:24

And what’s wrong with healthy treats? Ask her to provide grapes, raspberries etc for your son.

but why would the MIl do that? If it were that simple this would’ve been resolved years ago. I’m sure MIL knows about grapes. She’s trying to bait OP and destabilise her

T1Dmama · 27/09/2025 15:24

And what’s wrong with healthy treats? Ask her to provide grapes, raspberries etc for your son.

T1Dmama · 27/09/2025 15:19

Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 06:55

I also should have added, DH has properly called them out only once via text. MIL didn't reply for 2 days because she said she was so upset, never did get an apology but a big sob story about how bad we made her feel and she doesn't see DS enough.

Also DS has a disability so I am naturally more careful with him (probably OTT at times I'll admit) but you would think they would take that into consideration. He has private medical bills that we've never had any help with (of course I do not expect this in any way and do not want to sound like that, the only reason I'm adding this is that they bought a whole house for other son because they had financial struggles! Also pay for their other son's DCs swimming lessons and costumes for gymnastics - we've had nothing and DS has started football club). It honestly feels like if they don't get their own way and get to parent our child the way they want to, then we don't get help with things. I know that is petty and not really a big issue, it just feels like a whole load of things that just make me not like them! And I would love nothing more than to actually like them and trust them!

You realise your PIL’s are narcassists right?

her treating one child differently to the other, so your DH is constantly trying to measure up… her constant undermining of you and then when called out she plays the victim and doesn’t take any accountability for her part….

Sorry but I’m not one to pussy foot around and would call her out each and everytime she undermines you! When she mentions the bloody cake just say ‘you know our rules, please do not undermine us!!’ If she takes offence simply say ‘please don’t act like I’ve done anything except ask you to respect our wishes!!’
Your DH needs to have long hard think about his boundaries!!

Figcherry · 27/09/2025 13:43

I'm a mil and my dil does not send my ds as a diplomatic envoy if she has a problem.
She tells me straight and I appreciate that and mostly we get on well. I learn, I do better and sometimes so does she.

My sil though grumbles to dd and then she has a go at me. It's not a good approach because he gives dd his side of the story with no context and then I have to tell dd how I saw things.

So if you have a problem with pil's please be honest at the time. A complaint by text just upsets everyone.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 27/09/2025 13:23

Judecb · 27/09/2025 08:52

I would have a firm talk with her. Explain how you like to do things with YOUR child and tell her that you expect the same from her.

What if the child’s other parent is absolutely fine with how his parents do things?

Judecb · 27/09/2025 08:52

I would have a firm talk with her. Explain how you like to do things with YOUR child and tell her that you expect the same from her.

Blablibladirladada · 26/09/2025 18:59

Baggyit · 26/09/2025 18:12

You have a husband problem.
He would rather this time was spoiled for YOU, by his pain in the arse mother, than deal with it.

YOUR problem is that as you age, YOU will see this very differently, and realise it was your weak husband that put his awful mother first, and YOU paid the price.

YOU will be pissed off, YOU will resent him for it.
Have a rethink about this.

Too many women bitterly resent their husbands for their earlier selfishness by choosing the quiet life for THEM.....instead of supporting their wives.

They wonder then why their wives get the total ick and go off sex.

Weak, selfish men, kill a women's libido, SO quickly.

Edited

That op,

you need to make it a dh problem.

Jorge14 · 26/09/2025 18:56

I had to deal with this exact scenario. I used to get angry and the thought of going there but I also knew how much they loved my kids. I’m glad I never fell out with them over it but I also wish I’d stood up for myself a bit more rather than getting home and taking it out on DH. You can be polite about it, just stand up to her in a calm way.

whistlesandbells · 26/09/2025 18:32

I would stop facilitating contact. Leave it to your DH to do this. Be busy. Take a step away - the interaction upsets you which isn’t good for your child. Don’t allow you son to be left alone. People may think is harsh but life is short. Enjoy your peace.

PotatoLove · 26/09/2025 18:30

Ugh, this type of undermining you is horrible. Be strong OP and stick to your guns about your parenting. DH also needs to man up more with his mum.

Baggyit · 26/09/2025 18:12

You have a husband problem.
He would rather this time was spoiled for YOU, by his pain in the arse mother, than deal with it.

YOUR problem is that as you age, YOU will see this very differently, and realise it was your weak husband that put his awful mother first, and YOU paid the price.

YOU will be pissed off, YOU will resent him for it.
Have a rethink about this.

Too many women bitterly resent their husbands for their earlier selfishness by choosing the quiet life for THEM.....instead of supporting their wives.

They wonder then why their wives get the total ick and go off sex.

Weak, selfish men, kill a women's libido, SO quickly.

Blablibladirladada · 26/09/2025 18:03

😂😂

yeah so she is sending digs woman style! Arf…

autienotnaughty · 25/09/2025 21:26

It is frustrating. I’d try to ignore for the most part. Let her crack on, she doesn’t babysit so chances of her forcing cake down his neck are slim. If she involves your dc I’d say, please don’t tease dc it’s not fair on him. And make sure your dh backs you.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/09/2025 20:46

Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:37

@AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti I wouldn't say it's a DH problem. I think he's in a difficult situation because he loves his mother and doesn't want to upset her, so would rather avoid it. Not saying I agree with that but I can understand that approach. I think he believes that everything is said in jest and that nothing she is saying or suggesting is actually that bad, which makes it difficult because we're not on the same page at times. I haven't mentioned anything to him about it in a long time because I would rather just get on with life, and learn to tolerate them. I would hate to feel like my parents were being difficult and having to address it is tough. I'm just so glad my own parents are nothing like this.

But he’s fine with you being upset……….

You need to make that a problem for him else this will be the status quo forever.

Original poster
Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:41

@Overtheatlantic honestly no - DH has though and it was laughed off as all in jest. Which I think he does believe to an extent. I worry that it's me being unreasonable, although I don't really think I am. I just want to learn ways to let it all wash over me, learn to get on with it and trust that DS won't be around them too often unsupervised for it to be an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:37

@AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti I wouldn't say it's a DH problem. I think he's in a difficult situation because he loves his mother and doesn't want to upset her, so would rather avoid it. Not saying I agree with that but I can understand that approach. I think he believes that everything is said in jest and that nothing she is saying or suggesting is actually that bad, which makes it difficult because we're not on the same page at times. I haven't mentioned anything to him about it in a long time because I would rather just get on with life, and learn to tolerate them. I would hate to feel like my parents were being difficult and having to address it is tough. I'm just so glad my own parents are nothing like this.

OP posts:
Overtheatlantic · 25/09/2025 19:34

Have you ever said point blank,” Mil, it’s difficult for me to trust you when you say these things. After all, this is MY child, not yours.”

Original poster
Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:32

@Anxioustealady yes I think you're right that it's best to just ignore it all, I suppose that was partly what I was looking for with this post was around self help and coping strategies to help me do this! I also would like to be able to trust her and have her help out with childcare, it's just difficult to get to that point honestly. I spoke to her one to one when DS was a baby and I explained to her my anxieties in general about baby and having a tough time letting him be minded by anyone - 1:1 she actually comes across so understanding and supportive, but then it all changes when it's not just the 2 of us having a serious conversation. I find it extremely hard to even think about having another chat with her because I know how upset she would be and it would all be explained as a joke.

OP posts:
Baggyit · 25/09/2025 19:26

She sounds absolutely awful.
I wouldn't want to be around her, much less my child.

Original poster
Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:25

@Bambamhoohoo thank you I'm glad you understand and I'm sorry you've been through that. SIL warned me about this behavior when our DS was days old, she said it took her a long time to get her husband to see how unacceptable it was. It's never been mentioned again and not really something I feel I could bring up now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shininggglight · 25/09/2025 19:22

@Cannedlaughter yes this is it, it's the feeling undermined that is bothering me. You're right that at the end of the day some extra sugar isn't that big of a deal, it's just her manner and feeling like she doesn't care what we think. I don't really feel like I could speak to her tbh.

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 25/09/2025 12:11

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/09/2025 11:29

But you can’t unpick someone else’s issues. They have to want to unpick them.

Show quote history

And he might want to, he might not.
There is a nuance here that “you have a DH problem” does nothing to help.
OP has to think about what she can control, what she can live with and where her boundaries are. Just Telling DH what he needs to do may be entirely ineffective.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/09/2025 11:29

Bambamhoohoo · 25/09/2025 10:37

The “DH” problem is complex in that he’s grown up with the mother and learnt his own, unconscious ways of coping and they take time and work to be unpicked

But you can’t unpick someone else’s issues. They have to want to unpick them.

Bambamhoohoo · 25/09/2025 10:37

The “DH” problem is complex in that he’s grown up with the mother and learnt his own, unconscious ways of coping and they take time and work to be unpicked

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 25/09/2025 09:35

The language in your OP was very telling. Lots of “I” and no mention of your DH’s input or views (and after 4+ years he should absolutely have some). If how his mother speaks to you isn’t an issue for him, and he doesn’t care about who is caring for DC and what happens when he is there, then you’re fighting a losing battle.

Your update confirms this. In 4+ years how many times have you voiced your upset? And he’s supported you once. Once. Why is that? Does he disagree with what you are unhappy about, or does he not care enough to cut the apron strings and support you, his wife, because it’s the easier option. You being upset doesn’t matter as much as his mother not being upset. Think about that.

You need to find some assertiveness.