15 year old drinking at a 16th party

I would do as you normally do and buy your son what he can drink at the party (his normal two bottles of alcohol). Thank him for letting you know what the plans there are and remind him of safe drinking and that he can call you for a lift home at any time.

Banning him from the party means he won’t tell you next time.

Five is the legal limit at a house party in England.

I would explain to him that your concerns are the reliability/sensibility of the host, because they have already shown themselves to be lacking in the parenting department.

I might be willing to let him go, with a reasonable curfew.

He is communicating sensibly with you, don't jeopardise that. At that age my DS was feral and I had no clue where he was or what he was doing.

This excellent advice 👌. One of the most sensible balanced posts I've seen on Mumsnet when it comes to parenting teens.

I bought dd and her friends wkd blues for their post prom party but they were very sensible and had one each then went onto Pepsi. Alcohol starts being at parties around 16 so I’d focus on educating dc to make wise choices.

I understand your concerns. I would take the chance to talk to your son and see if you can come up with a plan that feels okay to you both. Does he know most of the kids going? Does he think things could get out of hand? Does he know what to do if faced with a party getting out of hand? If not, good chance to talk about it. Does he have a few trusted pals going that could go and leave early together, even to go back to yours to continue a mini-party? Can you keep in touch a bit while he’s there? I think ideally you’d let him save face rather than having to say he’s not allowed to go and it could be a good chance to work with him on a safe plan. If he doesn’t really know the kids going then you’re unlikely to be able to come up with a safe plan so that would end up being a no.

I actually think you’ve made the wrong call here by saying he can’t go..
He has shown a lot of maturity by trusting you with what he knew
the better option would have been to tell him he could go, but discuss sensibly what his approach to drinking should be, that he doesn’t need to keep up with his peers, and what he would need to do if things turned messy either for himself or his friends.
I think you should reconsider your decision.

It's the safeguarding issues that are more of a concern and I can see why you are worried about that.

However It's not unusual for a 16th birthday party to involve alcohol.
In fact if parent buys it they can make sure it's really weak stuff and provide lots of food to soak it up.
DD had alcohol at her 16th, basically her friends smuggled it in.
So at 15/16 it is something they will do if they want to, I would have a conversation about staying safe, dangers of drinking too much, ensuring they eat something substantial before the party and to let them know they can phone you at anytime and at any point if they are in trouble.
How are they getting there and getting home?
We live rurally so I always had to drive them there and collect which felt like a pita but actually was good as I knew where they were, had an agreed time they were leaving and knew they'd get home safely!

I'm okay with my 15yr old having a beer or two when there's a responsible adult around. Especially when I know the family and/or the friendship group.

With the additional info of having her children removed for safeguarding it would be a hard NO from me. I would really question her decision making and ability to keep that party safe.

I entirely understand why you've made this decision, but I think there is a risk that the message you're giving your child is that by being honest with you, he's lost the chance to go to a party - so the next time there's a similar situation he just won't tell you.

I'm not saying you've made the wrong decision, just that the risks involved in him going have to be balanced against this other risk.

Cross posted with you op.
You have made a wise decision.

If your son is anything like mine was at 15 he won't thank you but tough! You are there to safeguard him.
Well done.

I too feel there’s some missing information here. The OP says the other mother had her children removed for safeguarding reasons earlier this year**.
And yet she’s now hosting teen parties to which other parents are willingly sending their children - with alcohol?
I was jumping on the thread to say this!
On first read my thought was why are you letting him go to a party where there is known safeguarding issues.

I understand how difficult it can be to say no to a 15 year old going to a party that "everyone" is going to.

I would seriously invent an excuse that as a family you are doing something else that night. OK it might be avoiding the issue but I would not want my child there.

Well done! Good parenting.

I think drinking at year 11 parties is standard and anyone who thinks it doesn’t happen is naive. I don’t like it but it’s a fact of life. However, my rule with my 15 year old is that if he thinks he’s going to drink anything he needs to do it in moderation and most importantly if he’s going to drink it needs to be on a night when I’m home and can come and get him if I am needed. If he decides to drink on a night he knows I’m also out and I get a call or he is drunk he will not be allowed to go to a party again until he’s in 6th form. So far he has never been drunk and I have never had a call. I assume that may change one day, my older 2 did it once each. More importantly he is very honest with me about what and how much he has drunk

I would be surprised if lots of them hadn't tried alcohol but at that age I wouldn't provide it. DS is just 17, some of his friends (all a bit older but same school year) have been bringing cans from home for a couple of years
ETA
Missed the rather vital info about her children being removed 🙄 What for would matter if I let my child go at all!

My Ds got pretty drunk on rum when he was 15. He was sick everywhere. He is now 23 and never touched it since!

I think it's often seen as safer to supply a few beers in the hope it will stop them getting bladdered on spirits. That is an age for experimenting with alcohol and if it's at a friend's home it is safer than lingering around in parks or under bridges at night.

I'm sure they'll be fine. If they get sick then at least they know how horrible hangovers feel so might learn their lesson a bit.

It depends on your son to no right from wrong.
My son went to house party's at that age. But i told him to be sensible the whole dont feel pressured to do or take or drink anything.
If you feel you need to leave call or text I'll make some drama up etc or I'll be there to collect you.
We always had a plan.
It went well had fun.

He was no angle in his teen years he has been drunk a few times but we got through it laugh about it now.
But was sensible most of the time.
Only one time he calld for me to come get him the party got out of hand so he done a French exit and i picked him up at some shop.

Im glad them days are over.

I too feel there’s some missing information here. The OP says the other mother had her children removed for safeguarding reasons earlier this year.

And yet she’s now hosting teen parties to which other parents are willingly sending their children - with alcohol?

Again - 🤔🤔🤔

My dd is 17 and has been to lots of house parties over the last few years. Never has a parent supplied alcohol but teens will sneak their own in. Lots are drinking at 15. I don’t agree with this mum supplying it but I’m not sure I would say no to your ds.

They're not underage for drinking at a private party when an adult has bought the alcohol. Whether or not it's a good idea in these specific circumstances is a different question, but there's nothing illegal about it.

I’m surprised she’s allowed to host a party if the kids have already been removed from her care?
She’s the red flag here. 15/16 year olds will more than likely be having the odd drink at parties whether their parents know about it or not, however I think it’s odd she’s offering to supply alcohol to underage children without any consultation with other parents.
I’m a very realistic parent when it comes to teenagers but I would say no to this.

Hard no from me. My children can drink when legally able but I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging it. I have a 24 year old who drinks socially but I never gave him drinks in the house and I certainly wouldn’t have let him go to a party while he was under the legal limit where alcohol would be supplied. My younger children are treated exactly the same.

Let him go then collect him early?

Right, so the concern is really about the parenting rather than the alcohol so have a discussion with your DS, explain that it's not the alcohol, it's the fact that this doesn't sound like a great family hosting. And that you are concerned things might get out of hand and he'll not know what to do. Are his usual sensible friends going? Tell them to keep away from trouble, watch out for each other and make sure they know they can call you to be picked up at any time and in any state and you will make sure they are safe. And make sure he has a decent stodgy meal before he goes so he's not drinking on an empty stomach.

Teenagers drink alcohol and sometimes they drink too much. It's not ideal but he'll be safer if he knows you will have his back and won't give him a hard time if he messes up.