To wonder what kind of partner would accept me being estranged from my family?

I don’t tell people my family are toxic anymore. Just give the facts of their jobs etc and as little information as possible. I found when I’m open about it I get judged or blank not understanding from those with good familial relationships and it’s a big ‘easy victim’ sign for abusive me whom I e dated a lot. I did the freedom program to escape abusive men and it was discussed that some abuser’s seek out women with poor relationships or estranged from family as they are easy to gain control over.

it’s not like you have to keep it a secret. Just keep it quiet for a few months till you know if you like him and he’s a good guy then tell the truth. If they judge you at that point they are not the man for you. If they already like you then it will be accepted

I've been nc with my family for about 15 years (I've not spoken to my golden child brother for 25)

Dp doesn't care-hes heard me explain a few stories (like the one where they attacked me on boxing day with a huge knife for cutting the wrong cheese and how my mother laughed when I was assaulted and dined out on this story for months)

He'll never meet them and he doesn't care

He fell in love with me-not them

I adore his family,they are my family and that's the end of that (id respect him if he went nc with his own family for his own reasons but they are too lovely for him to ever do that)

It's not me that is the problem

I would see it as a plus as I don’t have a great relationship with to my own family, and it would be fewer in-laws to contend with. Like most things, the right person will understand, but it might take longer to find the right person.

My partner doesn't speak to his parents or sister, but we are in contact and have excellent relationships with his sisters children. We have often discussed his childhood and the reasons why he went NC but I have never in ten years made any kind of attempt to encourage him to speak to them and I would never.

Its entirely his choice and the choice he made was the right one. Learning about it also helped me understand who he is and why he is who he is. I support him no matter what and his expectations of a relationship have stopped me accepting shit from people!

No one has the right to tell you who you should have a relationship with and if they can't respect your choices and advocate for you against a flying monkey, they're not the right person for you.

So many people would understand. I’m estranged from my family by choice (they are all so toxic) and my partner understands. His family are really close too but he gets that my family are damaging to be around.

I’m surprised men care to be honest, no in-laws to worry about.

Pfft my ex BF never even asked why I didn't see parents, I don't know if he ever twigged.

@SweetManateeOfGalilee that sounds horrendous. I hope your sister has the support she needs.

@Backat totally agree

@YourQuietOliveCourage you mention the scarlet letter. I think you probably feel that more than other people see it.

Sending respect and sympathy to the strong people on this thread who have felt they had no choice but to protect themselves. Nobody wants a family that requires NC.

I went NC with my mother 15 years ago and haven’t looked back. She is manipulative, jealous, judgemental and ruined my teens by involving me in her affair. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t my fault.

I have recently gone NC with my brother because I had to take him to small claims court to get him to pay what I was due from our father’s will. Pretty sure that wasn’t my fault either!

The judgemental people don’t know what it’s like and aren’t open to understanding. That’s on them. I questioned myself, because it seemed like I was the problem. I was just unlucky to be born into that family. My best friend has suggested I’m adopted!
Either way, my fiance doesn’t care. He’s supported me going NC with my brother. When someone gets to know you, I’m sure you’ll explain why you are NC and they will understand. If they don’t, that’s on them. But there are decent men and decent people in general who won’t judge and will love and respect you for having the strength for protecting yourself.

I don't speak to my brother because he's a cunt. If someone thinks badly of me for that, so fucking what.

I could go on for hours about what he did (including telling my sister she should have made better choices and maybe she wouldn't have been raped and abused) , but I don't need to.

If they don't accept you accept you for you then they don't deserve you.

That's all

I don’t speak to my mum, sister or brother. My husband is supportive of this and knows our life is better without them.
When I’ve let other people know though (work colleagues) I get a lot of… But she’s your mum comments. I get it, to most people disowning your mum is unthinkable, lucky them.

I wouldn’t give a shit if someone was estranged from their family. They’ve probably got a good reason to take a drastic step like that.

Don't worry about it. I was friends with a woman at work who just said she didn't have anything to do with her family because they weren't very nice people and enjoyed hurting her. How could anybody think she was to blame for that or that she should do something about it?

Op, don't concern yourself with others negative opinions. If a man doesn't get your circumstance, don't bother explaining yourself. Unfortunately people can't help if they have awful families, then cutting ties. Sometimes it has to be done sooner or later.

I used to think the same. But then I met my now husband who had a similar situation to me. Half the family decent people, the other half batshit insane. We both keep the crazies at very long arms length, embrace the supportive family and nurture friendships outside blood relations too.

No one has questioned me in a long time but if they did I would ask them this.
Do bad people in the world exist?
Yes
Are those bad people capable of having children that are neglected and abused?
Yes
Would you hang around with these bad people willingly?
No
Then why the hell would I just because I had the misfortune to be born to them?!

One who wants you to be happy?
One who respects you as someone able to make their own decisions?
One who admires strong women?

(And one who doesn't want to be stuck with annoying in laws 😂).

I think many people will admire you, OP.

Why should they care.
It's you their dating and not the family.

How do you know

You'll meet people like a previous poster who decides you're the problem - that's fine, it's absolutely their loss.

DH asked some questions when I told him I was NC from my siblings, my aunt, and my cousins, and only in contact with my uncle.

Thankfully the sentence "the last time I saw my brother he threatened to set my home on fire with my children in it... and the last time I saw my other siblings they tried to persuade ME to apologise to him because it would calm him down..." made him realise I was better off without them. And then later as he heard more and more stories he said if I ever had contact with them he'd consider me putting myself and my kids in danger.

Some people just don't get it. They don't understand how they're can be no way back, or how the one person who speaks up/walks away can end up being ostracised by the whole family. I met a guy once who couldn't see why I wouldn't give my brother a "second chance" and couldn't grasp that I had, many times, so I didn't give him a second chance either.

Yep. I watched a horrific true crime recently from a crime that happened in the U.S. So long story short this young woman was murdered along with her husband and it went unsolved for two decades.

But how it relates to this thread is that it turned out in the end that the killer was none other than her “protective” brother. When they reopened the case the second time around they found out from the brothers wife that she and out lots of people in his family knew he had been raping his now dead sister since she was 9 until her late teens. He also was openly angry that she thought she was “too good for her family now” after marrying a nice man and buying a house with lots of land.

And they hadn’t thought to mention that to the police before or after she was murdered during the original investigation.

This was the motivation for him killing his 20 something year old sister - jealousy that she moved on from this vile abuse and found a nice man. It was also triggered by her saying no to her parents moving their RV into her and her husbands land.

This poor woman would’ve maybe had a chance if she had cut off her family and moved to another state. Most of them were complicit.

After the conviction his mother still stood by him and denied it was him who killed her daughter /his sister, despite the overwhelming evidence and the fact even he admitted to the prolonged sexual abuse in their childhood.

Often severe dysfunction runs through a whole family and even those who are not actively toxic can act as messengers aka “Flying monkeys” for narcs controlling them. Unfortunately some people do need to cut off most or all of their family and no it doesn’t meant they are a problem.

You are not alone OP I think it’s far more common than we realise because people don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I wouldn’t judge anyone , I’d think good for them for being strong enough to get toxic people out of their life . Not everyone is born into a good family

The right man won't give two hoots about you being estranged from your family.

Any man who gets to knows you but judges you for being estranged from your family, or having a poor family or having a dysfunctional family isn't worth your time. He may get upset for you but he shouldn't be upset at you.

She isn't the one thats the problem!

If this guy cares about you he wont care.
There is a lot to be said for the adage "those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter".

This is spot on. If someone really can’t wrap their head around it after you’ve explained it to them and sees you as a red flag they’re not your person. Plain and simple.

Personally I like smart empathetic people who can see things from different perspectives. So a man is revealing himself if he does judge me for the family I’m from.

My ex was from a “perfect” family who went on family holidays to Cornwall each year and he didn’t judge me negatively for being LC and NC with certain family members.