Page 2 | Devastated: boy keeps trying to touch DD's private parts

Allthatshines1992 · 24/09/2025 23:08

DevastatedMama · 24/09/2025 19:35

My DD started Reception this year. She absolutely loves school and was so excited to start. She's been so happy there and thriving already, and I've been so relieved and proud.
Fast forward to today, and while chatting about what new friends she's made, she mentioned this boy is constantly chasing her at play time and tries and touch her private parts, even putting his hands down her pants. She's told him no, but he doesn't stop. I called the school straight away, and they'll talk to the boy and his parents, and will talk to the class about private parts, boundaries etc. starting tomorrow.

I am absolutely devastated though, thinking that for the past few days, that's what has been happening to her while I think she's safe at school, and now the idea of sending her back tomorrow and for years to come makes me feel sick to my core. The most dramatic part of me wants to instantly homeschool her (I know it wouldn't work for me or for her though) or to demand that this boy is put in another class (although as this happens mainly at break time, I'm not sure that'd make a difference).

What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen, ever again? Can I ask the teachers to keep an eye always, and keep him away from her at all times? I know this probably isn't possibel though. Anyone has been through this?
I genuinely feel physically sick and also devastated as she really loves school and no2 has to endure this physically harassment. I'm gutted!

Boy needs to be expelled. I'd call police and see what they can do about it. Maybe he is being abused himself and needs rehoming.

DramaLlamacchiato · 24/09/2025 23:01

Fitzcarraldo353 · 24/09/2025 19:37

Is be talking to the safeguarding lead at the school. It's a safeguarding issue for your DD and I'd want to know how they're protecting her but it's also a massive safeguarding responsibility flag for the boy. The school can't and won't tell you what they do in terms of the boy but I'd want to make sure the safeguarding lead is aware of it.

This

Its awful for your daughter which is clearly your concern, but for a 4 year old to be behaving like this is a huge red flag x

Original poster

DevastatedMama · 24/09/2025 22:58

neverbeenskiing · 24/09/2025 21:44

School safeguarding lead here. This scenario is much more common than people think.

It is not unusual for Reception aged children to be highly curious about bodies and about private parts in particular. Among this age group showing/asking to see others private parts or thinking it's funny to touch another child there is quite common. When this happens, in the first instance we would talk to the children involved individually, to make sure they understand that what happened was not safe and not appropriate. The same day the class teacher would also re-cap Protective Behaviours with the whole class (teaches an ability to recognise when we are not feeling safe, seek help when needed and respect others right to feel safe) which is part of our PSHE curriculum and something we teach all children.

Parents would be spoken to, directed to resources like the NSPCC pants rule etc and asked to re-enforce the "private parts are private" message at home.

The child who had been touched would be directed to a designated person/place to go to if they had any worries or felt unsafe in any way at break times. A TA would be asked to check in with them regularly to make sure they were ok. Seating plans would be rejigged so they did not have to sit near the child in question. Their parents would also be spoken to and I would be encouraging them to contact me directly with any further concerns.

The child would be monitored and if there were repeat incidents of inappropriate touching, despite them having been given very clear messages about it being unsafe and not ok, then that would raise a higher level of concern. We would ensure the child was supervised 1:1 by a member of staff at all times, including at break times and being escorted to and from the toilet, not easy at all as there would be no additional funding, and our staff are already spread very thin, but we would make it work. We would be seeking advice from Children's Services at this point, although in my experience they would not necessarily take any action aside from advising us to do the things listed above, which we would already have done. They would most likely only get involved directly after repeated referrals, if the behaviour escalated in severity, if there were also concerns about the child's behaviour towards siblings at home, or if the child disclosed abuse or was saying things (referencing sexual acts or using explicit language for example) that suggested they were being abused.

Many posters on this thread will make assumptions that any child who inappropriately touches another child must have been sexually abused. This is not necessarily the case, although we absolutely would be vigilant to that possibility. The idea that Children's Services would automatically "look into" this child's home life based on the behaviour described in the OP is not realistic I'm afraid.

My advice OP would be to speak to the DSL at your school and hear them out. If you're not reassured after your conversation then contact Children's Services, you should be able to find the number for your local Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub via a quick Internet search.

Calling the Police is pointless in the scenario described in the OP. They will not even log it because no crime has been commited. They would tell you to speak to your child's school and if you're still concerned, contact Children's Services. They will not get involved.

Edited

This is very, very helpful! Thank you so, so much for taking the time to explain this so clearly. It is also reassuring, I truly appreciate it.

OP posts:

Horsie · 24/09/2025 22:54

Mischance · 24/09/2025 21:31

You have told the school. They will be all over this.

I really hope so.

Clangershome · 24/09/2025 22:54

Omg this is horrific at this age. The boy has learned this behaviour from somewhere and is replicating. The school is not doing enough. Talking about private parts is not enough. His carers need to be informed and brought into school and the boy needs to be asked questioned himself as he may be being abused himself. This is not normal regular behaviour.

i would totally advise to not send your child back until they have dealt with the situation. Going forward I myself would totally change schools as I couldn’t bare it. I home ed my girls (mine is autistic and school made her dreadfully unhappy). Took her out when she was 5. She has just turned 7. She has lots of home ed friends and we have such a lovely life. I definitely recommend home ed.

do not let this slide from the school point of view. I’m an ex teacher pre kids. School has responsibility here to safeguard your child. They can remove him into another class, separate break times, all sorts. Put him on watch to see if he is doing to others. Do not back down. Good luck. Your girl, your rules! X

Eskarina1 · 24/09/2025 22:48

Nestnearlyempty · 24/09/2025 21:01

I experienced something like this when I was young- albeit not in school premises. I know this is sexual harassment but your daughter won’t understand that at her age- and she needs to experience that this and any consequences are not her fault. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to play at the house of someone I thought was my friend and I thought it was all my fault- until years later I realised it wasn’t. And then I started questioning what had been said by whom and about whom at the time.

The good news is she loves school and from what you said this hasn’t traumatised her up to now- so if you and the school work closely together you can ensure her safety and hopefully rebuild your confidence in them, without scaring her.

sendinglots of love- it’s every parents nightmare to send your child
off to school assuming they will be safe and then something like this happens.

I also had a similar experience at a young age, although it was most of the girls being targeted and most of the boys doing it. I agree, I didn't really get it at the time and I'm not traumatised. I was the only girl to say no and the only one to tell my parents. I did feel guilty about the sudden increase in playground monitoring so I agree supporting her to see the consequences are not her fault is important.

Horsie · 24/09/2025 22:42

OP, you have my full sympathies. This sounds horrendous.

I do hope that the boy is going to be suspended for a while. Also hope Social Services will look into it. I'd ring them up and tell them myself, too. I wouldn't trust the wheels to turn.

I'd also tell the police, not because they're going to arrest a four-year-old boy, but because it strongly suggests that the boy is being abused.

And I'd go into the school and raise hell. If the boy isn't excluded, he needs to be kept indoors at break times, so your daughter doesn't have to worry.

Who would ever have thought this sort of thing would happen so young! I'm fuming on your behalf, OP. Older girls and women have to put up with being catcalled and harassed, and apparently four-year-olds have to put up with it too! 🤬

I wonder if you could take advice from a child therapist as to how to restore your daughter's trust in others? I wouldn't be surprised if this has shaken it. And obvs send her to school in trousers if the boy isn't excluded, and sod the rules. 🤬🤬🤬

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/09/2025 22:41

@DevastatedMama Oh I’d be telling the school never to let the child near mine again and they best make sure of that .

Flopsy145 · 24/09/2025 22:38

Do you know the boys name? We have a class WhatsApp group and as much as it wouldn't be advised I would be sending a very stern message to the parents if I knew them. And tbh I would bring holy hell down on the school if they didn't immediately ensure he could not touch or be near my child ever again

BookArt55 · 24/09/2025 22:23

Agree with a lot said about DSL and having a meeting.

But on the positive side... your daughter felt strong enough to tell him no repeatedly. And even more importantly she felt confident to speak to you about it. Firstly, what are amazing little one you have, I would be praising her and rewarding her for keeping herself safe and articulating it. How wonderful she has a safe space to do that, especially given the recent big change of starting primary.
Secondly, well done to you. Your daughter knew it wasn't right, trusted her gut, felt safe amd loved to talk to you... you're doing a great job.
Sorry your daughter has had to deal with that. But just wanted to say that I'm so glad she has been able to get help and hasn't suffered in silence.

BigOldBlobsy · 24/09/2025 22:21

OddsReally · 24/09/2025 19:42

This is the statutory guidance that schools and colleges in England must follow.

It will help you to know what the school must do.

Part 5 - Child on Child Sexual Violence and Sexual Harrassment is the relevant section.
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/68add931969253904d155860/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_from_1_September_2025.pdf

This is important but also to consider that at this age depending on various factors such as : has this child done this to others, their own history, the exploration of the intent behind the behaviour etc…the school (or potentially social care) would need to determine is this harmful sexual behaviour, inappropriate sexual behaviour or actually within the scope of normal childhood sexual development.

Its awful for your DD, school can absolutely work on safe boundaries and do that work 1:1 with him and with the class, and depending on severity they may want to increase the observation of this child. There’s lots of nuance here though and it isn’t as black and white as you might think. there may be risk assessments, there may be social care assessments, there may be 1:1 support put in place.

DD can get support as well from school, she may or may not want it

due to age Police cannot action it so it is more school and social care

It needs exploring properly, as sexual harassment has a sexual motive, children of this age are experiencing sexual development in a different way, so it may be that there isn’t actually a sexual motive but it is learn behaviour or the child has seen something
Not okay regardless but having worked in this area, both children will need supporting to prevent further harm

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:19

beAsensible1 · 24/09/2025 22:04

I’d honestly be reporting the family to social services.

Not surprised some will report. The boys family needs a slap on the hand

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 24/09/2025 22:18

I’m so sorry this has happened. Absolutely inexcusable that this has happened more than once and the adults meant to be looking after your daughter were not even aware until she reported it!!

If it were me I would not be keeping this in school and I’d be reporting directly to my council’s child protection line. Most councils will have a number you can call or a form you can complete to report and this should all be easy to find online if you search for the name of your council and “child protection.” I would not trust a school that has not even picked up on this issue to put enough in place to protect her. Personally, I’d also be keeping her off school until I was convinced she was safe.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 24/09/2025 22:17

Sugargliderwombat · 24/09/2025 22:12

The legal ratio is 1:30.

Show quote history

I get that, it wasn't one incident, he is chasing her down, surely someone should notice on yard duty and definitely notice if it happens in the classroom.

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:17

itsgettingweird · 24/09/2025 19:43

I completely understand how you feel.

But be proud of yourself for raising a daughter who stood and said no firmly to the boy - you’ve done a good job and she’s clearly a bright girls with good boundaries.

The sad reality of life is that you cant stop the bad - you can only do what you’ve done and teach how to not accept it.

Edited

Home educated kids don't have to deal with this crap.

AllIsWellBecause · 24/09/2025 22:15

YelloDaisy · 24/09/2025 19:56

Can she wear some tight stretch shorts under her dress for a while in case it isn’t resolved.

The boy shouldn't touch Wether she has shorts, bikinis, pants, nickers or just nothing under her shirt!!!

usedtobeaylis · 24/09/2025 22:13

sundaychairtree · 24/09/2025 22:08

Ok so according to the sexual behaviour traffic light system,, 4 year olds wanting to touch yhe genitals of familiar children the same age falls within the 'green light' ie normal healthy age appropriate curiosity. Talking , explaining and supporting are the recommended course of action.

I think there's a difference between healthy curiosity, and a child forcing their hand into the underwear of a other child tbh.

Naanspiration · 24/09/2025 22:12

You should expect this behaviour to end immediately. If it doesn't end then the school has failed in its legal duty to keep your daughter safe.

So if it ever happens again - you should meet with the head of the school and ask them to explain what steps they are going to take to keep your daughter and other girls safe.

This could involve assigning extra staff to watch this boy and prevent him from doing it again. Or it could involve a temporary removal of the boy from the school.

Absolutely do not stand for this behaviour!

You should also contact your local authority safeguarding team and make them aware. I would only do this if you are not satisfied with the schools response initially.

Also, stay calm in front of your daughter and do not let her sense your stress with the situation.

Daisymae55 · 24/09/2025 22:12

usedtobeaylis · 24/09/2025 22:10

Make sure that your daughter is not restricted in the name of safeguarding. Sometimes there's the temptation in schools to put distance between two children and protect one by removing them from situations instead of the other way around. Whatever is happening in the other child's home, they're still the one displaying potentially harmful behaviour. Your daughter's school life should be able to continue as normal.

**Edited a bit because I sounded like a reactionary idiot. Basically just make sure that your daughter isn't limited in being able to play freely with her friends in the playground.

Edited

Absolutely!!! Your child should not be punished by having her school experience restricted because of the actions of another child. But it also doesn’t help to protect the other children

Sugargliderwombat · 24/09/2025 22:12

EmeraldShamrock000 · 24/09/2025 22:10

How did this go unnoticed. The children should be heavily supervised in reception.

The legal ratio is 1:30.

Daisymae55 · 24/09/2025 22:11

This is absolutely horrific. I saw a thing on sky news the other day about this becoming more common but it’s truly terrifying.

This absolutey needs to be taken more seriously by the school and I hope when you speak to them tomorrow they take appropriate action and let you know exactly what will be done to safeguard your daughter.

Your DD has been amazing by speaking up and you’ve done a wonderful job teaching her to say no.

I want to thank you for sharing this though. It’s made me realise there are conversations I need to have with my own little girl to ensure she can be as brave and strong as your daughter has been should she ever find herself in this situation. It’s heartbreaking and disgusting that it’s something that needs to be considered.

I really hope appropriate action is taken and that your daughter never has to experience this again!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 24/09/2025 22:10

How did this go unnoticed. The children should be heavily supervised in reception.

usedtobeaylis · 24/09/2025 22:10

Make sure that your daughter is not restricted in the name of safeguarding. Sometimes there's the temptation in schools to put distance between two children and protect one by removing them from situations instead of the other way around. Whatever is happening in the other child's home, they're still the one displaying potentially harmful behaviour. Your daughter's school life should be able to continue as normal.

**Edited a bit because I sounded like a reactionary idiot. Basically just make sure that your daughter isn't limited in being able to play freely with her friends in the playground.

shuggles · 24/09/2025 22:09

@neverbeenskiing Finally, someone with a brain.

I'm surprised how many mumsnetters seem to have really bad memories. Children have always been curious about other children's private parts. Indeed, there's nothing to suggest that the boy is being sexually abuse.

(And before someone says it, no, I'm not saying the boy's behaviour is acceptable, or that it should be allowed to continue).

sundaychairtree · 24/09/2025 22:08

Ok so according to the sexual behaviour traffic light system,, 4 year olds wanting to touch yhe genitals of familiar children the same age falls within the 'green light' ie normal healthy age appropriate curiosity. Talking , explaining and supporting are the recommended course of action.