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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised and disappointed by this man's assumption?

87 replies

BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:12

Answered the door at lunchtime on a wfh day, it was a guy from ipsos wanting to do a survey. He had a proper ID etc.

I was happy to do the survey, and we went through the questions. One of them was about whether I was the primary income earner in the household. He read the question and then added, before I had an opportunity to respond, "presumably that's your husband". (I had already told him that I was married.)

AIBU to be surprised and disappointed that someone would still openly voice such an assumption in this day and age? Even if he thought it, I would have expected him to know better than to say it?

FWIW, the assumption was incorrect but that shouldn't really matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 16:15

JayJayj · 24/09/2025 16:06

I’ve had similar happen through the years. When sorting out health insurance for the mortgage they guy said shall we do it 60/40 for your husband to cover earnings. I said “well I earn more so surely that should be to me. He was oh we will do 50/50 then. But why when we’d loose more money if I was out of work?

Friends of my husband were chatting and said something about me spending his (husbands) money. And was shocked that I earned more.

It is sad that misogyny still is this bad.

It is sad, really. Can I ask if you pointed out the sexism on either of these occasions? I'm feeling a bit pathetic for not having said something at the time.

OP posts:
JayJayj · 24/09/2025 16:06

I’ve had similar happen through the years. When sorting out health insurance for the mortgage they guy said shall we do it 60/40 for your husband to cover earnings. I said “well I earn more so surely that should be to me. He was oh we will do 50/50 then. But why when we’d loose more money if I was out of work?

Friends of my husband were chatting and said something about me spending his (husbands) money. And was shocked that I earned more.

It is sad that misogyny still is this bad.

Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 15:54

holrosea · 24/09/2025 14:40

I was recently stopped in a shopping centre when an older gentleman asked me to participate in a survey about the potential rennovation of the parking areas.

After all the "how long do you usually spend shopping?" and "do you feel safe in the parking areas?", he asked my age bracket (35-44), then civil status (single), and if I had children (no).

He started shaking his head and said "that's not normal" two or three times.

I was completely taken aback and didn't really know what to do in the moment. I thought "he's nearly 70, he's a different generation", and "I don't want to explain my relationship status, or lack thereof, to a stranger in a shopping centre", so I effectively ignored it.

I must have looked upset because he then went on to say that he hoped he hadn't offended me, just that "it's a shame for an attractive young woman to be alone". At which point my eyes rolled far back enough in my head it looked like an exorcism, and I wished aliens would beam him away.

Sorry you got a dose of this idiocy too.

Wow, that's on a whole other level tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 15:53

Imbrocator · 24/09/2025 14:25

I still think it’s worth bringing up. It may not have affected your results but it is bad technique to feed the person an expected answer. For someone with a worse grasp of English or who was less assertive it could have a negative effect on accuracy. Not to mention it’s rude!

If you don’t want to get him in trouble then yes maybe do leave a politely worded note for him. If he’s been decent the rest of the time hopefully he’ll take that on board.

Show quote history

Thank you. I'll think about doing that. I take on board what a pp said about him probably being relatively unskilled. I don't want him to lose his job over it, but might feel better for having at least pointed out why it wasn't appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 15:52

Gotback · 24/09/2025 14:03

I had a similar thing happen with a phone survey. It was about 10 years ago but still it felt like a comment from the 1950s. Bloke asked me what my current work status was and I said "unemployed" because I was (for about 6 months) and he said "So, housewife?" and I said "No, I'm unemployed at the moment" and he said "Shall I just put housewife?" and for the third time & with an annoyed tone I said "NO. I am not a housewife. I am unemployed." He was really quite huffy about it. Weird.

Edited

That's awful!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 15:49

Dontlletmedownbruce · 24/09/2025 14:58

There is a big difference IMO between asking a mother if she works outside the home and assuming that the male is the breadwinner when both partners work from home. So for example if you were home during the day with a child I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume you were SAHM. However the way he phrased it was wrong and presumptuous so I would be annoyed too

This reminds me of a few years ago when I was up a ladder painting when a tradesman called. I said sorry for the mess I'm just in the middle of painting etc and he said : 'a housewife painting! Well I've seen it all now...'. I was too surprised to even respond. It makes no sense on every level.. surely a 'housewife' would have traditionally done the painting too, was keeping house not literally their job description?. I can't imagine being home all day then asking DH to spend his evening doing house related work, that seems very unfair! However it seems thats how it was in his experience. That's before we even get to the presumption that I don't work and using such an outdated term.

God, what is wrong with these men!

He definitely didn't think I was a SAHP, firstly because I had already told him that I work full time and secondly because I had also told him that my dd was away at uni and there were no children living in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 15:47

cool4cats2020 · 24/09/2025 14:09

Presumably your husband is the primary earner? Seeing as you've got time to stand on the doorstep chatting to random survey people in the middle of the day.

Erm, no. I am the primary earner and I work in a senior role. As long as I get the job done, I have the freedom to work as flexibly as I like. I don't typically stick to office hours, but I was actually working on office hours on the day in question and the conversation happened during my lunchbreak.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 24/09/2025 14:58

There is a big difference IMO between asking a mother if she works outside the home and assuming that the male is the breadwinner when both partners work from home. So for example if you were home during the day with a child I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume you were SAHM. However the way he phrased it was wrong and presumptuous so I would be annoyed too

This reminds me of a few years ago when I was up a ladder painting when a tradesman called. I said sorry for the mess I'm just in the middle of painting etc and he said : 'a housewife painting! Well I've seen it all now...'. I was too surprised to even respond. It makes no sense on every level.. surely a 'housewife' would have traditionally done the painting too, was keeping house not literally their job description?. I can't imagine being home all day then asking DH to spend his evening doing house related work, that seems very unfair! However it seems thats how it was in his experience. That's before we even get to the presumption that I don't work and using such an outdated term.

holrosea · 24/09/2025 14:43

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 14:41

Are you being serious?

Show quote history

Unfortunately, yes.

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 14:41

holrosea · 24/09/2025 14:40

I was recently stopped in a shopping centre when an older gentleman asked me to participate in a survey about the potential rennovation of the parking areas.

After all the "how long do you usually spend shopping?" and "do you feel safe in the parking areas?", he asked my age bracket (35-44), then civil status (single), and if I had children (no).

He started shaking his head and said "that's not normal" two or three times.

I was completely taken aback and didn't really know what to do in the moment. I thought "he's nearly 70, he's a different generation", and "I don't want to explain my relationship status, or lack thereof, to a stranger in a shopping centre", so I effectively ignored it.

I must have looked upset because he then went on to say that he hoped he hadn't offended me, just that "it's a shame for an attractive young woman to be alone". At which point my eyes rolled far back enough in my head it looked like an exorcism, and I wished aliens would beam him away.

Sorry you got a dose of this idiocy too.

Are you being serious?

holrosea · 24/09/2025 14:40

I was recently stopped in a shopping centre when an older gentleman asked me to participate in a survey about the potential rennovation of the parking areas.

After all the "how long do you usually spend shopping?" and "do you feel safe in the parking areas?", he asked my age bracket (35-44), then civil status (single), and if I had children (no).

He started shaking his head and said "that's not normal" two or three times.

I was completely taken aback and didn't really know what to do in the moment. I thought "he's nearly 70, he's a different generation", and "I don't want to explain my relationship status, or lack thereof, to a stranger in a shopping centre", so I effectively ignored it.

I must have looked upset because he then went on to say that he hoped he hadn't offended me, just that "it's a shame for an attractive young woman to be alone". At which point my eyes rolled far back enough in my head it looked like an exorcism, and I wished aliens would beam him away.

Sorry you got a dose of this idiocy too.

Imbrocator · 24/09/2025 14:25

BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:58

Yes, I don't think it would have actually affected the survey responses because I gave him the correct answer and I assume that he recorded it as such, but perhaps I should feed back somehow, because it was inappropriate.

I actually agreed to keep a one-week diary of my radio listening habits which he will come to collect on a specific date. Ironically, I won't be at home when he comes because I will be at work, but DH will, so I guess I could write a note or ask DH to say something to him then. Would that be OTT?!

The right time to respond would obviously have been there and then, and I'm kicking myself for not having addressed it immediately, but I can't change that now.

I don't particularly want to get the guy into trouble, as he was perfectly pleasant apart from that comment, but it did annoy me and I kind of think that the point should be made.

Show quote history

I still think it’s worth bringing up. It may not have affected your results but it is bad technique to feed the person an expected answer. For someone with a worse grasp of English or who was less assertive it could have a negative effect on accuracy. Not to mention it’s rude!

If you don’t want to get him in trouble then yes maybe do leave a politely worded note for him. If he’s been decent the rest of the time hopefully he’ll take that on board.

toomuchfaff · 24/09/2025 14:13

cool4cats2020 · 24/09/2025 14:09

Presumably your husband is the primary earner? Seeing as you've got time to stand on the doorstep chatting to random survey people in the middle of the day.

😆 well obviously you know nothing about roles and responsibilities.

Many senior roles can and are carried out by people wfh... and the more senior, the more flexibility

toomuchfaff · 24/09/2025 14:12

LadyKenya · 24/09/2025 13:28

I would have terminated the survey, then, and there citing the need to go back to work🙄.

Yes, id like to think id have had the gumption to say - no need for me to carry on as you obviously have all the answers in your head!

cool4cats2020 · 24/09/2025 14:09

Presumably your husband is the primary earner? Seeing as you've got time to stand on the doorstep chatting to random survey people in the middle of the day.

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 14:03

BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:58

I'm rubbish at guessing ages, maybe in his 50s?

Show quote history

Oh…. Don’t suppose he envisaged he’d be on near minimum wage doing door to door surveys in the twilight of his “career”!

He went off script, without thinking, bit daft but I wouldn’t be depressed at a >50 year old man unskilled worker making a silly presumption.

No >50 year old man in law, medicine etc would make the same stupid assumption

Gotback · 24/09/2025 14:03

I had a similar thing happen with a phone survey. It was about 10 years ago but still it felt like a comment from the 1950s. Bloke asked me what my current work status was and I said "unemployed" because I was (for about 6 months) and he said "So, housewife?" and I said "No, I'm unemployed at the moment" and he said "Shall I just put housewife?" and for the third time & with an annoyed tone I said "NO. I am not a housewife. I am unemployed." He was really quite huffy about it. Weird.

Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:58

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 13:55

How old was he?

I'm rubbish at guessing ages, maybe in his 50s?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:58

Imbrocator · 24/09/2025 13:51

Can you feed back to IPSOS? This kind of questioning can bias the survey and I expect they would want to know about it. Be good to flag up as both offensive and a bad surveying technique.

Yes, I don't think it would have actually affected the survey responses because I gave him the correct answer and I assume that he recorded it as such, but perhaps I should feed back somehow, because it was inappropriate.

I actually agreed to keep a one-week diary of my radio listening habits which he will come to collect on a specific date. Ironically, I won't be at home when he comes because I will be at work, but DH will, so I guess I could write a note or ask DH to say something to him then. Would that be OTT?!

The right time to respond would obviously have been there and then, and I'm kicking myself for not having addressed it immediately, but I can't change that now.

I don't particularly want to get the guy into trouble, as he was perfectly pleasant apart from that comment, but it did annoy me and I kind of think that the point should be made.

OP posts:
Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 13:55

How old was he?

Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:51

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 13:45

What was the survey for? Usually they give background and context?

and what was the question? “Who is the higher earner” ?

The survey was about radio listening habits, but there were some general background questions before that.

I don't actually recall the exact wording of the question. I think it was "are you the primary earner in the household?" or similar. It definitely was an "are you" question rather than a "who is" question, and it was definitely asking if I was the main breadwinner, but I'm afraid I don't remember the exact wording.

OP posts:
Imbrocator · 24/09/2025 13:51

Can you feed back to IPSOS? This kind of questioning can bias the survey and I expect they would want to know about it. Be good to flag up as both offensive and a bad surveying technique.

ChaToilLeam · 24/09/2025 13:47

Clearly he needs to get used to living in the 21st century!

Sheiswaiting · 24/09/2025 13:45

What was the survey for? Usually they give background and context?

and what was the question? “Who is the higher earner” ?

Original poster
BeHappySloth · 24/09/2025 13:33

SilenceInside · 24/09/2025 13:29

There is a difference between making an assumption, hopefully based on something factual like the existing disparity in wages between women and men, and actually voicing it out loud.

If this chap was doing a survey, he should not be making any assumptions about any of the data he is trying to gather, as that's rather the point of collecting data in the first place. How simple would it be to just have asked "who in the household is the primary income earner?" - no need for his opinions as well.

Yes, I agree. It's possible he just thought that was background information as the focus of the survey was something completely unrelated.

I am not really surprised that there are still people making this assumption. I was just really surprised that someone would say it out loud, especially in a work context.

OP posts: