AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

No, it’s not unreasonable.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. She rents the place and you rent a room from her and split the cost. She’s had people stay the night. I understand she may not like it that much having someone round she doesn’t know too well but that’s part of the downside of flat sharing. I can’t see why it’d be fair for her to have people over but not you. I guess because she rents from a family member she feels like she kind of has more claim to the place? I think you can only speak to her and maybe say you’re planning for your BF to stay on x night because you have an event the next day and just letting her know (as opposed to asking permission). If she takes issue, you might need to start looking for somewhere else.

You're not unreasonable to ask and if she still says no then I think it's fair of her to give you a little more of an explanation. Apparently she's not against having boyfriends stay over (although she may put her boyfriend in a different category from yours for some reason) and she knows/likes your boyfriend and doesn't mind if he stays when she's away, so perhaps she just doesn't want too many people in the house overnight or won't feel as relaxed with someone else there?

It sounds like you gave in pretty easily last time; I might try something more like telling her Dave will be staying over x night because the 2 of you have to be at your location at z time the next morning, and if she says can you stay at his say no, it's too far away. She may still say no and I wouldn't have him stay if she does - but you may at least get a better idea of what she's thinking. If this were a completely equal housemate situation then the two of you would probably have discussed overnight guests before moving in together.

My partner lives in a similar arrangement.
His friend is the tenant and was there first. My partner pays a set amount including bills. The landlord is aware and happy. I could stay over whenever I want. The only time we asked for any permission was if I could bring my dog .
We tend to stay at mine as it's cleaner 😆

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to bring your BF back from time to time, but your issue is that it sounds like you are in a more precarious situation than your housemate. You are not on the lease, you’re effectively subletting from her, and the rental is through her family member. If she wants to kick you out, she’s going to be able to. You aren’t going to be able to stay if she’s unhappy.

So I think you need a sit down chat with her about why she isn’t okay with you bringing your BF back when she’s there, even though she brings her partners back when you’re there. See what she says and take it from there.

I lodged with a woman for a while when I relocated cities. We both had boyfriends. Hers stayed over for at least half of every week. I wasn't allowed to have mine stay. That was one of the reasons I moved out after 9 months.

But as its her tenancy (regardless of whether there is a formal tenancy agreement or not) it's her rule that counts. Put up with it or move out.

I think this changes things, I was going to say YABU but if she has men she’s romantically involved with over at the house but yet doesn’t allow you to bring your boyfriend over that seems a bit unfair legalities aside.

She may be entitled to lay down the law like that as the lead tenant but it seems unfair. I lived with a landlord like that, she rented the whole place and subletted the room to me
and she had all these rules for me which seemingly didn’t apply to her. I left after a few months to a one bed flat owned by a friend who lived abroad!

All that being said you have a choice - move out now and salvage the friendship or else you might grow resentful as well not being able to do what you want to do in your home.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about this, making it very clear, once again, that it would not be a regular occurrence. My feeling is she needs reassurance. Though the house is rented and you pay your share, it is still basically her home first and foremost.

There are a few things to be considered. One is the bathroom. I am presuming there is only one in a two bedroomed house.

If you can talk about this openly, letting her air any misgivings, reassuring her, I feel she would be OK with him staying sometimes. It certainly would make life easier for you. However she needs to relax, Perhaps once she has met your boyfriend, she'll like him and be fine, particularly if he is laid back and pleasant, courteous and considerate. Only you know that at the moment.

Talk and see how it goes. It's lovely that you now have a nice chap and I wish you well.

Then you say ‘Sally, my partner is staying for a night this weekend. Ive been thinking, this will never happen more than once a month, you have people stay and that’s totally fine, but if you’re not happy with me occasionally having John and think I should just drive 70 miles instead, then I want to move house, as I’m not happy living somewhere I don’t have that option. I could understand better if you never ever had anyone stay but that’s not the case. So if you really can’t cope with him staying Saturday let me know and I’ll start looking around.

So I think you have another polite conversation with her, say you are disappointed, and if she continues to say no then you suggest that you will start to look for somewhere more suitable given your new circumstances. Only say that though if you are prepared to carry it through.

To be honest, I think I'd just tell her:
'BTW, Bob is staying over Friday as we are going somewhere local in the morning'.

Did you actually say anything back to her when she said 'are you ok to stay at his?' the first time? Because I would have just said 'No, he lives miles away and we have to be at xx at 10' or similar.

I would tell her he's staying rather than ask.
"Hey Mary, what are your plans for Saturday? Oh BTW john is staying over Friday night as we will go to xyz on Saturday "
I think it's rude of your friend to have people over but then lord over you and dictate who can visit

OP, I notice you haven't given any details on the financial split. Is it 50/50 for rent and bills?

There's also another issue here, which is that the house belongs to a family member of the colleague. The colleague was there first, and it belongs to her relative, and OP is effectively a lodger, since there's no formal agreement. The fact that it belongs to the colleague's family and that she was there first means it's not surprising for there to be a landlady/lodger dynamic. And then OP doesn't have much of a leg to stand on because of the lack of formal agreement or joint tenancy, so she has no leverage with which to override the dynamic.

OP, if you want to stay longer and save up more, I really wouldn't make a fuss about this. Don't spoil a situation that suits you over the question of a rare night here and there. She's probably concerned that saying yes once will open the floodgates. Anyone would be concerned about that. And maybe it's not fair that she doesn't want your bf there, but this is one of those situations where that's just life.

With your early start, take the opportunity to have a romantic night in a hotel nearby.

My brother was exactly in the same situation and while not formally her landlady, she was treated as such as it was her name on the contract, most of the furnishing were hers, etc. In practical terms you’re kind of her lodger, yeah.

I would press a bit (ie ask directly why he can’t stay) but ultimately if she says no then it’s a no, imo.

I think the problem is that while you view the situation as a flatshare, your friend views you as her tenant, and feels that she can call the shots.

Can’t you just get a travelodge room (or B&B or whatever’s cheapest) locally for the night?

Never ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to. You asked, she said no, & whilst she’s not your landlady, she does have a kind of final say as if she asked you to leave, then that’s what you’d have to do.

Either speak to her to understand why she has said no (and perhaps try to change her mind) or accept her decision (& look for
somewhere else to live if you don’t like the decision).

You need to ask her directly what the issue is. Is it because you are all work colleagues? As you split the rent and the landlord is aware, I'd say you should be on an equal footing. How long are you planning to stay there? Perhaps you should ask for a tenancy agreement to be set up so you are on firmer ground. Alternatively, I would look for somewhere else to live.

I don't think it matters what anyone thinks but your housemate, since she's the one who decides. She doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of your BF staying overnight while she's home. You can ask why and see if you can convince her to change her mind. Otherwise, your options are to accept that she's not comfortable with it or move out sooner than you'd planned.

It's probably not unreasonable for you to want him to be able to stay, but I suspect I wouldn't like it, either, if I were your housemate.

I'd have an honest conversation with her. You're in a committed relationship (it's not like you bring a different bloke home every night) and it's impractical and impacting your enjoyment of living there because you can't have him stay over. Say if that's going to be the case, you'll look for somewhere else to live.

Even better, my best mate Caoimhe is from Ballymun!

I’m Irish 🙂

YANBU to ask her, since it sounds like you aren’t a lodger as such (you share bills equally? it’s just that it’s her name on the rental) and that she has bought (male?) dates home to stay over herself - whom presumably you don’t know well either. If she does that, then it would seem unreasonable not to also let your boyfriend stay over occasionally too, assuming as you say, that it’s not often enough to cause any increased bills etc.

(If you were a lodger or she didn’t let people you don’t know well stay over too, then you might be BU as not every woman is comfortable having male “strangers” staying in her house overnight).

OP, I think it is reasonable for you to have people to stay occasionally.
You were polite to ask.most wouldn't bother!
Maybe time to move elsewhere to give you more freedom and able to feel comfortable

I think you are going to have to address this with her directly.

Just ask her how she feels about you having your Bf to stay occasionally, because you got the idea from her reaction that she doesn’t seem keen - whereas you have no problem with her having had xyz overnight.

It’s a simple polite but direct conversation, and establishes an understanding that would normally bd made at the start of any housemate/ share / lodger agreement.

It seems totally reasonable that he does stay occasionally, so get it cleared up.