AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

I don't think it is.

As OP isn't on lease. Sadly the tenant (the friend) can set the rules.

I wouldn't like it if i was OP... Try and negotiate with pal or move out to a proper shared tenancy.

If people here are misreading the dynamic and its a genuine house share, rather than you renting a room from her dynamic where she sets the rules, why did you even ask her permission then? Just have your boyfriend around?

Well in all the house shares I was in while saving I was given a basic room rental agreement even tho I had run of the house to and clearly every single one of those said no overnight guests which I agreed to before signing. When I wanted friends or bfs to stay would book Travelodge or premier inn. If I'm not on the actual house lease I don't have all the rights of the one who does.

In legal terms, you're her lodger.

It doesn't matter if you don't call yourself that, or she doesn't - thems the facts and if she decides to kick you out without notice, you're standing on no legs.

So with that in mind - I would tread carefully - explain that you'd occasionally like your boyfriend to stay over, not so that you can have a wild night of passion with all the accompanying noises, but for practical reasons.

If this is never going to be acceptable to her, you're going to have to start looking for somewhere else to live.

But as I say, tread carefully because if you piss her off she could sling you out on your ear with no notice, and there is nothing you can do about that.

Sorry, I meant the friend’s stance is understandable, not OP’s.

There's a housing crisis, in case you didn't know. She'll have no problem finding another lodger, especially at such a reasonable rent.

Hopefully, it will be one who understands that consent is not transferable and knows how to take take 'no' for an answer. Even when the 'no' is from somebody with a vagina.

Oh, and OP... here's hoping you find yourself a bf who isn't too cheap to spring for a night in a hotel.

I see there have been drip feeds that I haven’t read. The fact that it is a family member’s house makes her stance more understandable. I agree that it doesn’t matter how much she charges op. She could actually have charged more than half the actual rent in order to make a bit of a profit.

This would also be my reason for saying no to (fairly new!) boyfriends staying over.

This.

If I needed the money from my lodger to afford the rent, which is the case here, I’d consider very carefully that my rules are reasonable and fair so my needed lodger doesn’t piss off and I’m interviewing complete strangers as fast as I can to come and live with me as I need their money.

Sorry, @RealAquaCat , you aren't in a flat share, you are a lodger. As such, you can't have overnight guests unless the tenant, your colleague, agrees.

It doesn't matter how much rent you pay. It doesn't matters that she rents from a family member. It doesn't matter whether she has guests to stay or not.

You are not equals sharing a home. She has the legal responsibilities so she calls the shots.

That doesn't stop you asking. Nor stop you moving out if she's intransigent about this.

I think people are reading too much into my post and making it something that it isn’t

Well, then, you haven't explained it properly.

I wouldn't have a strange man staying in my house either.

It's a family home, remember that.

Can't you go to his?

So shes allowed people to stay over, but you can't.....? Regardless of the housing arrangements (it reads house share to me byw) I would call her out on her double standards.

The people she has had stay over, did you know them etc? Another poster has a valid point of not paying half, if you're having to go
to.his on weekends.

The difference is, if the OP's friend has visitors, and they damage anything, the OP's friend will be responsible.

If the OP has visitors/boyfriends around and there's damage... the OP's friend will end up being responsible too.

So no, the responsibilities are not equal. The OP and her friend may be paying the same for rent, but the OP's friend holds a much larger responsibility than OP, and has to accordingly be more cautious about who she allows in the house. She is the one who will respond personally for any issues. Anything that breaks, disappears or is damaged in any way will end up being her responsibility. If the OP and her boyfriend have an argument and the neighbours complain, the OP's friend will have to respond for it. If the OP's boyfriend refused to leave or threatened the OP's friend, then it would be the OP's friend's problem too. All situations that happen with enough frequency in the rental world that she may want to avoid the risk. It is clear by the OP's description that the OP's friend is uncomfortable having people she has not personally chosen to stay in the house. And I think she has good reasons for it.

If the OP does not like this, she has the option of moving out, and her friend will look for another lodger.

Does she think it'll become a regular arrangement?

Do you split the rent/bills 50/50?

No, housemates have both a contract and both carry responsibilities. This is not the case here. The friend has the contract and op is the lodger

Exactly. The friend has the tenancy, and she invited OP to move in and help with the rent. It makes no odds that her landlord is a family member. She's still the tenant.

Unless @RealAquaCat has signed a tenancy agreement, in legal terms, her friend is the tenant and she is a lodger. There's no getting around it.

Personally I think that the friend shouldn't be splitting the rent equally if she's going to restrict OP from having the same rights to have visitors as she has, though.

I think you have to respect the fact that she doesn’t want him to stay over. She has her own reasons. She is helping you out: even though you pay rent it isn’t that much as you are able to save. You have to make the effort to go to his or you can both fork out for a hotel.

if I was generous to have a friend stay with me I would not want to hear her and her bf having sex and wouldn’t want a man I don’t know in my house. So, it is a no from me.

Her family member is technically your landlord, your friend has no say at all in who you bring over, as you've stated she's not your landlord. Don't ask permission anymore from her for anything. If she thinks she has a say, remind her.

As others have said, just tell her he's staying (in a respectful way) and let her bring it up if she's unhappy. Then you can have a discussion. But keep it minimal stays.

It's probably worth building a deposit fund if you don't already have one just in case this does go sour. You'll be able to move straight out.

I had a friend lodge with me for a few years and I wouldn't have dreamt of saying she couldn't have her fella round. I mean obvs no loud bedroom noises but its ridiculous for her to say no.

Ok but your other half is still a lodger I. This case and it’s up to the main renter to decide what they are comfortable with. As is op’s friend.

Well she's the lead tenant and subletting unofficially to you. I'd say yes generally you have to stick to her rules or move out. She obviously doesn't want your boyfriend there so if you don't like it, move out.

No, housemates have both a contract and both carry responsibilities. This is not the case here. The friend has the contract and op is the lodger

I think you're getting a really hard time about this. Of course she should let him stay over. As you've already said, he's not a random. What wouldn't be cool is him starting to stay all the time though.

Then she has no right to say you can't.

What's good for the goose and all that

If she is that financially desperate that you stay, then I would let her know that I am looking to find a place with a more reasonable flatmate