AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

For all the ones saying OPs friend is NBU for not wanting a strange man in their home, I agree.

However don’t you think it’s then pretty shit and unfair of OPs friend/LL/housemate to have male guests stay overnight without even asking OP?

Yes she may be legally within her right to do this double standard but it’s not great from a friendship POV.

OP you need to be direct with her and point this out, if she holds firm to her rule then just move out.

You are not on an official tenancy agreement. Your landlady is renting from a family member, who will automatically give her a priority if it came down to it. You don't have any rights here. She barely does without an official agreement tbh, but I assume her family would keep her housed and make allowances for her. You don't get that.

Find somewhere else. I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone to not want an related/strange man in their home.

Travel lodge for the weekend

I'd talk to her and ask if it's possible to have him over once a week. If she says no then look elsewhere to rent a room.

That does not mean she likes him or wants him in her home.

Can see why you’re annoyed, you’re paying half the rent, but not why you don’t want to think about ‘legalities’. You ‘housemate’ and the landlord/lady in her family have the primary arrangement. The ‘legalities’ are what means she calls the shots.

You don’t have any housing security and could be made to leave at short notice. (Of course you could also choose to leave).

In your situation I think I would nonetheless have BF to stay over, unless I was worried about my ability to be able to move out fast if your housemate tells you to do so.

Although she knows him, she probably wants to relax in her home at the weekends without someone of her choosing being around. It’s quite intimate sharing bathroom and kitchen space, especially with a couple.

As others have said, if your relationship is getting serious, then move out to a house share that allows partners to stay over.

I think she's being very unreasonable - you're not her lodger, you're flatmates, even though you don't have a rental agreement as you should.

I think you need to tell her that it doesn't suit having to stay in your boyfriends each weekend, so he'll be spending the odd Friday or Saturday night with you. If she disagrees you need to ask her what her concern is, as you've never onjected to her having overnight guests. If she claims she calls the shots as the lead tenent, time to move out.

She probably feels uneasy having a strange man in her home. Her house her rules

This. Because it’s not just an overnight, is it?

If she rents the house and you rent a room off her then you are her lodger no matter that it’s not a home she owns. Leave & go into a houseshare or accept the situation I thinknare your two options.

If you're sharing a rental equally you should have equal say in what is acceptable and what's not.

Because she's her lodger its not a houseshare.

I wouldn’t have asked.

You just need to say John staying over friday night as we have X in the morning. We’ll be gone by 8am.

No discussion.

I used to own my first home and had a lodger - never occurred to me to say no to overnight guests.

The other thing is, she will be worried that it’ll go from an occasional ask to a regular one, so she’s trying to establish her boundaries.

She is uncomfortable with it. So don’t ask again. You’re able to save money by sharing with her, so focus on that and get your own place in due course. Can’t you get a cheap hotel close to where you need to be. Premier Inns etc are super inexpensive, especially if you’re going halves with your boyfriend.

Have you considered she has met him a lot but doesn't feel comfortable with him staying overnight. Maybe she doesn't like men much. Maybe she has been abused in the past.

I think part of the problem is you feel like you are sharing this home with her as in you pay half the rent - but by asking her permission for your boyfriend to stay over you are acting like a lodger.

As you have no paperwork / no lease was signed your position is really unclear but I would hazard a guess you are seen as someone who is subletting from her, as she has the main relationship with the landlord.

You need to decide how long you want to live there and what you want to change. In theory you could just start having your boyfriend stay over but it sounds likely this might upset her and it will be you leaving not her if the relationship breaks down.

You just need to decide what you ideally want and sit down and chat with her. You might find she is willing to negotiate ie like maybe your boyfriend stays over once a week. At the moment if you are paying half rent, but living at his a few nights a week, she’s getting the house to herself often and might be prepared to compromise.

Hi,

I lived in shared houses for years before I bought a house with my husband.

I think that in shared houses there can often be a sort of pecking order, that is unrelated to legal stuff, and is just down to the force of personality of the people in the house.

It sounds as though your housemate feels she is higher in the pecking order because the house belongs to a relative and because she was there first.

From a practical standpoint, it's a little more complicated because she can't afford the house without you. You could move out to another house where your boyfriend is welcome, but that would be a hassle with all sorts of unknowns.

I think what it comes down to is that you want your boyfriend to stay over and she doesn't. She can't manage without your rents, and you don't want to have to move out.

I think you might need to have a chat with her about what it is that you both want and how badly you want it.

Either she will capitulate and say your boyfriend can stay, or she might refuse, in which case you say that it's not worth the hassle of sharing with her.

It's a very delicate discussion and not easy to do when you've already tried and been knocked back.

Sorry this isn't super helpful. I think you just need to try to talk to her again. If you can't get sense into her, then you think about moving elsewhere, or getting your own place.

FWIW, I had this situation once and what I did was to find a large empty rented house, take the lease myself, and then find three others to move in with me. That moved me up the pecking order a bit and then I could live the way I wanted to. A little while later we got a new housemate who was really difficult to live with and things got harder again.

It's a bizarre thing, but that just seems to be how it is.

The problem is that often one night can somehow lead to them being there all weekend- lounging on the sofa in their boxers in the morning- sometimes it’s best just to avoid it altogether

You both rent! ?

tell her to absolutely fuck the fuck off.

I mean it's not unreasonable, but you have no rights to insist if she doesn't want it to happen. So whether it's unreasonable or not is irrelevant.

This

I understand it feels unfair but she’s probably cognisant of the real danger of an occasional overnight turning into almost every night. You are the junior partner in this arrangement, which means she has the final say. Only you can decide if the inconvenience of not having your bf stay occasionally, outweighs the convenience of renting from her.

Really? They’re both paying half each for a rented house that happens to be in friend’s name. They both don’t get equal use of the house. I would say the friend is a cheeky fucker, and good luck when the OP moves out .

She is your landlady. It is her family’s home. I feel that you are very ungrateful
and a bit of a CF.

Everyone who's ever been in this situation knows that what starts out as "once in a blue moon" ends up with him living there full time.