AIBU to ask my housemate if my boyfriend can stay over for the night?

Be courteous & say ' Just a heads up xxx will be staying over this weekend as we're going to xxx & it's easier to leave from here than his place' If she asks can you not stay at his again just reply 'sorry no, like I said it's nearer to here than his' if you get into a conversation about it explain that you'd like to be able to have your BF or friends stay over once in a while in your own home. It's not like you're free loading from her, you pay half the rent so should have the right to have whoever you want stay without her agreement.

Has she told you the reason why? If she has some concerns? My DP used to share with a colleague (DP was the tenant, colleague paid half to him) and I only used to stay over at weekends as she would go home, as I didn't want to be in the way at other times (she had to walk through his bedroom to get to the bathroom) but I would stay til late in the evening sometimes. I don't think she would have had a problem with me staying, but I didn't want to inconvenience her

Sorry if I am repeating or missing some of the above posts - even if you split rent with her, are you named on the tenancy agreement? If not, then its her home, so her rules - agree with the above posts that an actual 'house share', with you being named on the tenancy agreement may be more suitable / comfortable / equal for you with regards to having your friends staying? (Guess that she is uncomfortable with having strangers (to her) in her home?).🌹

She sounds like a spoilt little madam. If I were you, I'd be searching Rightmove! Good luck!

Whether it's a house share or you're lodging, to say no to occasional boyfriend sleepovers seems a bit mean. Even if she doesn't really like it, saying no to the occasional suggests she doesn't care if she upsets you/doesn't value you as a housemate (there's many, I'd guess, not as considerate as you - would just bring their boyfriend without mentioning it).
Either way, although it's given you the opportunity to save, it might be time to look around for alternative accomodations with someone a little less controlling/easier going.

Exactly this…

This is good

how long are you planning to stay there and save ? Maybe she wants you out ?

I would ask her how much notice she requires from you when you move out coz you’re looking for a proper flat now so you can have your boyfriend over officially as travelling 70 miles is getting a bit much especially when it’s only every now and then .

You will see how much she needs the money then , it’s time to move on coz she’s being unfair .

If it’s important you’re nearer where you live then stay in a Premier Inn or some such?

I honestly think you are better approaching this a little differently - something along the lines of “just to let you know boyfriend will be staying here Friday night as we’ve plans” etc etc
You are splitting rent and bills 50/50 so she cannot tell you no you can’t! Especially if she has dates stay over and doesn’t ask you.
I don’t think yabu to consider her feelings but I think you need to be a bit more assertive.
If she kicks off then let her know that you’re going to start having to re assess your living situation then.

Are you unreasonable to ask? No.

Is she unreasonable to say no? No.

The legalities ARE important here though. Because whilst if you were housemates she could not evict you for having him over after she refused however as you are her lodger (and the fact she rents the home and who she rents it from is irrelevant - the rental agreement is not between you and the landlord but between you and the tenant, making you a lodger). As a lodger she CAN evict you, and very easily.

So whilst you aren't unreasonable to want your partner to stay over, is be very careful about pushing the issue with her unless you are in a position to move out swiftly.

YABU. You’re a lodger in her house, it’s her rules.

Don't think OP is coming back

Doesnt matter what amount of money OP pays or doesn’t pay. Her friend agreed she could move in as a single female lodger.

The friend did not agree to have a lodger and partner move in with her regardless of how many nights it is

I think that’s unfair. The OP hasn’t asked to stay for free. She is paying her way.

The mistake the OP has made is to assume she’s living in a houseshare, despite paying her rent to her friend and not the landlord, with no written agreement. Of course, you could argue that her friend should have made the situation clearer too, but essentially the onus was on the OP to confirm the basis on which she was taking the room.

I wouldn’t ask. Just tell her. You have more power in this situation as she can’t afford the rent without you, so she’s very unlikely to kick you out.

just tell her, “by the way, boyfriend is staying on Sat night but don’t worry we’ll mostly stay in my room so we’ll be out of your way”. If she says anything say you wouldn’t have agreed to move in if you’d known there would be rules like for teenagers. Then she can decide if she needs the money enough to compromise.

So you pay half the rent, but hzve no rights?
She has a boyfriend stay but says no to you having yours?

She is taking you for a mug.
Find somewhere else and tell her you are moving out.
Let her find someone else who will tolerate this.
Don't give her any notice either as she is treating you as a lodger when you clearly are not.

She's no friend.

It’s hardly to op’s credit to be considerate in someone else’s home. She doesn’t get a choice.
She gets to follow the rules, or rent her own place.

Yanbu, you’ve been very considerate given you pay half the rent. It might be ‘her’ place but she’s treating you very unfairly. Is she worried that it might be a longer arrangement? Maybe speak to her and tell her that.
either way, I think her being so unreasonable would make me see her in a different way.

Again, this is not the OP's home. She's just the cheeky fucker who moved into someone else's home and now wants to act as if she owns the place.

If you pay rent to her then she's subletting and she's your landlady. If you pay rent to the family member who owns the house then they are the landlord/landlady and they set the rules.
Always a good idea to have tenancies confirmed in writing.

I completely agree. I lived in house shares in my twenties and this was my experience too.

I think the OP would be better off in a regular house share though rather than this arrangement, causing an imbalance of power.

This simply isn’t true though. The OP has told us several times that she pays the rent to her friend; she doesn’t have a direct relationship with the landlord (and doesn’t have anything on paper).

What’s happened here is that OP’s friend has asked her landlord - a family member - if she can take in a lodger to help pay the rent. A purely commercial landlord might well have insisted on the OP being added to the tenancy agreement, but as a family member, the property owner here has decided s/he is happy for the OP’s friend to handle this herself.

OP’s official position is lodger - and crucially, that’s how her friend views her. OP feels differently and sees herself as a housemate because she pays half the rent. Ultimately this is a bit of a red herring if what she is paying is the market rate. For example, the cost of renting a double bedroom where I live would be more than half of what I pay in mortgage; if I took in a lodger, the fact that their rent covered the majority of the mortgage wouldn’t buy them extra rights.

Now, obviously the difference here is that the OP’s friend is not the homeowner, which is why OP believes she deserves more of a houseshare arrangement. Friend doesn’t seem to believe that - so if OP wants it, she needs to push for it. Ultimately OP has to decide whether it’s worth the risk of the friend saying “Nah, sorry; you’re the lodger, so I get final say”, or whether the fact that she needs OP’s rent will be enough to make her think “Actually, I’d better keep her sweet rather than risk having to replace her”.

If she is the main tenant and its her family, then youre even more compelled to follow her rules if anything. The lack of formality gives you fewer rights, not more.

If she needs you for the rent, and she has people stay over (she didn't make it clear and stick to the fact it was a female only house) then I don't think you needed to ask her permission before. I'd just give her a heads up that you're planning on him staying over at the weekend. That gives her the opportunity to object and if she does you can explain you don't think it's unreasonable to have an occasional overnight guest especially given she does and he is not a stranger and you will be respectful

I don't understand this "slippery slope" argument. That doesn't "somehow" happen at all if you use your words and say what level of boyfriend presence is/isn't acceptable rather than just letting it happen. There's no need to pre-empt it by unilaterally banning any partner from staying overnight, which I think is a ridiculous rule in a houseshare.

I've never lived in a houseshare where overnight partners weren't allowed. It's part and parcel of renting with someone else. And in every houseshare I've been in, long-term boyfriends and girlfriends were welcome for longer periods of time as well. When I was going out with DP, the boiler broke in my houseshare and I decamped to his for a week. No one had an issue with that.

And when I was house-hunting and potentially entering into a lodger situation, this was one of the key questions I asked. I wouldn't have been a lodger with someone who banned overnight stays, and in fact no one I asked ever said no.

In this situation, where the OP's housemate isn't even her landlady, I wouldn't dream of asking permission. If she continues to make a fuss I would be looking for alternative living arrangements.