My Ds keeps saying he doesn't love me

I echo this op.😔

One of my sons yelled "I HATE you" once when he was in trouble. My response was "Good! Then it means I am doing my job".

I know it is hurting your heart, but it is a phase. I promise it will pass.

My son when younger (similar age) has said such things previously. I would say he is testing out how to push your buttons - kids are great at learning this. He has found a way to rattle you and being a smart little cookie he is using his skills effectively. He is learning about human dynamics and also learning that he is seperate and different to you and that he can affect your emotions. He also is learning how to handle his own emotions and dissapointment, He probably cant put his finger on the feelings exactly so it is expressed in this way - to his nearest and dearest. It is because he loves you that he feels safe to express his emotions to you. It is a compliment. How I have handled this when it occurred is to explain I was very hurt and upset by what he said. I also bought the pack of emotions cards which are great - each has a facial expression and simple description of an emotion and looking through them and identifying emotions has been something we have done when needed. I cant remember where we bought them from but it was online. As he has got older (and me wiser to it) when it says it now (or just ignores me when i said I love him) I said thats ok you dont need to express your love for me because I know you love me ,...... and I love you too ! So overall my message is dont worry - he loves you, is developing his emotions and its great he has enough trust in you that he feels safe to express emotions in this way. But do let him know that it is hurtful to hear it.

I'd say 'ah, right'

He's five and has no clue

Just move on

As hes just started school, could it be that he is unknowingly masking at school and then grumpiness/obstinate behaviour is coming out at home where he feels safe enough to crumble a bit?

My dd did this in year 1 too. We didn’t reprimand her or tell her her words were hurtful or mean as she was already upset at herself for saying them out loud. We told her that her feelings were ok and that we loved her very much. For us it turned out that she was really struggling with the change of pace at school. She needed more downtime and to play and have fun after school. Whist it was really horrible to hear it was also clear that she was struggling. It took a few weeks and we were both exhausted but with a change in afterschool routine and a lot more dress up and role play she soon settled.

It’s a fairly short phase IME (my children don’t have SEN)

Your son is saying these things to you when he can't have his own way, because he knows it will upset you. He thinks you will be so upset by his words, that you will give in to him. If he says 'I hate you' or 'You're the worst Mum in the world'. Simply say in a calm manner 'Oh dear, I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'Oh dear, that's a shame'. Don't show that his words bother you. Most definitely don't give in to whatever he wants. If he asks you to leave him alone, do that, walk away. The more he sees his words aren't making you do what he wants, the less likely he is to use them! I work in a school and I have a child (admittedly with SEN) who will say similar to me, if he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do. If he says 'I hate you'. I say 'Oh dear, never mind'!! It's taken a while but he's learnt that saying things like that to me, doesn't work!!

When mine is cross with me he threatens to take my best mum mug away. Also Y1. I think it's a normal developmental stage and it shows they're safe. They can be mean and they know they're still loved.

‘ that’s a shame, it makes me sad’
‘ but I love you anyway, and always’

‘ I’d always try not to make you sad’

Then give him a hug or whatever he likes…. And have a tickle/ giggle/ treat.
He will grow out of it
But he also needs to hear that it’s hurting you

my Autistic child does this when she cant process her emotions.

That's interesting. I'd do the opposite. Without making a big deal about it, I'd make it clear that what he is saying is mean and hurtful. Imo, it's never too soon to teach children that how they treat others affects others. If we behave as if we are immune, they can't know that their words are rude or cruel.
When DC spoke to me like that, I'd say: that's not nice. It upsets mummy. I hope you don't really mean it and you are just saying it because you are cross.
Both DC were respectful and loving from a young age, including the autistic one. It's our job to teach them the impact of their behaviour.

My youngest brother used to say this all the time to my mum when he was 4-8ish.

She always used to just respond with "well I love you to the moon and back and will never stop".

He grew out of it and is in his 30s now and regularly says tells her he "loves her to the moon and back and will never stop".

It's just their thing. He's the youngest and they've a really special bond. No SEN.

It's hurtful now but at 5 he has no idea of it. He's just looking for a reaction.

It’s a phase. He’s testing you and his independence.
he’s realised he does not have to love you. Love you is a powerful phrase. it gets a result when he says it. He uses it in you as you are his safe person so he won’t get an overreaction. My response would be, well that’s up to you and it’s ok not to to love someone if you don’t feel like it. But I am your mum and I love you anyway. Is there any reason why you said that and sometimes I say it’s ok not to like someone even when you love them. I love you but sometimes I don’t like the things you do or say. Obviously if you haven’t been a kind caring parent and are actually nasty to your child then it’s different situation.

It is hard but ignore. Or reply “well I still love you” and don’t make a big deal of it.

I’ve had this from both my children at various. I say some thing like ‘That’s a shame. I love you very much.’

At this age he probably struggles to identifiy his emotions. He will be annoyed/pissed off/angry but he may not know this and he very probably doesn’t know why he feels this way. Look into ways to teach emotional regulation to help him understand what he is feeling and how to deal with it.

It’s just a phase, don’t take it to heart. He wants a reaction and it’s probably the meanest thing he can think of to get it.
I always replied calmly with “that’s a shame because I love you” and moved on to something else right away like “now it’s time to get your shoes on/eat your dinner etc”

My now 6 year old told me she hated me and I was the worst mummy in the world for quite a few months in a row last and this year. It was a way of expressing anger and frustration and doing it safely with he person she trusts most in the world. I've just realised she hasn't done it for a while (now 6.5). Your approach is correct and I'm sure it will pass. Try not to feel embarrassed as I think it probably is a thing for this age group.

The answer to a five year old saying "I hate you" is "Well I love you, but you still have to help tidy your room/ turn the television off/ have a bath now" or whatever...

One of mine went through this stage and one of my charges at work (a generally sweet young woman with a social and emotional age of around 3-5) is doing this to me atm! "I hate you, you're an annoying old bag, I can't do this, please help, I need a hug, I don't think Olivia likes me..."

They don't hate you/ us, they are frustrated or overwhelmed or miserable about something else. It's the same as being ratty and bratty and uncooperative at home but angelic and mature and helpful at school - they let their guard down with the person or people they trust to care about them even if they're horrible and who they also expect to magically understand and be able to fix everything.

Either ignore or if it requires some kind of response “that’s interesting”. Not nice to hear but I wouldn’t worry about it much, a lot of kids seem to go through it, it’s a way of exerting control over people when they have very little. So I’d just not give it any oxygen and hopefully it will fade away as a behaviour.

Hes exercising his power. He's learning about making friends (and that relationships can be conditional). He's testing boundaries.

Try not to take it to heart. "Aw, that's a shame, cos I love you even though youre not doing what I asked you to" and move on.

It’s a phase. My niece went through it. Whenever anyone would tell her to do something she didn’t want to do she’d say she didn’t love us. She also used to take great delight in sitting in a room full of people and ranking us all from her favourite to least favourite (including her parents!)

I think a good way to think about this is that he hates what you’re making him do/not do. He doesn’t hate you.

When my son was a bit like this at that age I would say calmly and firmly “we don’t say things like that to each other in this house”. I don’t think you should ignore it because it’s not appropriate and he needs to be told that but equally don’t give him the dramatic reaction he expects.

I agree- it is a normal phase. I'd use a combination of the above suggestions- I'd reframe (I know you're disappointed/frustrated about....) calmly point out it's not kind, or sometimes just laugh and say 'that's a shame, cos I LOVE you!' Then in all cases move straight on and don't let it affect the outcome of the situation either way. He'll get past it (although it might still happen occasionally). Don't take it personally- you're his safe person he can say that to and know you'll still love him and be calm and consistent.