My Ds keeps saying he doesn't love me

My 5 year old will say this and similar when she’s cross and tired. “I don’t love you!” ”This is the worst family!“ and “You’re not my best friend!” being among the repertoire. I rarely react at the time but will question her later and she’ll always admit she only said it as she was mad. She’s didn’t mean it she’s just objecting to something and expressing it in the only way she can.

I think this is true

My DS is 5 and this is what I do when he says things like this. Most likely he's heard another child saying this to their parent out of frustration and is trying it out on you to see what happens. I know for a fact my DS has picked it up at school because we live in another country and speak English at home, and he says these things in the language he speaks at school but almost never in English

Same

In my mind they're really saying I'm experiencing something hurtful Nd this is the biggest language I have to describe my feelings

Say 'Yes, you've told me before. It's getting boring.' Don't react.

It’s very normal @Summertimefarewell . How do you respond? I wouldn’t recommend ignoring it as he is clearly looking for a response which is why it has notched up from “I don’t love you” to “I hate you”. When my DD6 used to say (still occasionally says) this kind of thing, I stop what I’m doing and say to her something along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel like that darling, I love you very much” sometimes followed up by “would you like to talk about it?”. Ie I give her positive attention but hold the boundary about the thing we can’t do right now. Then again, unless I can explain why I’m saying No to something I don’t tend to say it. “Mummy doesn’t want to/can’t be arsed” isn’t a good enough reason btw unless you want it used back at you 😄

They do this.
Mine did.
I just stayed calm and said “well I love YOU”

I have loving and attentive young adults now…

It's hurtful even though he is only five. Think how much it hurt when my 50+ son said it to me. He is young enough to be firmly told it's not on and engage him on how he would feel. Can family help, a stern word from Granny might do the trick.

DD1 is going through this phase at the moment. She loooves telling me that she doesn’t love me as much as she loves her dad. To begin with it really upset me but I just started replying ‘that’s fine, I love you loads anyway’ and it’s quelled it a little bit. I think she’s just trying to test me tbh because I’m the one who’s around the most (SAHM). They grow out of it (I hope)

Both of mine did this for a short phase at around 4-5, and I did the calm response, ‘well I love you very much, and we need to go to school now’ etc.

One of my school mum friends (with DS2) took a different line and in hindsight I think she got it right. She says her view is that by school age, Dc are old enough to understand that saying ‘I hate you’ is hurtful. She dealt with it head on, telling hers that she would not accept that nastiness and that they could say they were cross/angry over something but not that they hated her. She implemented sanctions just as she would have if they had hit someone, and her view was they learned pretty quickly.

I agree.

It is OK to react. Just smile and say "But I love you heaps!" Every time. No variation.

My sen child never said she hated me but was painful around that age. I’d usually hear her crying in her room talking out loud about me and how she wanted to tell me I’m fat.

Obviously this is very typical of lots of children but like other posters my SEN child will say this when overwhelmed and confused by what their negative emotion is. Usually when not getting their own way.

He’s doing it for effect. When he says he doesn’t love you just calmly tell him ‘well I love you’ and get on with something else elsewhere.

This is a normal phase for some children. Try not to react in a emotional way.

My son was a knob at that age too 😂

He's discovering he has autonomy and saying things can get a reaction. I'd do what others have said.
I used to say that's a shame because I love you. We still have to clean up though so let's do it together... Repeat ad nauseum..

Give it a year or two and they settle down.
Age 7 seemed to get better and had a lovely few years but hitting 13 has been like going back to having a toddler 😂

Argee with this. I also think they push you away to see you come back. A bit like the baby who makes a game of throwing the toy away, to see you magically produce it again, every time. It's an important part of their development to know you'll still keep coming back. I think it’s part of secure attachment, at this age they realise you're not joined at the hip like when you were mother and baby, they also start going to school and need to form some sort of independence, but they still need you and need to be sure you won't go away.

It’s also just plain boundary testing and willfulness, which is why you also need to stand your ground if it's something they must do. I agree with poster above, you're the safe person they can they can work their frustrations out on.

He’s probably picked it up from another child at school and is doing it for attention. I’ve had experiences of this briefly with one of my children. First couple of times worth saying ‘that’s hurtful, please don’t say it. We can hate things not people.’ If he is just venting though, about experiences, that’s different. I’d let him run with it but remind him not to say it to others.

After that, I’d ignore it completely around the home and ask family members to do the same (make them aware you’re working on it if he does it often enough that it is noticeable). It’s harder out in public, granted. I think a simple ‘we don’t say that’ and then swiftly change the subject or distract him, if repeated often enough should nip it in the bud after a couple of weeks.

I would say though, try to hide just how much it bothers you, children will tend to repeat positive/negative behaviour when it receives a lot of attention and children love yanking their parents’ chains!

DS did this at the same age, so just to provide reassurance it can be normal and pass. We did go through phases of questioning if there were SEN at play but 3 years later, I've come to the conclusion it was an anxiety response. He can be quite anxious and it used to come out as aggressivity/rudeness. He's now a lovely little boy who tells me he loves me all the time.

My guess would be that he's a bit unsettled/anxious, probably due to school. For DS he always went in happily and did amazingly so it was confusing, but it's because he was putting so much pressure on himself he eventually had to 'explode'.

Ah mine used to say this, I used to just say ‘well good job I love you loads then!’ And moved on. An age thing for sure.

That must be really hurtful.
In any case I would say from what you've said, that it's not directly because of you maybe something has happened at school. You could talk to the teachers.
I can empathise, my son's first text message to me at the age of 12, was "I hate you" , but there was other stuff going on, and now he's 22 and we have a very good, loving relationship.

Sounds like it's getting a reaction so he does it more.

You need to answer back flippantly and without emotion each time so he gets bored.

'i don't love you' - 'Tough, I still love you.'

'you're the worst mum' - 'But I'm your only mum'

'i hate you' - 'But I still love you'

'dont come near me' - 'Ok, you can go to your room if you want to be alone.'

'i don't forgive you' - 'That's ok, I forgive you.'

'That's a shame because I love you'
And carry on with your day.
No love bombing, no pushing him for cuddles etc.He is doing this to get a reaction. It's nasty and pushing the boundaries and he needs to learn that he needs to be kind.

My cousin's little boy was about this age when he shouted at him "You smell like a poo!"

He doesn't so I think it can just be casting about for the worst thing in their arsenal because they are cross.