My teenage daughter hates her ethnicity

I’m not sure these 2 girls are your daughter’s friends. They sound mean. That sounds like the root of the problem.

Lots of sensible comments here. I would add something else. Social media is very very reductive about cultures. I think teens that use a lot of it can be exposed to really tiny cliches about societies and cultures which allows a lot of meanness to happen - “haha that’s just how it is in HK, Britain, insert county name”.

Your daughter's friends are using their ethnicity as an excuse to be nasty. There are good and bad people, regardless of their nationality or ethnicity. These girl's aren't your daughter's friends at all. They are deliberately nasty, and seem to enjoy upsetting her. Personally, I think the trip to HK would actually be good for your daughter. Not only will it give her the opportunity to experience Cantonese culture again for herself, in a positive light but it will remove her from this friendship group. Encourage your daughter to make new friends, and try and steer her away from these girls, as they are toxic.

This sounds more like a friendship issue between girls, with inaccurate stereotypes about Hong Kong layered over the top because they have a common background. These girls don't sounds like friends. If they were, she would be able to relax in their company and they would build her up, not shoot her down. She needs new and better friends. Alongside telling her that Hong Kong has the same breadth of characters as any other place, I think you need to encourage her to foster friendships with other girls, whether they are from Hong Kong or not.

She's more Asian than white as she's roughly only 25% white. So she may feel/look "different" regardless of being part white.

More importantly, as we like to say on MN (re: she has a dh problem), your daughter has a friends' problem, not a cultural or ethnicity problem.

Does she know people from HK - like family, your Asian side of the family, dh's side? Are they this mean? If not, then it's those friends. I'd be encouraging her to find new ones and tell her those friends aren't nice people.

Yes some cultures have a more blunt, honest way of speaking that comes across harsh and some topics aren't taboo to speak on, but that's not what's happening here. Those girls are mean bullies on top of the cultural aspects. You can tell the difference.

Those girls are not her friends! Stress to her that she doesn’t have to hang out with them just because of her ethnicity/culture. Bullies are extremely good at honing in on victims, then sniffing out their insecurities. This is what those girls have done.

It’s not a HK thing, it’s bullying and meanness. Any girl could do i, “I’m just speaking plainly”, “That’s what we’re like in X Place - we tell it how it is” etc etc.

I’d guess your DD is partly scared of not quite fitting in and partly scared of meeting more bullies like her friends! They’ve probably convinced her she’s ‘weak’ so she’s now scared that she’ll go to HK and be upset by innocent, direct comments. This is all those girls doing. That’s what you need to stop. They’re removing all your DD’s confidence.

I feel for her, the teenage years are always difficult and it must be hard to grow up in the UK when there is so little positive representation of her culture and a lot of racism and xenophobia around. I also think that these girls sound like bullies.

Could you interest her in Hong Kong celebrities/movies/pop culture/food culture/history? Anything to make her enthusiastic about it.

Has she watched films like Mean Girls or Crazy Rich Asians? Does that make all white rich girls mean, or all rich Asians crazy? She needs to learn how stereotypes can be used for good and evil, and use her critical thinking skills. Surely her friends in HK aren't mean by default?

These girls are just finding an excuse to be mean bullies. Maybe you and DD could look at the school's bullying policy together.

You need to get her away from these girls they sound horrendously toxic and complete bitches …..she will be damaged if she continues to associate with them…..this is the problem that you need to focus on, the rest will resolve itself I believe if you resolve this

I personally I would gently say that your experience of the culture is very different to that of her friends. You would really like her to come on this trip so that she can see for herself what it is like and experience it again. She might find ahe disagrees with her friends. But if she goes and decides for herself based on her visit that she would rather not go again then you will respect that.

Do you think she's worried you'll decide to move back?

I would also entirely separately to this remind her that friends are meant to be a positive presence in our lives that make us feel good. It doesn't sound like these girls are doing that.

(And make sure you prime her dad to arrange social time with the most polite of his friends.)

Ah, okay. In which case you might just keep pressing on the "give me examples from actual HK rather than just the mean girls at school" angle.

When you said "hates her ethnicity" I took you to be referring to the characteristics that are nature rather than nurture, i.e. the characteristics she cannot change.
But the bluntness she takes objection to doesn't stem from nature -- it's cultural. She's grown up with British politeness, but this has nothing to do with ethnicity (as I understand the term).

No it is called being a bitch. They are not friends and she needs to dump them.

Having said that, I can understand a bit. Having lived in HK there are cultural norms that are different to the UK and that does include things such as commenting on weight and there can be a bluntness to conversation

I was about to say the same. You are probably used to it, so not seeing/hearing it in the same way as she does @ByCoralZebra , but I do think that in comparison to most of us, HKers are more blunt, and the tone of voice and accent can make those blunt words sound more harsh to our ears.

I think it would possibly help for you to acknowledge this, and explain to her that its a relatively superficial part of the culture and not intended to hurt.

Well then it's not ethnicity is it? She's British and has British values.

I would look at this as a peer bullying problem rather than a cultural issue. See how things are when you get back, but it might be worth encouraging other friendships and speaking to the school.

Her friends sounds unkind and perhaps she needs to move away from them.

Having said that, I can understand a bit. Having lived in HK there are cultural norms that are different to the UK and that does include things such as commenting on weight and there can be a bluntness to conversation.

However, perhaps she could benefit from being reminded of all the wonderful things about HK, it's ways of life and it's people.

Cantonese people are, on the whole, welcoming and keen to get to know people. I have always found HK'ers to be helpful and interested, and very keen to share their culture. There are many aspects of life in the UK that I struggled with when I came back from living in HK - such as the drinking culture in the UK, the unsafe feeling of public transport in some places at night, swearing in public, and a lack of willingness to learn about others.

I hope your daughter can come to be proud of being Cantonese and enjoy her time in HK.

It sounds like they're just using their ethnicity as an excuse to bully her. She needs new friends!

She needs to form her own identity and stop listening to her mates and being impressionable! There is good and bad in every country and culture.

Her friends sound vile! I think they are at the root of all her problems tbh.