My teenage daughter hates her ethnicity

But, she lived there for the overwhelming majority of her life, has recently been back, has interacted with people and is familiar with the culture. So, absolutely none of this makes sense.

I actually had to go back and check her age. This is a 17 year old, not a 7 year old. Her alleged thought processes and reactions are very,,,unusual, shall we say? As are your reactions to them.

Your daughter needs to point out to her "friends" that "being direct the Cantonese way" isn't an excuse for outright rudeness and lack of ordinary human consideration. If they behave that way when they're in the world of employment, telling employers that it's the Cantonese way won't save them from the sack.

When your daughter speaks about her thoughts, let her speak and be heard. Gently ask how it makes her feel, take time to encourage her to dig down deep to feel it. She knows it isn't right because she is crying. She needs help identifying that with support but without judgement.

🙌

I always tell my daughter that friends (regardless of ethnicity or culture) should lift you up not tear you down. That they improve your life not make it hard. The same for romantic relationships too.
These girls are using culture as a way to justify their bullying behaviour towards your daughter. They are not representing the best of their Cantonese culture. They are not friends!
When your daughter speaks about her thoughts, let her speak and be heard. Gently ask how it makes her feel, take time to encourage her to dig down deep to feel it. She knows it isn't right because she is crying. She needs help identifying that with support but without judgement.
My daughter is adopted and has been through similar with "friends" (not Cantonese though). She eventually realised that she dreaded going to school for fear of how these girls would make her feel. She dumped them and found new friends ..she laughs every day now.
It is a long, hard journey though 😢

But you said she knows HK really well and went there last year? That she could go places by herself.

So why all of a sudden does she believe these girls rather than her own experiences? Surely she interacted with people in her previous stays. Or has she only met "exceptions" like her friends and family?
There must be another reason she doesnt want to go. Cause everyone else seems to be an exception except these mean girls

These girls are absolutely not her friends. They are toxic and controlling.

They are brainwashing her, and It's nothing to do with being Cantonese.

I would just emphasise that you’re going so she can spend time with her father and that that it is not your experience of the culture but you would be with her to defend her if anyone was rude to her there. Also I would say to her that if this behaviour/attitude is something that upsets her so much and she dislikes then why is she tolerating experiencing it from her friends here. I would try to steer her away from these girls and get her into after school clubs etc where she can socialise with different people.

OP, this isn’t to do with Cantonese people.

She is being bullied. Stop focussing on the most
ridiculous of things and help her!

Op, a lot of other countries and cultures are less polite about appearance than we are in the UK

My family is Italian and I can't tell you how often complete strangers in the street in Itaky make direct comments to me about my weight
I am very obese nowadays but when I was younger I was more in rhe overweight category most of the time.

Old women would come up behind me and make passing jokes about having to get past my fat bum etc or people would just bmake comment to their friends or to as they passed about my weight . This did happen mostly in the cities, which luckily I didn't spend too much time in. Family almost all commented on my weight when I first arrived for my holidays there.

As a teenager and young person I hated it,and it contributed to my being much happier in lots of ways in the UK. Nowadays I just ignore it or say neutral but firm something back.

I'd say, it is more that the UK has a superficially more polite culture than most other countries myself . This had positives and minuses and looks like it might be changing anyway

Er, what do you actually mean?

That sounds like a 'friends' problem not an ethnicity one.

Sounds like she's being bullied. I'd bet there's more going on than she's told you OP.

I don't understand, if she knows HK so well why does she believe these girls? You say she already has friends in HK too?

Is there something else at play here? Does she actually want to go?

I have a friend who is Hong Kong Chinese, and she gave us a lot of examples of how, what was completely reasonable behaviour to her as a child and early adulthood got her in a lot of trouble. She got banned from group work at Uni until she had done some sort of therapy.

She now talks about how strange it is going back to HK because her family’s bluntness feels rude and offensive. As an adult she is able to laugh at being told her bottom is very big. She finds it funny but she is a forty year old woman who has had time to process all this.

I’ve never been so can only relate her stories (and I’ve heard similar from people I know less well), that there is a cultural difference.

Whether it’s culturally based or personality based in your daughter’s situation, maybe what will help her is understanding that she doesn’t have to put up with that from the girls or anyone else. She can report the girls or at the very least distance herself, she can practice comebacks for rudeness, so that she feels in control of it. Ultimately she is going to HK to spend time with family and you say they are not like this so she shouldn’t be exposed to that sort of thing - unless there is something else not being communicated here?

She's been infected by the woke mind virus to think that all western cultures are evil.

I’ve voted YABU.

These are not her friends. They’re nasty, bitchy bullies and you need to take action on that.

Her "friends" are horrible and nasty.

It sounds like her friends really aren't friends & are using their 'culture' to be shitty people. There's a guy in our street who's from Hong Kong & he is just the sweetest

Does she know hk well? I was amazed when I visited it many years ago that the mountains inland away from the city actually looked like those sparse, bare mountains with random trees that you see on the pictures you find in restaurants. Quite spectacular.
I’m sure there is a lot to be proud of there.

Seems like it’s her mean girl friends who are the issue, not her ethnicity. Try and make her see that a couple of unpleasant individuals are tainting her view of an entire population. Also find friends who aren’t so uncaring and bitchy.

She needs to ditch these bitches. They are not actual friends.

There are two separate issues here:

1. Your daughter’s anxiety about the trip. For this one, I’d say there’s no point telling her ‘not’ to feel worried; so instead you sympathise and tell her that you can talk to her every day and if anyone is blunt or rude to her she can rant about them to you afterwards and you can maybe laugh together about it. You could plan a nice activity for when she’s back? Or buy her a diary with a lock and tell her she can write down her experiences, good and bad, to help process them. She is a Third Culture Kid (my kids are too) and that can be hard sometimes (you can feel like you don’t truly belong anywhere) but I tell my kids that it’s also a super-power! It gives them great understanding and adaptability, it makes them very kind and thoughtful to others than don’t completely ‘fit in’ for whatever reason, and, IMO, they have a better cultural sensitivity and understanding of world issues than many other children their age.
2. The second, and major, problem is her friends. Their behaviour is not good ok. They are ruining her self esteem. She needs to find tools so she can stand up for herself when she say horrible things. Something like “Why would you want to say something like that to me?” or “There’s blunt and there’s plain rude; that was just rude”. Or “You have a right to say what you want, but I have the right to walk away” I’d also tell her that true friends are happy for you and encourage you, not attempt to drag you down, and advise her to widen her circle of friendship so she’s less dependent on these mean girls. Personally, I’d recommend that she ditch them and find new friends altogether but realise that that’s a big ask for a teenager! Ask her what she would advise YOU (or a younger sibling if she has one?) if you (or they) were the one being spoken to like that? Would she think it ok?

For what it’s worth, teens worry about stuff and have friendship issues in every country of the world and whether or not they stay put or move around. This is hard. But it also a great opportunity to let your daughter know that you believe in her and are proud of who she is, that you will be there for her, and that she can be strong and stand up for herself while not losing her kind and thoughtful nature.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.