Why does sex seem to be just a commodity these days?

I think if you said it to someone's face you'd find they did

Sex was much more of a ‘commodity’ in the world you preferred (where women got given a menu with no prices on it and sex was something women were supposed to ‘give’ to a man in return for a relationship and withhold otherwise. Those times were incredibly transactional about sex and it’s clear from a lot of Mumsnet thread about marriages and sex that this attitude has left a depressing legacy. There’s still a lasting notion that women somehow don’t enjoy sex as much as men do and that it’s some of gift we bestow upon them, rather than something we get the same pleasure from.

Personally I think it’s much better for women when we can all accept that it’s perfectly OK for us to have sex simply because we enjoy it - for some women that might be only with someone they’ve fallen in love with, but for many, it will be with someone they like and find attractive and want to have a good time with. There’s nothing ‘sad and soulless’ about that. What’s sad and soulless is denying yourself a simple pleasure because society (or religion, or upbringing, or your own hangups) make you feel guilty about enjoying it.

The way a lot of women talk about sex shows that they have never had a mutually fulfilling sex life and they believe it is something they give their partners as a reward for good behavior or an incentive to commit.

It's really sad for them.

For me it was a mix. Some amazing casual sex encounters, some terrible.

In relationships the sex often felt better because I liked the man but it wasn’t necessarily better. I have had selfish boyfriends sexually. Ironically my best ever sexual experience was a ONS
with a then friend.

Also I never had sex with men to feel attractive. Sex with men would no do that.

This is a really stupid analogy.

You can view sex as something that can be just a bit of fun but also only want monogamous relationships when in an actual relationship.

People are sick of the shame and ridiculous hoo ha around sex and don't want to be trapped in a marriage with someone who is awful and cold in bed. Some women even enjoy sex. Can you believe that?!

It’s not.

I don't think anyone would be bothered that I find it gross.

Basically this. And some people go through phases of both.

Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days,

Just jump into bed with a man?

What about people who find it acceptable to jump into bed with a woman on their first date?

Why should there be rules on this.

If you say so 🤷‍♀️

That's just a pointless label.

It's the difference between being demisexual or not

It's not fine to call other people's sexual preferences gross

I've been married for 21 years and it feels like something you do in a loving relationship to me and I don't care what everyone else is doing.

Sex has always been bought and sold since humans thought of it.

The reality is that it is “cheaper” if by which you mean it carries less social value to people in general. That is because there are people who regard it as special and others that consider it to be just a physical act. The number who think it is the former is now lower than it was in the past.

Those who attach little weight to it often are much less consistent when the topic turns to sex work or sexual assault. But that view has held the zeitgeist for decades now so young people are taught this is “normal” and many who would previously considered it special now grow up considering it not to be. If they genuinely feel that way there is probably less harm, but for those who will suffer a type of cognitive dissonance between this conscious belief and how they feel after sexual encounters they are the victims of it.

But then the old system had people who had no issues with casual sex and were being restricted by a social norm of “sex is special.” It just depends on what you think is the worse outcome.

But these are all things that are widely discussed, if you read books like the case against the sexual revolution by Louse Perry or some writing by even younger authors.

Casual sex isn’t my thing at all and if I did engage in sex with a man I wasn’t romantically committed to there would at least have to be a friendship of sorts for some kind of emotional connection.

But what I don’t understand about your post is you positioning it as a new or modern thing when…it’s not new at all?

I’m an older millennial and I remember back at uni and high school many friends having one night stands or FWB.

And people I knew from the older generations were doing it too at the time, so it didn’t come with my generation. It may or not be more prevalent now than the 90s, but it has definitely been going on for a while now.

But you're not being judgemental at all are you OP 😒

Because people have sex for different reasons. In the past I have not wanted a relationship of any sort but still enjoyed sex so FWB was a perfect solution. That does not mean that I never have an emotional connection with someone through sex or do not value it as part of a romantic relationship. It only has to mean as much as the two people involve want it to.

I think it's gross, you don't which is fine.

It's not gross
The fact you have to have an emotional connection and someone else doesn't just means you have different preferences

Some people need to get to know a person before they feel comfortable enough or have the desire to have sex with them.

Other people find they don't need that and that sex is less of an emotional connection and more physical.

Neither view is wrong.

It's always been this way but society prevented (women) from being able to do as they wish.

Once upon a time, if a couple went to a restaurant, the man had a menu with prices, and the woman's menu just listed the food options, with no mention of money. It was taken for granted the man would pay (before there was equal pay etc,) but women were often expected to pay by having sex later. There are still men who think this way, that if you have a meal together and they insist on paying, that you're obligated to have sex with them. I imagine life is very disappointing for them.

One night stands can be great fun, because it is only about the sex. FWBs can be great fun, because of the F bit and B bit, but without having to deal with their inability to clean the kitchen or whatever. Sex in a relationship can also be excellent. Sex in any of these situations can also be crap- it depends on the people involved. I like sex early when dating someone, because I enjoy sex, and I don't want to get emotionally involved if they're crap in bed.

Can only speak for myself, but I've had physical pleasure from 90% of the casual encounters I've had. Can't say the same for the men though - they get way too in their heads about performance. And my current partner wasn't able to finish until we became official - he needed a love connection first.

Honestly the best sex I ever had was a one nighter with a coach driver when I worked in Spain!

He was a bit older and clearly knew what he was doing. The tension had built up all day sitting next to each other on a coach in the sunshine, doing my airport transfers, and by the time we finished the last one at midnight it was just an unspoken understanding that he was coming in when he dropped me home.

In my 50s I’ve also had some fun no strings sex, but its a very different feeling to the connected vulnerable and deeply loving sex I have with my DP. After 2.5 years we’re still exploring and learning what each other enjoys, he knows how long and how slowly to do things to maximise my pleasure, so of course that’s different from someone doing the physical moves to bring me to a quick orgasm. Both can be fun. Its like sometimes wanting a McDonald’s instead of a slow cooked stew!