Why does sex seem to be just a commodity these days?

PistachioTiramisu · 2025-09-23T08:56:13+00:00

This is a subject which I genuinely find mystifying and it isn't criticism! Could people please tell me why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a man on their first date these days, or why sex seems to be so cheap now? From reading posts on here, It seems to me that it is considered quite OK to have a 'friend with benefits', Don't people want to get to know a prospective sexual partner and develop a relationship with them before indulging in sex any more? It all seems a bit sad and soulless to me!

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 24/09/2025 14:40

Dunderheided · 24/09/2025 14:08

I fully accept I’m quite repressed and also damaged by church teachings in my youth, sadly, but I do think the casualisation of sex is damaging to women as a sex class; and is part of the reason conviction rates and also sentencing for the crime of rate is now completely abysmal.

Women enjoying sex and more freely having sex isn't why rape convictions are bad

That sounds a lot like victim blaming tbh

Which is part of why rape convictions are so bad.mm

GoldDuster · 24/09/2025 14:35

Dunderheided · 24/09/2025 14:08

I fully accept I’m quite repressed and also damaged by church teachings in my youth, sadly, but I do think the casualisation of sex is damaging to women as a sex class; and is part of the reason conviction rates and also sentencing for the crime of rate is now completely abysmal.

Can you say a bit more about why?

BonfireNight1993 · 24/09/2025 14:31

It depends how much you actually enjoy sex. I love sex and I have a high sex drive, so it's not a service I provide to a man, it's an activity I actively enjoy and when I was single, one I sought out. I didn't feel the need to put rules and barriers in place before I'd let a man shag me because I wanted the sex, not some other outcome I'd engineered by withholding it.

BigBoots67 · 24/09/2025 14:26

I’m not a fan but I get why people might feel it’s fine.

I could not ever get intimate with someone in a first date though, I barely know anything about them. It doesn’t make my morals any better than someone else’s though. It’s just my comfort and boundaries.

WalkDontWalk · 24/09/2025 14:11

DarkPassenger1 · 23/09/2025 10:16

'These days'? lol

Sex for all of human history has been engaged in for a variety of reasons, ranging from within a loving relationship to pure procreation to simple fun between friends or strangers to forging links between different groups to financial security.

If you think that the majority of the world only engages in sex because they love a serious partner then you're incredibly naive and not very educated.

Yes, I thought 'these days' was funny too.

Unless 'these days' starts from - well - the beginning of human history.

Dunderheided · 24/09/2025 14:08

I fully accept I’m quite repressed and also damaged by church teachings in my youth, sadly, but I do think the casualisation of sex is damaging to women as a sex class; and is part of the reason conviction rates and also sentencing for the crime of rate is now completely abysmal.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 24/09/2025 05:54

I love sex. It’s that simple. I also don’t want to waste my time if it’s not good.

I have slept with people on the first or second date and then gone on to have a relationship.

Crushed23 · 23/09/2025 20:15

Bananamanananana · 23/09/2025 17:57

Sex isn’t a commodity to be withheld or traded.

If I like someone and I want to shag them, I’m going to shag them. First date, or 21st date.

It’s really not that deep.

This.

I’m a MN cliche in that DP and I went home together on our first date. We’re still going strong, but even if we didn’t work out I have zero regrets r.e. our first date. It’s what we both felt like doing and it was fun. 🤷‍♀️

Bananamanananana · 23/09/2025 17:57

Sex isn’t a commodity to be withheld or traded.

If I like someone and I want to shag them, I’m going to shag them. First date, or 21st date.

It’s really not that deep.

Seriocomic · 23/09/2025 17:55

MagicLoop · 23/09/2025 16:48

These days? It's nothing new. What stopped people in the past wasn't that everyone only wanted to have sex with a long-term, loving partner. It was that people were shunned, despised and even punished for having sex outside of marriage. For most people, sex is surely primarily recreational (even with a long-term partner). It doesn't have to be deeply emotional at all. That doesn't mean it's a 'commodity'.

Well, men generally weren't, but absolutely women were, and had to deal with possible pregnancy into the bargain. That's the reason women were historically more reluctant to have sex without some form of commitment/social protection. Those days, fortunately, are long gone. Women can have sex just because they feel like it, and no, in my experience, women do not generally start to 'catch feelings' the second their clothes come off.

MagicLoop · 23/09/2025 16:48

These days? It's nothing new. What stopped people in the past wasn't that everyone only wanted to have sex with a long-term, loving partner. It was that people were shunned, despised and even punished for having sex outside of marriage. For most people, sex is surely primarily recreational (even with a long-term partner). It doesn't have to be deeply emotional at all. That doesn't mean it's a 'commodity'.

Seriocomic · 23/09/2025 16:42

BauhausOfEliott · 23/09/2025 14:13

Sex was much more of a ‘commodity’ in the world you preferred (where women got given a menu with no prices on it and sex was something women were supposed to ‘give’ to a man in return for a relationship and withhold otherwise. Those times were incredibly transactional about sex and it’s clear from a lot of Mumsnet thread about marriages and sex that this attitude has left a depressing legacy. There’s still a lasting notion that women somehow don’t enjoy sex as much as men do and that it’s some of gift we bestow upon them, rather than something we get the same pleasure from.

Personally I think it’s much better for women when we can all accept that it’s perfectly OK for us to have sex simply because we enjoy it - for some women that might be only with someone they’ve fallen in love with, but for many, it will be with someone they like and find attractive and want to have a good time with. There’s nothing ‘sad and soulless’ about that. What’s sad and soulless is denying yourself a simple pleasure because society (or religion, or upbringing, or your own hangups) make you feel guilty about enjoying it.

Yes, exactly. Sex, now, is far less commoditised, because women aren't in economically disempowered positions where it's traded for the economic and social 'protection' of marriage, and viewed as something women 'let' men do to them in exchange for something.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/09/2025 16:35

PistachioTiramisu · 23/09/2025 10:23

OK, OK I was only asking! Of course it is up to individuals what they do sex-wise and if I sounded critical, I didn't mean it!

Here’s a tip for you. If you ‘don’t mean to sound critical’ of other women, you can easily avoid doing so simply by not calling their sexual behaviour cheap, sad, soulless and commodified.

Hope that’s helpful for avoiding future misunderstandings.

JG24 · 23/09/2025 15:52

When you say "these days", when do you think people didn't have one night stands/casual relationships?
It's certainly been going on for decades, wasn't Sex and The City in the 90s?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 23/09/2025 15:20

Poppingby · 23/09/2025 12:05

I wonder about women and sex though. I am one by the way. It's difficult to know because it's so personal and women don't actually talk about this stuff all that much. We all know that men will mostly have an orgasm from any kind of sex - they might miss a deep connection and all that but they will generally have a good time. But do women, really? do they get physical pleasure from every casual encounter? I get the sense that in the majority of cases it's more of the thrill of being attractive but as usual men's wants are the focus in this type of encounter and the actual sex is not that good.

When I was in the casual sex phase of my life the sex was CRAP. Getting a 'body count' and feeling attractive was fun but the actual sex? Boring or stressful or a bit gross generally. I don't get the sense women are better at telling men what to do to make the sex physically pleasurable these days. I would love to be wrong though, I really would, so I'm happy to hear of different experiences (without wanting to sound hairy of hand). Maybe older women having casual relationships do have orgasms etc from casual encounters?

I can only speak for myself. With age and experience I got really good at knowing if a man is compatible in bed after the first few kisses, so most sex is great. And I don't worry about being good in bed or about my "performance", like I did when I was in my twenties. I'm not selfish, but I do what I enjoy, for as long as I'm enjoying it. I think that's representative of quite a few women over 40.

OfKitten · 23/09/2025 15:00

You said "why so many find it acceptable to jump into bed with a MAN on their first date these days"

Why do you direct it at women? I would be interested to know why you are holding women to account for ont being chaste?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 23/09/2025 14:54

I have just driven to the other side of the city to spend a couple of hours with a man 14 years younger who I met yesterday. I don't know if we'll see each other again as he lives abroad. I'm feeling great and the rest of my week will be much better because of that. I hope he feels the same. Who was the cheap one here? (You probably think it's me, but sex for me is not a means to an end, something to be gatekept. Sex is the prize).

"I'm not cheap, I'm free". Love that.

Luckyingame · 23/09/2025 14:41

Well, it depends whether you just want the hot, fun sex with a good looking guy, or whether you want that guy to invade your home and personal space, with the consequences.
Rather like driving and R8, without the need for MOT, insurance etc.
Anyway, I'm long term married and never been that keen on sex, but for myself this used to work.

Devilsmommy · 23/09/2025 14:40

BadgernTheGarden · 23/09/2025 10:42

I think there is still a stigma about women having sex on the first date. Men (virtually) always want sex as soon as possible, but seem to want to feel that they are special and being selected by the woman, not that the woman would have sex with any attractive (to them) man immediately. Then they are surprised and even put off a bit if the woman is too eager. Still very much double standards out there.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Men can't seem to make up their mind about women and sex. Double standards are definitely still alive and well

GoldDuster · 23/09/2025 14:35

How about men who are happy to jump into bed with women after a first date? Women with women? Or is it just the women people jumping into bed with men that you feel are cheap?

Women aren't the property any more, is the short answer. For the longer answer there are books.

SalonDesRefuses · 23/09/2025 14:26

Poppingby · 23/09/2025 14:17

I think this is right and it isn't because women as a class don't like sex is it - as evidenced by good (enviable 😁) stories above. I do think some women see themselves as a commodity with their worth in how sexy they are, and don't consider whether they like sex or how they might like it. I think that's because most discourse about sex is about men's pleasure and women's appearance. I'm glad to see differing stories on this thread though.

Show quote history

For me it's linked to previous sexual assaults, so I do need to feel that closeness with a partner to relax.

I have an amazing sex life, I just couldn't do it casually.

TheEyesOfLucyJordon · 23/09/2025 14:24

Tink3rbell30 · 23/09/2025 10:16

I agree. It's gross. I would have to actually know someone well and have a connection with them. I wouldn't get anything out of shagging a randomer, very unappealing.

Very occasionally, it's amazingly appealing. Drifts into reminiscing about the good old days 😊

SalonDesRefuses · 23/09/2025 14:22

Mischance · 23/09/2025 10:10

Each to their own I say.

Casual sex is not for me, but that does not mean it is not what someone else enjoys.

As long as no-one is hurt, emotionally or physically, and contraception is dealt with, then I do not think it is my place to judge. It may not be for me, but that is irrelevant really.

Agree.

I personally do need a emotional connection to enjoy it, which is why I don't have casual sex.

If I could enjoy it without that, I probably would too!

Poppingby · 23/09/2025 14:17

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 14:10

The way a lot of women talk about sex shows that they have never had a mutually fulfilling sex life and they believe it is something they give their partners as a reward for good behavior or an incentive to commit.

It's really sad for them.

I think this is right and it isn't because women as a class don't like sex is it - as evidenced by good (enviable 😁) stories above. I do think some women see themselves as a commodity with their worth in how sexy they are, and don't consider whether they like sex or how they might like it. I think that's because most discourse about sex is about men's pleasure and women's appearance. I'm glad to see differing stories on this thread though.

Backat · 23/09/2025 14:14

Also I never had sex with men to feel attractive. Sex with men would no do that

Yeah this.

Men who are into casual sex will often sleep with anyone who comes their way. Including women they don’t find attractive unfortunately.

So I don’t really get when women say they had sex with a random to feel attractive. It’s not hard as a woman to get a guy for NSA sex.