To feel mortified? What’s wrong with me?

Just wanted to say @SpidersAreShitheads that this is a really supportive and insightful response.

If you’re not used to asking questions and speaking up often, then yes it’s completely normal to feel mortified :)

Your instincts to give it a try are spot on though, well done!

The more you practice, the less weird it will feel.

it doesn’t actually matter too much what the question is. Just speaking up is the important bit. Even saying something mundane like ‘it’s lovely weather here today’ at the top of the meeting is a great start. Get everyone (including you) used to hearing your voice.

I’m proud of you for trying! Keep it up! We believe in you!

All good advice here.

With respect, anxiety as a condition does exist and it's not as easy as just saying change your thought processes.

It just sounds like you weren’t paying attention to the conversation. Anxiety doesn’t mean you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not a safety blanket from criticism.

What you could have done is type your question into teams or raised it in a way that felt comfortable to you, perhaps after the meeting 1 to 1? Instead you spent so much time psyching yourself up and being anxious that you didn’t realise that one of the leaders was still responding to someone else’s question, cause you were so focused on your own headspace and not focused on the flow of the meeting. You basically distracted yourself by focusing on the wrong thing.

I think you might just need to build your confidence up slowly, and take smaller steps instead of jumping straight to asking questions, because it sounds like you were overly anxious in the moment and so you couldn’t focus properly. In fact, I doubt the look given to you was meant to cause you so much anguish and perhaps you’re overthinking it. It could have been a look of confusion as opposed to disgust, and I bet you’re the only one thinking about it now.

Hey OP, huge sympathies, I do stuff like this constantly. One tip that helps me- I try to speak as early on in the meeting as I can- even if it’s about something as dull as the weather. Makes it a lot easier to speak a second time if something comes up that I need to comment on.

Edit to say- by “doing stuff like this”, I meant overthinking and stressing about social interactions- not that you did anything wrong.

You’ve not done anything wrong and it’s unlikely anyone will still be thinking about it. You could ask for a reasonable adjustment for your manager to bring you in to meetings if you’re not sure when to interject and it would be less stressful for you,

I could have written this post, it took me back to my 11 year old self 55 odd years ago in the classroom. I didn't get better till I had kids and had to speak up for them. What I actually want to tell you is you are 100% re-living it differently to how it happened due to anxiety. If there was any look of surprise, I can guarantee its because you don't usually speak up and not because of what and when you said it. Maybe you didn't speak up loud enough and it took a moment to register what was said. Please don't let you put you off. If there's going to be a meeting, at the start ask if questions are best asked at the end or as they arise. Have a notebook and pen, and write your question down so you don't trip over words and if it's ask questions as they arise, raise your pen, it feels better than putting your hand up.

With kindness OP you are overthinking this.

Most people do this all the time, the only thing specific to you is the amount of time and headspace you are giving it.

I interrupt people multiple times a day at work and I literally don’t give it a second thought. I used to when I was younger and over time I learned that the only way to have authority in a situation is to take it: no one is going to give it to you.

The point about social cues is interesting: you may find them hard but they aren’t as clear cut as you think. Sometimes it isn’t clear where the natural break comes in the conversation and you just have to try your luck. If someone talks over you or shushes you they are equally just trying their luck. They don’t have anything special that you don’t!

Well done for doing something outside your comfort zone. I will say however, that your perception of being given a withering look at everyone staring might be skewed by your anxiety:

• It might have been the wrong time to intervene eg you say that a leader was talking to someone else so it’s possible you were cutting across.
• It might be that it was a point of detail and the conversation was more strategic as you say you were focused on asking the question so less likely to be in the flow of conversation.
• It might be that you aren’t used to people looking at you so you misread your colleagues.
• Or it might be colleagues were irritated by you and want to make you feel small.

I wouldn’t be angry or make assumptions about their motives as most people aren’t your enemies and thinking they are will make you feel more isolated which is never good. You’re definitely thinking more about this than anyone else.

But you should continue to have a go. You can tell your manager or a friend who will be in the meeting that you are trying something new and feel nervous about it as you might feel supported and they might be able to actively help you get involved eg. Saying “DIY was asking about point x the other day, DIY does this answer your query or did you have a different idea”. You can also think about gaining confidence in smaller meetings, using the “hands” function in on line meetings if you have any, to help do this more naturally in a trickier setting.

Good Luck!

i also spiral over conversations. This won’t sound kind, but it really helped me so I’ll tell you. A friend kindly pointed out that I’m not the centre of the world and actually it’s quite narcissistic to think that people think about me and what I’ve done wrong all the time. Putting it like that made me realise how out of proportion I had blown up my social mishaps.

Could you specially ask the managers to add pauses for questions (and announce it as such). I write down my questions as presentations are going along to ask during the pause.

This kind of thing happens to me quite a bit. One thing I’ve started doing, is focusing on other people. Look at how many times other interrupt or say something you wouldn’t. I think when we have issues socially, we focus on ourselves too much. When you start observing others, you realise that people are doing what you’re doing but with confidence.

I used to be like this, but then I realised that everyone is self-obsessed and no-one else cares what I'm doing anywhere near as much as I do.

I guarantee everyone in that meeting has forgotten your interruption. It is a non-event, and if you watch in the next meeting, you'll probably see something similar happen to at least one other person.

Whilst I wouldn't raise my hand in an IRL meeting, it's perfectly normal to 'raise a finger' and catch the eye of the chair if you want to make a point but don't want to just jump in.

This is so something that would happen to me and then the ruminating afterwards. Definitely look into ADHD and RSD as mentioned above.

Everyone feels this way sometimes. Well done for speaking up and being brave. Next time you could ask more around what the speaker is saying to show you’re really listening. Also to ensure the question is relevant and keeps the flow. Have a look online /You Tube for examples of this. High five to you! 🙌🏻 Those grumpy buggers in the meeting need to learn to be kinder. Keep speaking up. What you think and feel is important. Your voice matters. Xx 😘

Please google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”

it’s an ADHD thing.

You needed to know something, you asked. It's all good. I'm forever putting my foot in it. You just have to stop caring. Ask yourself, is there anything I can do about this now? No. So let it go and move on. Nobody else will have noticed.

Was it that your question was too similar to the one that had already been asked and therefore they didn't think you had listened fully to the answer? (Which as you were so focused on your question maybe you didn't).

I agree with others that maybe because you desperately wanted to get involved on this occasion you may have been overthinking the question and not fully engaging in listening, meaning the pause you felt was a good time to ask was actually mid sentence.

Also to the person who said about grown ups not putting up hands - I will do this in a work meeting so whoever is doing the meeting knows I want to ask something but don't want to speak out at the wrong time (though I do work in a primary school!).

The leader sounds like an arse. These things do happen and you just have to build up some resilience to the awkwardness that ensues from getting it "wrong" (in your perception) and just keep practising and involving yourself.

My husband struggles to be able to find a moment to speak in groups and in meetings, and if anything awkward happens or if he interrupts because someone suddenly chatted etc then he analyses the moment for ages, and worries about it. He came home from the shop the other day and told me he thinks he went in front of someone accidentally but that he'd been called forward and he didn't see anyone but maybe the women at the post office queue wanted the shop queue etc etc as she gave him a look. I said have you been thinking about that all the walk home? He had.

I think it's a trait some people have but it's definitely a social skill that can be worked on, but the first step is to just to try as best you can to wash it off when it happens and don't let it spiral. The leader was an arse but you cant protect against all rude people, just how you brush it off.

Are you a natural introvert possibly with anxiety issues? It may have taken you a lot more courage to ask and also that you high focussed on the moment, which has made you feel even more anxious? Perhaps other people are not so perceptive and just plough their way through. Could you in future, make a note of the question and then either send an email or try to ask someone else. That will show that you are taking an interest and it will also allay your anxieties.

You do realise not all meetings take place on Teams? Grown adults don’t raise their hand in real life it’s not primary school

It happens all the time - try not to over-think it.

Did you raise your hand? That's how it would usually go and then the leader will either take your question or tell you to hold that thought and they'll take questions later.

That leader sounds an absolute dick tbf, completely unprofessional to just give someone a look instead of either answering a question or saying we need to come back to it later.
they need to grow up. I wouldn’t worry about it anymore,
if they do it again then I’d complain about their rudeness.
Youre a team. Some people think a job title is the most important thing about them.